Makeover

I have always liked makeovers. There's something about creating change in people that gives me the greatest pleasure of all.

At times it becomes a personal remedy. Often people say what you sow, you reap. When you do good, good comes back to you. One good turn deserves another.

For me the self happiness i achieve from seeing others' growth is so nourishing that, that itself is the good i get.

Once a while i grab an old man and bring him for a haircut. Buy him new sandals and a good lunch then pack him home in a taxi.

As he leaves, he often raises both his hands in a salutation which one gives to God and leaves with a smile. That smile is often my biggest gift. It makes me smile wider. It makes me happier.

For some time now i have not been doing these kind of services. I am rarely on the streets. I've become too busy.

Recently i forced a miserable friend to go out with me. I didn't tell her my plans.

She's in her late 30's and as miserable as can be. She's being mistreated at home and at work.

She doesn't have friends. Not that i know of. She leaves home at 5.30 in the morning and reaches home after 9 at night.

Misery seemed to be her middle name.

I brought her to the saloon first. I told her she needed a hair cut and some hair color. Pepper and salt wasn't her hairstyle.

She kept asking me, "sis, why you're doing this? Please don't waste your money".

I told her not to worry. There's no hidden agenda in my attempt. I just wanted to try this out.

Later that evening, after the entire makeover, she had been toned from head to toe.

Her hair was shorter. Colored into tinges of dark brown and dark burgundy.

New clothes, including lingerie. New flat heels, after a pedicure.

How she looked was unexplainable and in this kind of adventure you can't expose a friend with photographs because you would hurt her just because you want to show off your achievement.

It would become an insult.

Watching her walk with a new found gait was actually good enough for me.

Keeping a mental note that i should keep one day in my calendar free every month to reconstruct someone's life, I went back home.

She was in tears as she waved slowly from the cab.

Whether she maintains this gait or she falls back to her old clumsiness i figured some change would come to her.

Once you feel that feeling of majestic posture, you might just try to get that feeling again.

Change is the only thing that will continue its cycle. Its up to us on how we're going to make full use of it. 

Nothing

Do you know what is my favorite day? It would be Saturday.

Why Saturday? Do you party?

Party? Oh, no! Not anymore. I like Saturday because i don't have anything lined up first thing on Sunday. I don't have to set an alarm. I can get up as late as 8 am.

8 am isn't late.

For me it's great late.

What do you do Saturday night?

I don't do anything.

You don't watch the television?

No.

Listen to songs?

I stopped listening to random songs. The meanings had become ridiculous.

You don't go out?

No. I like to be on my own.

Gosh. You call this living?

Well, yes. I compare myself with other people. There are those who're suffering. Some from illnesses. Some from poverty. Some from extraordinary expectations which gives them extraordinary disappointment.

So...

So i don't waste my time unnecessarily. I do lots of work. I do many kinds of work. And, I live a very simple life.

Why did you make such a decision? Were you terribly disappointed over something?

Not really. I discovered expectations are my worst enemy. So, I started giving up. I started giving up good clothes, expensive food, branded items. As the need of other people increased, mine decreased.

Why?

I got tired of demanding people. Tired of them taking all the time. I stopped communicating. Simply because it was less antagonising. I preferred simple people. They said no all the time. Even for basic needs. I like seeing them change. The metamorphosis gives me the adrenaline to keep moving.

You shouldn't waste time on these people. Its their fate that they're like this.

Fate can be changed. I've made it happen. Having money helps though. Many things can be done.

You're planning to be like this for good?

Yes. I made a discovery. I have a weakness. Perhaps it's another disorder. I don't get angry at all. That makes me a prey. When good fuses with bad, the good gets sutured. Hurt. Often it's unfair kind of hurt. It's slowly destroying me. My defense is to stay away.

What's your future plan?

Nothing. For now I'm going to be quiet. Delve in my pain. Experience it. Enjoy it. Understand it. If i disappear into nothingness, fine. If i evolve into another butterfly from this cocoon. Fine too. For the time being silence is going to be my best friend. I like it this way.

I hope you find peace and happiness.

Thank you but I'm not searching for anything for now.

Dance partners

The number of people i meet nowadays have decreased. Which actually is a relief.

I meet mostly children, everyday. Whether its my refugees school or my house i limit my association only with kids and some women.

The only men i meet are at business functions. I don't mix. I attach a miss high and mighty look and stay put till work is done and time to run.

Business meetings are crucial. They give me the money to fund my projects. So, I bear with it.

When i meet a man, any man, I find myself measuring  him as a dance partner. The shoulder level, height and size.

I find that i can tolerate men only in the dance floor. No talking. Only coordinated movements.

As i progress towards bronze level of dancing, I have a few dancing partners. I don't know what goes on in their minds but for me i keep thinking about how compatible this dance partner is compared to that.

Happiness is when  the person's height and shoulder match and he dances well. I feel i can dance forever and forget the world.

Of course in reality i have too much to do. My duties have increased. My responsibilities doubled. I'm committed to something  big for now.

Slowly i know i must get someone reliable to take over and just focus on things that give me oblivious happiness.

To live life the way it should be lived.  For now its just plain dancing.

ஒரு வாசகம் சொன்னால் அது திருவாசகம்

சிலர் அரிதாக பேசுவர். திடீரென்று ஒரு வாசகம் சொன்னால் அது திருவாசகம் தான்.

ஆணியில் நடு நெற்றியில் அடித்தது போல உணர்வு.

இந்த உணர்வு நீண்ட நாள் ஞாபகத்தில் இருக்க இதை எழுதி வைக்கிறேன்.

அடிக்கடி இதை எனக்கே ஞாபக படுத்திக் கொள்ள இது உதவ வேண்டும்.

மறந்து கூட சில தவறுகளை செய்ய கூடாது. 

A beetroot a day...

There is a Tamil proverb which roughly says, ' medication and feast should be had three times only'.

A recent discovery proved how true this is. No doubt if one appears everyday at someone's door in the name of a feast, he or she would be shunned for misusing the courtesy of hosts and guests.

The same goes with taking medication, be it complementary or modern. If one overuses it the reactions could be quite disturbing.

Whatever one takes, should be upon consultation. Importantly, it also has to be appropriate to one's system.

Another crucial self discovery is,  God did not really create men and women equally. There is definitely a marginal difference where hormones are concerned.

Estrogens cause women to flip and rock in an unstable state during menopausal phase. What helps to balance this?

Naturally a gynaecologist would suggest hormone therapy. Products like 'Livial, Evista' crowd the market.

This is not a promotion on anything. It's just a personal experience.

Truth is any drug consumed has its contraindications. Hormone therapy has its package.

A recent tour into the net disclosed new names, black cohosh and blue cohosh. These are the most attractive names for now.

Again I'd say i trespassed into this territory by luck. Again I'd say one must consult someone before consumption.

If you go look for these plants, uproot them. Chew, boil, drink either the leaves, flowers or roots, there might be consequences.

There are measures of how much and how you should take any medication.

An interview with a Chinese sensei exposed marvelous information.

Cohosh is definitely the solution to many women's hormonal imbalance.

Recently, I felt like i have been hit by something big and horrible. In fact, I've been caught like a buoy trapped in a majestic storm.

Luck has stepped in again in the form of mother nature.

This is a very new adventure. Exploration is full of mystical sights and discoveries.

Personally, I feel men are superior where hormones are concerned. Once discovery is made and solution is found of course there's no stopping the women.

While an apple a day should definitely keep the doctor away, it is not totally applicable for other items.

While creating another concoction i added beetroot into my health drink.  After taking it for more than a week i realized it causes some imbalances.

Effects would defer from one to another of course.

Whatever it is, be it apple, beetroot, bitter gourd, horse gram, Indian borage or cohosh, ( I have many other names but here the list is not to impress but to solve human problems, so i stop here) there must be a gap in consumption.

This gap should be created with consultation and personal experience.

Another Tamil proverb comes to mind ' Too much of anything, even nectar can become poison'.

Again, it's all about balancing.  But, our food can become our medicine. What we eat basically create us.

So eat well, live well my fellow female comrades.

I'd love to add pictures but i have no time. So those interested can contact me. You can also Google your information.

One word of advise, do not experiment on anything unsupervised. Be it on modern drugs or alternative medication. Consequences are not very pretty.

Freedom of the mind

While in meditation, the mind should become the most at peace. When its calm that's when heights are reached.

I remember attaining those levels many years ago. The vision had been magnanimous.

Sadhguru's joking words which say Why is it that we don't wish the heart to stop its work when we meditate? Or the lungs, or the liver? Why we wish for only the brain to stop its musings?

A very logical question. For those who never experienced meditative magic, one can say that calming the brain's thoughts would be most important in feeling the wonderful light hearted bliss of meditation.

For me its a bad dream. I have seen the bliss before. I was already on my way. I was walking the path of my journey when suddenly i lost it.

 I cannot remember how to go back to my initial route. It's a desperate struggle.

I feel lost because for a short while i was in a celestial mood. Now...

Something happened and it had dragged me back into the vacuum of maya. I am not able to remove myself from that entangled web.

I feel sad to be dependent again to the worldly mess.

I am yearning to be set free again.

To feel that freedom of the flying eagle.

Perhaps one day soon the magical dust will reappear. I will fly again and soar high up to feel that unlimited independence.

Miss,. Mass. Mess. Muss!

Hello, are you there?

Yes. I'm here.

There's big trouble here.

What happened now?

One of your boys called me from his friend's number...

And...

My boyfriend did not like it.

So?

He went and fired him. This boy is creating trouble now. He has brought in his father and uncle. It's a big mess.

A mass mess?

Gosh! I'm not into learning vocabulary now mom!

Hmmm... It's been quite some time you called me that. It sounds alien Miss.

Please, no philosophy now. Help me solve this. Your boy is threatening me.

He's a young boy. What can he do to you?

He had fabricated the issue. Made it big. Like as if my boyfriend hurt him. Which is not true. He's threatening to call the stepfather. With these lies.

Ahah! Now I'm getting a frame of your puzzle. The jigsaw has a frame now. Tell me more.

You know what a mess he will create? He'd muss my life.

That would be a mass mess. For you!

Please! Don't allow him to mess my life up. Enough is enough!

Why did this become an issue in the first place? Why is your boyfriend so suspicious of you?

He's not suspicious. He loves me too much.

I'd describe it as possessiveness! No other word to describe this craziness.

Like you always say, mom, I should live my life my way. You live your life your way.

Oh! But that isn't so, Miss. You are living a cozy life at my expense. You're out all the time. When you're in you are demanding and hurtful. You are rude.

Yes. I prefer to be that so that no one hurts me. I hurt before someone can hurt me. I learned it from the stepfather.

Well you're hurting all the wrong people.

I'm not calling to discuss all these fundamentals. Your rules and regulations! Please call the stepfather and tell him not to get involved. I want to live my life without his interference. Please do me this favor.

I will try to do what I can. Meanwhile take care of yourself.

You too. Take care. Bye.

Bye.

Now resolving the mess was not really easy. It made me muss my hair many times. The stepfather does not understand anything clearly.

He often chooses to understand only what he likes. After trying to speak in between, "I'm going to chop this person, who is he messing up with and I will break the Miss' face", I thought I've had enough.

Look I think we are speaking different languages. Please, I think, we do not speak about things you are never going to understand.

You make my mind a mass mess. I don't want to muss my routine just because you don't understand simple things that happen in people's lives.

We stick to our usual lock stock and barrel. Nothing more. Nothing less. We do not burden ourselves with people's mess.

I did not wait for his reply. I had work and I dived straight into it and decided to focus on my mass.

Healing

How bad do you think this problem is doctor?

It isn't too bad. But...

But?

It isn't too good either. I mean if the heart suddenly stops and no one is there to help you, that's not good right?

Yes. I guess so. Are there rooms in a heart? I feel a particular, little room in the heart hurts. I remember biology. I cannot remember the heart.  Biology was gross. I thought Chemistry was cool.

Ha, ha. Maybe there are rooms. None of my patients have described chest pain in this way. How can you specifically define it as pain in a particular little room? I'm curious with your point of view.

Well, I do Yoga. I go into some sort of meditation. Someone thought me a long time ago that while in a meditative mode, I should make all my internal organs smile. One by one. So, I used to identify each of my organ and thought they actually smiled. Each one of them.

Hmmm. That is an interesting perception. You think you can make this pain go away?

Perhaps i can. I'm not sure. The pain came without warning. So, I was caught unawares. I was overconfident. I live a healthy lifestyle. I'm conscious of what i eat. I believed i take enough of everything.

Yet you lost balance on some aspects. You were too anxious. You palpitated too much.

And you said palpitations are imaginary Dr. It doesn't affect people physically. I had a lackadaisical attitude towards it.

I didn't anticipate your menopausal symptoms. It's a little early. And your pressure is low. Which is quite irregular.

So, how do i overcome this issue?

There's no medication for low blood pressure. Well, I wouldn't recommend anything for you.

Hmmm. Everything is quite confusing. The pain. The suffocating feeling. Short of breath. I have never experienced these before.

I'd suggest you take things easy. Try your healing methods. I reconfirmed your kidney stone story with the urologist. He agreed that your stone broke on its own.

Oh! I wouldn't talk about it to him. He disagreed with me totally about complementary medication. He scolded me in fact that I'm trying to play smart. I take extra care with my water intake and stuff as i don't want to see him again. How about exercise? Am i forbidden to do it? Can't imagine sitting idle!

No, worries there. Exercises strengthen the heart. Just stabilize your food intake to improve blood. You can do what you want once you don't struggle for breath. Of course stop the moment you feel any discomfort or difficulty.

Feels weird to realize internal clock is ticking forward too fast. One could kick the bucket too soon. Perhaps unexpectedly.

Everyone has to leave one day. Don't tell me you fear death.

I don't. I have no unfinished business. I live everyday as it comes. I will not have any regrets except...

Except?

I can't talk about it Dr. I'm sorry. Of course all my children will be in despair. Well I'm still fine for now. There's room for recovery. Work to be done. Kids to be saved. Mothers to be educated. It's a wonderful world.

I tried your herbal bath method for my children. Worked wonders with the heat rash. Any remedy for today?

Hmmm. I'm glad it worked. Right now I'm drinking milk. I add palm sugar with milk, one red apple and horse gram. Blended it. It boosts sleep. Cuts cholesterol too. Recently i modified it. I added curry leaves and also Indian Borage. It helped clear my throat. Next I'm thinking of replacing those with Neem leaves. Very little of that as it could bring down the blood pressure. I modified my grandmother's recipe.

Sounds interesting. Will try it one of the days. Anything natural is acceptable. I'm not anti complementary or against Ayurveda medication.
I have to take leave now. Next house call. Take care of yourself.

Thank you Dr for your time. Bye for now.

Hopelessly helpless

Every human has the right to be free. In fact every living thing should have that privilege.

Yet, this isn't so. It is a matter of luck on where you are born. Be it your home. Be it your country.

If you're a corn seed and you grow in a fertile land, you flourish. But if you're the same seed and you fall on a desert or the sea, there goes your destiny.

Same goes for a human being. If you're born into royalty, you're born lucky. If you're born in poverty then that's a different story.

Everything has hierarchy. Why these happened? What created hierarchies? Who created human segregation?

Acceptance would be civilization has brought on all these because human beings liked power. Intelligent people ruled while ignorant people succumbed to whatever that came their way.

War is a consequence of humans' greed to power. To wealth. To rule and to conquer.

War produced victims. And children are the most innocent victims of them all. They're ignorant of why and what is happening.

Yet some children lose their homes. They lose members of their families. They lose parts of their bodies. They lose their countries. Finally some even lost their lives.

Sad that most of them don't know why these happened to them. They're at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Being born in freedom, having been free to roam the country, free to do anything at anytime had made some people take many things for granted.

Even me. I didn't know how lucky i was till late. When i was a kid and i heard about war stories I felt sorry for them.

Later when i got involved with children from war countries i thought my duty ends with teaching them. It was enough to help them in little ways. With food, clothes and love.

This isn't so. There are many wrongs happening to them. Just because they're war victims they are no less than other children.

No one has the right to treat them as slaves. Nobody should step on them.

I am no freedom fighter. I'm just a normal teacher. I don't have power to do anything much. I'm helpless. I'm fed up.

I'm fed up watching people living in crowded rooms. I'm unhappy to see them eat basics while kids around them throw half eaten food in a reckless attitude.

The worst thing is children are not free. They get arrested because they're not born into normal families. Because they're war victims they're treated differently.

A teenager is arrested because he helps his father doing part-time jobs. He's not doing it to buy a smartphone. He's not doing it to buy branded clothes.

He's doing it so that he could help his father put decent food on their table.

When a young boy is thrown into a cell, how unhappy he would feel? How scared he would be?

Isn't it enough he is scarred by war? Should he be hurt more? Shouldn't he be given extra care, extra love to heal his past losses?

Don't humans know every human has the right to be free and happy? Especially children?

Driving to the camp, having no power, no idea what to do, I sat looking at the closed gates. Feeling more sick than ever.

This is how it is to feel most helpless.

If there's a will, there's a way? How?

I haven't a clue. I'm sure this is a new lesson  I'm going to learn.

There must be a way on how children can live as children.

Visitors of Malaysia

I was talking to one of my lads. He's the most charming boy i know of. All my boys are charming but he's the most charming of them all.

I teach him English and often end up learning Hindi instead!

Just when i thought things can't be any more gloomier, his words patted me in more ways then he would ever understand.

He said that when he was told that he's going to Malaysia, he was very excited. He was barely 13.

He went to a relatives' place and googled all about this land called Malaysia.

He was amazed with its beautiful landscapes and the greatness with which it was described.

But once here he said that he was greatly disappointed. He didn't get to see those greatness nor the beauty.

No longer in his motherland. Not much of freedom. Despairing situations.

Most disappointing he said, was fellow people.

People who wasted food. Threw away good things. Selfish, harsh people. Who stepped on the weaker ones.

I'm happy though Miss. That at least we have you. That's how he concluded.

I'm not alone after all. 

Thinking aloud, alone

I am thinking aloud because i got tired of thinking alone.

Siddarth can go on and on with his stories. The CAT4 evaluation that he attempted this morning. The details with the papers.

Sometimes i don't pay attention. I go into a book. I read my many drafts that had accumulated in the past years.

He doesn't really bother. As long as his chatter is not interrupted.

I'm tired. That's a fact.

Tired physically.

Tired mentally.

What tires me most is the temperaments and tantrums of some. There seems to be no end to it.

How some can just sting, scratch, tear and hurt without the slightest hesitation. One can spit fire just with one stare.

One can take and take without tiring. Not an ounce of thought to give in return.

And I'm trapped in this world of fulfilling people's expectations. There seem to be no end.

Recently i willed God to take me away. To give me a deserving rest. I'm very tired of working. Being alone.

Upon reading this Tj will freak out. Ruby and Siddarth might cry.

But I'm not being selfish. I'm just too tired.

My medicine women

I went out into the woods at the back of my house. Carrying a basket i filled it with what leaves i could find. I wouldn't know all the scientific names. I only know them based on what my grandmother and mom had told me.

There was nochi, kuppaimeni, aaduthoda, karisalangkanni, koyya, neem, toothuvelai, modakkattaan, kohvai, tunnittupacchai, aruvathaampacha, katpooravalli, thulasi, betel, vallaarai, pomegranate, turmeric..

It all started from observing my grandmother when she administered simple remedies for people who came looking for her. Normally people needed massages. Leg sprains, twisted bowels, neck sprains required painful massages.

I remember adults in tears while treatment was going on. Young kids and babies  were in tantrum even before they entered my house. My grandmother was looked at like she was the creator of all terrible pain.

Of course later they understood she actually took away their pain and solved their troubles. She was medicine woman of my area.

My great grandmother was born in a village from Thiruannamalai. She was medicine woman there. This tradition had been brought down to Malaysia through my great grandmother. It was then passed down to my grandmother.

I have not really taken any interests in any of it until i observed people around me suffering with after effects of modern medicine. My children who had asthma and eczema were badly affected by steroid based medication.

Another friend of mine suffered severely from kidney stone. A surgery on his kidney left him with many consequences. Later when i had a stone myself in my right kidney, I searched for alternative medication to cure myself. Of course it took me close to nine months to break the stone but i did conquer the stone without laser or surgery.

My son, Siddarth, is often my guinea pig. I would try various herbal treatment on him for his asthma. He had asthma since he was five months old. Administration of steroids and pain killers at that tender age inflicted stomach ulcers. He often showed symptoms of twisted bowels syndrome.

At first he hated the herbal soups and green juice that he had to drink. He disliked the trips he had to make to the washroom to cleanse his bowels.

Now I'd say he's happy without both troubles. I have managed to make him better. Now it's all about prevention rather than looking for cure. Stomach is the source where all ailments starts. If we keep the stomach balanced most problems can be stopped even before it comes.

Balancing the five elements in the body would ensure better health. Neutralising acidic and alkaline levels in the stomach is a must. Everything roots from the stomach.

Whenever there is medical troubles i resort to a massage and alternative medication. It seems to work wonders.

For this there are various types of oil. The leader of all oil would be nallennai, oil made from sesame seeds. Castor oil, coconut oil, eucalyptus oil are also oils often used in treatment. Thennamarakkudi oil is another favorable ointment used for massages. Recently new oil such as franch oil and surimas oil were discovered.

Life must be handled with simple measures. Life can become great. 

Blames

The windmills blamed the wind for its woes

The wind blamed the clouds

The clouds had its own tests

Yet there stood the sun

Majestically unperturbed

It just knew it was the best

Either east or west

Duty first and sit at rest

Blaming others isn’t its text

It just burns its foes

Without a single doubt

Slow and silent wins the race!!

Amma! Amma!

I remember my mother in her many roles. She brought me up well. How i am today is definitely due to her magical touch. All credits would always go to her.

In my many years of life, I am the one who is often taken care by her. My pregnancies, deliveries and confinement were all taken care of perfectly.

When i fractured my thigh bone, she took care of me for six months. Helped me walk again.

Recently she took care of me again. I was sick and this was my recuperation centre.

Every time i am down she is there for me. Now as i look at her, I realized that she has aged. Her hair has become all gray.

She's weaker and thinner. Often she has asthma attacks. Though she is unwell she still feels she needs to do her best for all of us.

I guess I'm the luckiest because i have always gotten along well with her. I don't disagree to anything she says. Whether i feel she's right or wrong i just play along with her. Why not! She is the best mother in the world.

Of course she's treated very well by all five of us. She will always be our reigning Queen.

But its disconcerting to be reminded that age has caught up with her.

As i observed her i made a silent vow that I'm not going to be sick anymore. I will portray a happy, perfect image to her.

Making her happy would be priority.

அன்பான நன்பர்!

வணக்கம். உங்களை நான் பல நாட்களாக தேடி கொண்டிருக்கிறேன். அதிர்ஷ்டவசமாக இங்கு பார்த்தேன். ரொம்ப மகிழ்ச்சி.

வணக்கம். என்னை எதற்கு நீங்கள் தேடினீர்கள்?

உங்களுக்கு ஞாபகம் இருக்கிறதானு எனக்கு தெரியாது. என் மகன் வீட்டை வீட்டு ஓடிவிட்டான். ஏதோ ஒரு மாநிலத்திலிருந்து உங்களுக்கு தொலைபேசியில் அழைத்திருந்தான்.

ம்ம்ம். வினோத். எனக்கு தெரியும். அவனை அத்தனை சுலபமாக மறக்க முடியாது.

நீங்கள் இல்லையென்றால் ஒரு வேளை அப்படியே தொலைந்து போயிருப்பான். அந்த ஐந்து ஆண்டுகள் நீங்கள் அவனுக்காக செலவழித்தது ரொம்ப பெரிய விஷயம் தானே. அவன் வாழ்க்கை மாறியது.

நல்ல விஷயம் தானே. குழந்தைகள் கடவுள் கொடுத்த வரப்பிரசாதம். சில நேரங்களில் பெற்றோர்கள் சொல்வது அவர்களுக்கு கசக்கிறது. பெற்றோர்களும் பல பொறுப்புகளை சுமந்து அசரும் வேளைகளில் குழந்தைகள் அவர்களின் வித்தைகளை வெளி படுத்துகின்றனர்.

நான் என்ன செய்வது, நான் எதை சொன்னாலும் அவனுக்கு பிடிப்பது இல்லையே! நீங்களே பார்த்திங்க இல்லையா, கொஞ்சம் கெடுபிடியா இருந்ததும் ஓடிவிட்டான். ஒரு முறை இல்லையே ஐந்து முறை ஓடினான்.

யாரையும் குற்றம் சொல்வதற்கு இல்லை. அவர் அவருடைய பிரச்சினைகள் அவருக்கு. தனித்து இயங்கும் நீங்கள் என்ன தான் செய்ய முடியும்.

என்னிடத்திலும் சில குறை இருந்ததை நான் உணர்ந்தேன். நீங்களும் தனியாக தான் இயங்குகிறீர்கள். ஆனால் போகும் இடம் எல்லாம் அவனையும் மற்ற குழந்தைகளையும் கூடவே அழைத்து கொள்கிறீர்கள். அவர்களை உங்களுடன் இயங்க வைத்தீர்கள். எனக்கு அது தெரியாமல் போய்விட்டது. உணரும் காலங்களில் அவனுக்கு என்ன பிடிக்கல.எது எப்படி இருந்தாலும் மாற்றங்களை நீங்கள் தான் கொண்டு வரனும்னு இருக்கிறது. உங்களைப் பார்த்து நானும் சில மாற்றங்களைக்கொண்டு வந்துள்ளேன். நாங்கள் நல்லா இருக்கிறோம். இதை சொல்வதில் எனக்கு பெரும் மகிழ்ச்சி.

இப்போது அவனுக்கு 25 வயது இல்லை? என்ன செய்கிறான் அவன்? நல்லா இருக்கானா?

அவன் பட்டறை சிறப்பாக நடக்கிறது. பலமுறை தொலைபேசியில் அழைத்து கிடைக்காததால் உங்களுக்கு நிறைய மின்னஞ்சல் அனுப்பியதாக சொன்னான். எதையும் பார்க்கலயா, நீங்கள்?

இல்லை அம்மா. எதுவும் இந்த காலகட்டத்தில் பயன்பாட்டில் இல்லை.

இங்கே என்ன செய்கிறீர்கள்?

ஹ்ம்ம்ம்.. நிறைய உழைத்து அளுத்து போன உணர்வு வந்தது. அதில் சில அதிருப்திகள் என்னை திணர வைத்தது. மாற்றத்தை தேடி சில இடங்களுக்குச் சென்றேன். இப்போது இங்கே. பயணத்தை தொடர நினைக்கும் போது புறப்படுவேன். நீங்கள் எப்படி இங்கே? இந்த சில மாதங்களில், நான் சந்திக்கும் முதல் தோழர் நீங்கள் தான் அம்மா.

என் அதிர்ஷ்டம் தான் உங்களை சந்தித்தது. இந்த கோவிலில் எங்கள் குலதெய்வ பூசை செய்வதற்காக வந்தேன். நாளைக்கு பூசை முடிந்ததும் நாளை மறுநாள் வீடு திரும்புவேன்.

ஒரு வேண்டுகோள். என்னை பார்த்ததாக யாரிடமும் சொல்ல வேண்டாம். குறிப்பாக மாமனிடம் சொல்ல வேண்டாம்.

உங்களுக்கும் அவருக்கும் என்ன பிரச்சினை? எங்கள் பார்வைக்கு நீங்கள் இருவரும் பிரமாண்டமான ஜோடி. அன்பு பண்பு நிறைந்தவர்கள் நீங்கள். எந்த வாக்கு வாதங்கள் இருந்ததாக கூட எங்களுக்கு தெரியலயே! யார் கண்கள் பட்டதோ தெரியல. இப்படி ஒரு பிரிவு.

யார் கண்களும் படல அம்மா. மாமனுக்கு சுதந்திரம் பெரியது. அவர் வேளைகளில் மூழ்கிவிடுவார். சில சமயம் பல மாதங்களுக்கு அவரை தொடர்பு கொள்ள முடியாது. எதுவும் அவருக்கு ஞாபகம் இருக்காது.  அவரின் சுதந்திரத்தை பரிசாக நான் கொடுத்து விட்டேன். அன்பு பரிசு.

ஆனால் அவர்தானே உங்களுக்கு சிறந்த தோழர்!

சிறந்த தோழர் அன்பானவருக்கு துன்பம் வரும்போது கூட இருக்கனும் இல்லையா? அவருக்கு அது ஞாபகம் கூட இருக்காது. என் துன்பங்களில் நான் தத்தலிக்கும் போது அவர் அருகில் இருந்தது கிடையாது. எனக்கு துன்பம், அவர் எனக்கு தேவை என்பதை கூட அவருக்கு தெரியாது. அந்த சுமைகளை அவருக்கு கொடுக்கவும் எனக்கு விருப்பம் இல்லை.

அவரிடம் பேசி இருக்கலாமே?

என் மனசுக்குள் வலிகளை சுமந்து, அதை ஜீரணம் செய்து சக்தியாக மாற்றி கொண்டேன். எத்தனை சோதனைகள், அதனால் வேதனைகள்! அதன் அளவை யாராலும் யூகிக்க முடியாது. யாரிடமும் சொல்வதால் எந்த பயனும் இல்லை.

உங்கள் பள்ளி சிறப்பாக நடந்து கொண்டிருந்தது. எத்தனை மக்கள் உங்களால் வாழ்ந்தனர். இப்போது அந்த பள்ளி?

பள்ளி இருக்கிறது. அதை நடத்துவதற்கு நிறைய ஆர்வம் கொண்ட ஒருத்தரிடம் ஒப்படைத்து விட்டேன். அந்த ஆர்வத்தில் அவர் சில குழப்பநிலைகளை உருவாக்கினார். என் மாணவர்களின் பெற்றொர்களுடன் தேவையில்லாத சலசலப்புக்களை ஏற்படுத்தினார்.

அவரை இல்லை நீங்கள் துரத்தி இருக்கனும்.

ஆசை யாரை அம்மா விட்டது. எனக்கு மோதல்களில் விருப்பம் இல்லை. இப்படி ஒரு சூழலில் விலகுவது தான் சிறப்பு. விலகி விட்டேன்.

உங்கள் மக்கள்?

என் மக்கள் சுகவாசிகளாக உருவாகி கொண்டிருந்தனர். தானாக இயங்கனும் என்று அவர் அவர் பாதையில் விட்டு விட்டேன். எனக்கு திடீரென்று ஒரு பெரும் அசதி. இப்போது ஓய்வு எடுக்கிறேன்.

ஏன் தனியாக இப்படி நீங்கள் துன்பமடையனும்? யாரும் துணை?

எனக்கு நானே துணை! மிகச்சிறந்த மனிதன் ஒருவரை சந்தித்த பிறகு வேறு யார் வந்தாலும் அவர்களை நெருங்கும் எண்ணம் வருவதில்லை.

அப்படி யாரும்?

வந்தார்கள், முயற்சி செய்தார்கள், பலனளிப்பது போல அறிகுறிகள் இல்லாததால் புறப்பட்டு விட்டார்கள்.

இப்படி எதற்கு தனியாக கஷ்டப்படனும் நீங்கள்? எங்களுடன் வாருங்கள்.

வாக்குறுதி தான் வாழ்க்கையில் மிக பெரிய பொய் அம்மா! நான் இருக்கிறேன், இது சத்தியம்! என்று சொன்னவர்கள் இப்போது இருக்கும் இடம் தெரியவில்லை. இந்த உறுதியான சொற்களை நம்பியவர்கள் ஏமாற்றம் தான் அடைவார்கள்.

சரி! அப்போ இருப்பதை வைத்து சிறப்பாக வாழலாமே! எதற்கு இப்படி கடினமான வாழ்வு?

உணவில் சுவை இல்லாத போது அறுசுவை உணவு இருந்தால் என்ன இல்லாமல் போனால் என்ன? கிடக்கும்போது தூக்கமே வராத போது எங்கே படுத்தால் என்ன? ஒவ்வொரு நொடியை நகர்த்தினால் போதும் என்ற நிலை, இந்த நிலை.

நீங்கள் மகிழ்ச்சியாக இல்லையா?

நான் நன்றாக தான் இருக்கிறேன். எளிமையாக வாழ்ந்து காலத்தை முடிக்கலாம் என்ற எண்ணம். தனியாக இருப்பது ஒரு அமைதி நிலையை கொடுக்கிறது. இப்போது இருப்பது பரிபூரணம் என்று ஏற்று கொண்ட நிலை. இந்த நிலை நீண்ட நாட்களுக்கு தொடர வேண்டும்.

எங்களை வந்து பார்க்கனும் நீங்கள்.

சந்திக்க வாய்ப்பு இருந்தால் சந்திக்கலாம். இன்று இப்படி. நாளை என்ன நினைக்கிறேன் என்று சொல்ல முடியாது இல்லை. சந்திப்போம் என்று நம்புவோம்.

நான் புறப்படுகிறேன் அம்மா. எங்களை ஞாபகத்தில் வைத்து கொள்ளுங்கள்.

வினோத்தைக் கேட்டதாக சொல்லுங்கள். வணக்கம்.

Sense of surrender

The new moon started after 9pm yesterday. In my sleep i discovered a sense of release from a state of surrender.

Standing straight with palms outstretched, eyes closed, I felt lifted out of myself. As i left, the body became light and i felt peace engulf me.

Perhaps this is an aftermath of a meditative exploration. I drift off into meditative moods whenever i feel like it. It gives me peace.

Kids around me say that I've shut down. It's really not shutting down. It's embracing aloneness.

I was not dreaming though. For once there was no dreams attached.

My sleep has always been tortured with dreams. Dreams of snakes, demons and dark flying peacocks that i often feel extremely wretched in the morning.

It had always been blamed on the nightmares of life.

I have no idea. Dreams are totally not in my hands. I always wished they don't come. I'm not looking forward to neither good nor bad ones.

I would embrace a dreamless sleep. It has not happened so far.

Last night there were overlapping dreams of which i cannot recall at all. It doesn't matter as I've been dismissing all of it.

I remember floating and feeling peace. I cannot write about what mystical sight that i exactly saw but I woke up feeling free. Perhaps i do have some hope in finding complete peace.

There is this supreme power that engulfs everything. That much i understood clearly.

I was wondering what could be the reason for this experience.

For every income that i get i would transfer 1% of it to the blind association. I keep putting aside portions of money to be given to single mothers, refugees and neglected children.

I feed many kinds of birds everyday. These are regular activities that I've been doing. Perhaps I'm being blessed for unlatching myself from materialism.

 I'm putting this down on paper because i hope others would follow suit. Perhaps peace would reach more people.

For some time i have been reaching out to some in particular to fulfill my happiness. I guess i wasted much time in it.

Happiness is from within. We should not search for it. It just comes when you least expect it.

It's not how i imagined it either. There is no particular shape or size. It's a peculiar feeling of bliss and fulfilment.

I've been getting some emails on some of my writing. Someone asked me if i was a certified counselor and whether my writing is based on real life issues.

Some of it is imaginary. I mix it with facts of life and things i see. I hope change comes to some people somehow.

I'm not a counselor, I have basic education in psychology during university. I know Freud and Pavlov and some. But my best teacher is life and people around me.

Especially the bad ones. I must say thank you to people who stepped on me. If life had been a bed of roses i wouldn't have grown.

There's one particular person whom i think of first thing when i get up and before i go to sleep.

He is a reason i should not fall nor fail.

I'm immersing myself into fasts. One week, two weeks then a month. I might stop writing during that period. I might stop communicating.

My presence is fully based on peace that i feel.

Conspiracy

I often understand how the system conspires against me. It's either the children or the students or the parents or the friends.

Often i have to park at the visitors parking because someone decided to park at my spot.

My things always go walking as everyone can take what they want as long as I'm informed when I'm looking for them.

Just when i feel I'm done after crawling around the entire day, on one of the messiest roads in town, something else crops up.

Yet one previous experience has taught me a valuable lesson. Cars are just metal, glass and rubber. Any material object can be replaced.

Only human life is irreplaceable. So, I'm not usually selfishly clinging to any materialism. I try my best to protect, cherish and manage these humans around me.

I've given up on many things. I gave up my only happiness. The world might be at my feet but nothing can compensate my loss.

Life will never be complete ever no matter how much gold i have, how many cars i have or how much money i have.

I work many hours every day.

I give and continue giving.

Yet nature is not happy. It keeps sending disturbing troubles towards me.  There is no perfect outcome. No reason to heave a complete sigh of relief.

I know the outcome. Renunciation.

But I'm tangled in my own web. Self spun invisible web.

Breaking free is the challenge.

As long as there is one person out here who says 'I need you, miss', I'd know that the time has not come for me to renounce anything.

If i break a single heart while in pursuit of my dream i know I'd have no peace to find peace.

So, I justified myself with the words, 'the time is near but it has not come'.

Fulfilment

Little little fulfilment eventually build that feeling of satisfaction. While in that permanent job feeling of having completed anything was nil. Void.

In fact it was a feeling of total despair as piles of work piled high, higher and highest without ever giving the feeling of anywhere near completion.

This morning when i left for my volunteers duty, I somehow missed my usual turn into the highway. I was wondering how i can be that careless.

I calculated the journey through the normal roads would be about 45 minutes and turning back would cost me about 20 minutes.

I figured the highway is still the better choice. As i neared the smart tag to flash the toll payment i was flabbergasted to discover that my smart tag was totally missing.

I drove into the top up lane and explained my predicament to the toll attendant. He explained that it's not really a problem as i could buy a touch and go card and continue my journey.

In my great excitement that my problem was solved that easily i quickly said thank you to him and exited the toll. As i moved away from his booth i saw him waving frantically to me.

I saw his flailing hand through the rear mirror. Apparently i forgot my balance. I waved back but he didn't understand my " it's okay please keep the change sign".

I couldn't leave him in that stranded mode so i made a U turn and went back to him.

I wished him happy eid Mubarak and told him that he could keep the change as an 'ang  pau Raya'.

I could remember his smile till i reached my school. This little thing gave me a fulfilling smile. It gave a good start to my day.