This awesome man

As he entered the car, I inhaled deeply. He still smelled the same!

Perfume?

Nope! It's just his scent. A very unique smell which i can recall as forever.

Oh! I really cannot remember anyone with that aspect.

Hmm. I watch him get in. He has slowed down. That strong, stubborn man is now quiet and often deep in thought.

Thoughts of?

I wouldn't know. Perhaps he's worried. Thinking about his ailments.

Or afraid!

Oh, no! Not afraid. Maybe he's reluctant to leave. Probably to leave behind the apple of his eye.

The sweet Chinmaiyi!

Yes. They're as close as can be. She'd say all the nicest things to him.

And him to her, I realise.

I remember him as strict as can be. Ruling the household. So many kids were there. My aunt's children and my uncles and cousins. We were all terrified of him.

Ahh! Now i understand why you do the things you do. You're like him.

Yes. I am very much like him. In many ways. Looking at him now, brings a little sorrowful pain into the heart.

Well, we cannot be selfish. No one lives forever.

Of course. And I'm thankful that I am lucky to have him till this day. I wish him all happiness in the time that's left. For my part, I'd do all my best for him in whichever way possible.

Yea, well let's make his days better and best.

Hmm, I'm glad to have this awesome man as my father. 

money

I see you at the bank. almost every day!

yea, it's the meetings to disperse bonds and drafts to the company. The legality of everything is quite stressful. 

Hmm. Now that money has come, what did you do with it?

Well, money came when I stopped wanting things. 

Come on, you can always travel, meet new people. Eat new stuff. Explore this beautiful world.

Right now, I am not really inclined to do anything. The first thing I did was to take some money and give it to some of my boys to go study in the university. 

How boring! Go stay in the Hyatts! Book a place near the sea. Live your life.

I agree, life is quite boring. Busy but boring. I sit in the 38th floor of the Hyatt and feel so out of place. The champagne they served tasted dull and bland. I don't remember which company I am keeping. Everything has become grey and bleak. 

But why? Are you heartbroken or something?

No! I've discovered there's nothing to this life except using every second to its best. I get up as early as 6 in the morning. I send kids to school. I've learned to cook for them. I teach them. I create costumes for them. We sing. We dance. We train. We perform. I am careful not to spoil them with luxurious stuff. 

You mean this is fun for you? 

I'm doing this not for fun. I'm creating better, responsible, independent children. I get satisfaction from this. I'm not sure why I'm doing this. Perhaps I'm training myself to be tough. Perhaps, I'm showing nature that I will inflict a hard lifestyle to remind myself of my loss and grief from the past.

Hmm, looks like you're in need of some love potion. an encounter perhaps!

Love is a myth. It is used by many people as a ploy to deceive people. I'm seeing various levels of destruction. All created in the name of love. I'd rather not get trapped in those sticky webs. Life is fine as it is. Leave me as I am. There's nothing anyone can do to change me. 

I hope you find happiness and peace. 

I am fine. Thank you for your concern. I wish you a great day. 

Thank you. I wish you the same.

My awesome date

I'm so excited. Life is suddenly super enthralling.

Hold your horses. Did you win a lottery or something?

Nooo.. Better than that. I met someone.

Ahh! Where did you meet him?

Fb! Of course. I rarely go out. My life is glorious. I have everything in my Fb.

Oh.. I don't know about that. I'm sure there's a lot of other things that we can do. Fb is such an idle thing.

What do you mean? Fb is sooo much fun.

I mean its just like watching TV. You don't move about. It's not like you're dancing or singing in it.

i can. i'm connected to the whole world. if i want i can sing via the messenger. dance to the songs from the FB. You were dancing away too right but you got bored and stopped.

I didn't stop because I got bored.

You stopped because Alexander left. Or perhaps Alexander left because you didn't give him face.

It wasn't like that. Dancing with Alexander was indeed magical. It's just that I found him disturbing. He was too charming and that spelled trouble.

trouble you say?

Yes. Look at Nisha and Pedro. They were good dancing partners. They became too close. Then one of them became too possessive. Not too long after that they fought here in public. It was quite embarassing.

Hmm, but you cannot assume that all relationships turn sour!

Actually, it does. Most of the relationship i see becomes sour after six to nine months. later, when the lovebirds are saddled with children, life becomes miserable.

Oh, come on. Children are gifts of God.

For many they are accidents. Mistakes that curb and congest their life.

I cannot agree with you. I for myself have found the love of my life. I intend to live happily with him forever.

Are you sure? Do you know where he lives in the first place?

Yea, I know. He's in Istanbul. I'm flying out to see him in two weeks.

Ohh! Please do be cautious! It is quite dangerous to do these kind of things nowadays.

Don't worry. My heart says that I'm going to be very happy.

Very well then, I wish you all the best.

I wish you too will give Alexander a chance and perhaps find happiness.

No, I guess my heart is elsewhere and it will never settle for a second best. I cannot string up a relationship just to fill my time.

Ah, well! That's just too bad then. I have to go.  See you again.

   

Misery

Very sad this doctor, very good man
How you can give him back his life again?

He went to see God Parti. Its not a bad thing.

All think like this is phobia. Where got go and see God? You think God don't have other work?

Hmm..

Easy for you to say. All my friends have died. First it was Joe. Then my brother, lawyer Mohan. Everyone dead! I have no one now.

I wish i could help you understand these things but i can't. You will not understand.

I am feeling sad. I wish you would come and make me feel happy.

I can't make you happy. Happiness is in you. Not in my hands.

If you hold my hands, I would be happy.

I'm not willing to hold your hands. I'm sorry. In fact, I don't want to hold anyone's hands.

At least, send my son. You send him to stupid places. You don't send him to me!

You ask me to bring him to your pub. He's 13 for heaven's sake. When he wants to come to you, you're never in the house!

I don't want him to come alone. I want you to come too.

I'm sorry. I can't do that. I have lots of work to do. You can always meet us. Outside. For lunch or dinner. When we're free.

You all got all the time to go singing class, drum class, karate class but no time to come see me.

Don't you understand, you can't force people to meet. You can't force people to do anything. The more you force the more you lose.

Okay, I don't force you. Please come home.

Please is another form of forcing too. Just do your work. If you find new friends that's good. Find things you like to do. Stop being possessive. Stop being jealous.

I can't stop anything. I wish you were dead then i can be happy.  I really hate to see you so free. So happy.

That's very noble of you, Parti. My life is not in my hands nor is it in yours. You cannot decide on that. We're family. As a family member, we're here for you, if you're unwell, call us. If you're hungry and need food, we can help you. But that's all there is to it.

I don't want anything from you. Just go away.

I can't do that too. We just need to hang around. Help each other. As it is, many people we know are dead now. There's no point in antagonizing anyone.

You are very smart. You use all the difficult words to confuse me. I don't want your philosophy. I just want my family back. I made a mistake. I realize you're an awesome person to lose. Please come back.

Hmmm. I wish i can do that. The freedom i have now is too precious to give up. I never want to be trapped in a relationship anymore. It's too big a trap. Like a bird with clipped wings. I'm sorry. We can be friends always.

You must be mad to think I'm going to say yes and accept your friendship offer!

Well that's the only offer i will make. Take it or leave it. I'm going to live what's left of this life to its best. Every second of my life is important. I'm going to live it well.

I don't know what to say.

Don't say anything, just be a friend. We can help each other.

No point. I am leaving you soon as possible all of you. I am going to rest. You got very experinse.

Yes Parti. Find your happiness. Rest. Its important. Once Ammu goes to work she will give you lots of money too.

I'd think about it for now.

That's a good start. Bye

Jayan

It was raining outside.

A lot of people were doing a lot of things.

Suddenly, that familiar sound of the motorbike.

It has been more than twenty years. Yet, I knew immediately he had actually arrived.

I walked up and down.

Peeked out to the verandah.

That motorbike was there.

Funny, it was locked in a tight red cage.

Weird.

Almost like a tiger's cage.

But, it didn't matter. He was actually here.

I quickened my steps and ran to the kitchen.

And there he was. Wet from the rain. Head to toe.

Hair plastered to his head.

Clad in a black T-shirt. Grey slacks.

I ran to him. You're all wet! I said.

I took the edge of my top and tried wiping his face.

The water kept flowing. Like the rain was on his face.

Where did you go? All these while?

Don't you know, I've been looking for you?

That beautiful eyes looked at me. That similar smile. Twinkle in the eyes.

Ohh! I remember it so well.

He just held out his hands and i slid into his arms.

It seemed like i have finally flown back into my nest.

I turned to grab a towel.

Returned to towel him dry. He was not there.

I heard his voice. Here, there and everywhere.

I ran and ran.

Where did he go?

With a heavy heart, I looked hard around me.

He was not there.

Adjusting my eyes to the darkness around. I tried searching for the motorbike.

Neither him nor it was there.

This is now. Another time another place.

Then, I realized it was just a dream.

That silly warm feeling still lingering, I got up and decided to start my day.

Logic always won. Not a minute to be wasted on nonexistent abstraction.

Life goes on.

Jupiter and I

Jupiter moved to the 7th house in Aries.

So, what's happening now?

A lot of good things I'd say.

For everyone?

No.. No..

For the Aries' and the Virgos, Cancerians, Leos, Capris and the Sagis.

How about the Librans?

I'd say Jupiter is going reverse in their minds. Causing wreck


Oh! Currently i am too in a wreck. I hate my mother and what she's doing. She's so irritating.

Why is it so? What is it that she's doing that's irritating you so much?

She's looking after kids in the name of charity cum business. What little she gets she uses to cultivate them. My space is congested. I hate all these.

Let me look at your horoscope.

You mean you can designate this from my horoscope?

Of course. Hmm.. Jupiter sits in your fourth house. The house of your mother, thus your irritation emanates from her. Is this something new that she's doing now?

Hmm. No. She has been doing it forever. Only now i feel its beyond toleration. I hate it all.

Its quite clear Jupiter is working on you. As you're an adult there are things that you can do.

Like?

Like moving out. You can rent a place with a friend. Get married and move out.

Well finance doesn't permit that yet.

Did you stop to think that you're actually irritated about your space in her zone?

Well... Come to think of it yes!

Anyway i will talk to her about this.

Please don't say i confessed all these to you.

My dear child, confrontation cannot be done in secrecy. If I'm confronting it has to be with honesty.

Oh, alright.

                                      ******

Vanakkam. Did you speak to her?

Yes.

And?

She said that what she's doing now is an important thing. Important in the sense that it gives her lots of satisfaction.

Hmm. Her satisfaction is more important than my mental peace?

My dear, you have to find your mental peace yourself in your way.

But she's my mother and its her responsibility.

Ah! No! After 21 your life is your responsibility. No one else's. She's done with all these. Now she's entitled to do what she likes.

Did she say that?

She said when any of her kids react adversely, its just a warning for her to step back and let her move on. She has to live her life. Many years have been wasted with illness, tragedy and pain. She feels that its time for her to live her life her way.

Hmm. Alright. I'd think about it.

Remember your policy. Never to harm anyone nor with words or action. Especially a mother. Hurting her is very negative to a child's growth.

Okay. I'd keep that in mind. Thank you for your advise.

You're welcome. March on. You have all my blessings.

Thank you. 

50 வயதில்

ரேவதி, ரேவதி... எழுந்து வா. காமாட்சி ஓடி போச்சு. மற்றவர்கள் போறத்துக்கு முன் நம்ப போகலாம். வா.

சரி, சரி. கொஞ்ச நேரம் நில்லு, நான் பல்லை மட்டும் தேச்சுட்டு வரேன்.

இவ்வளவு தூரம் நடந்து வந்துட்டோம், எங்கே போயிருக்கும் இந்த காமாட்சி. அடிக்கடி இப்படி ஓடுதே!

அது தானே இயற்கை. கிடேரி மாடு, பசுவாகும் முன் காளையை தேடி ஓடுவது இயல்பு. இத்தனை மாடுகளை பார்த்து இருக்கிறோம், இது இன்னும் உனக்கு புரியலயா என்ன?

தெரியும், தெரியும். இந்த கிடேரிகள் ஓடும்போது எல்லாம் நாம் இருவரும் சேர்ந்து ஓடுகிறோம் இல்லை. மாட்டை தேடும் சாக்குலெ தோட்டம், பழ மரங்கள் எல்லாம் ஏறி பழம் பறித்து சாப்பிடுகிறோம்.

ஆமாம்.. அந்த சீன கிழவி கண்ணுல படாம வெள்ளரி பிஞ்சை பிடுங்கி கன்றுகுட்டி போல நறுக்கு நறுக்குனு நொருக்கிடுவே இல்லை.

ஹா ஹா. ஆமாம். திருட்டு வெள்ளரி பிஞ்சு அவ்வளவு ரூசி. அங்கே பாரு ரேவதி, காமாட்சி நிற்குது. வா. நம்ப அதை வீட்டுக்கு கூட்டிட்டு போகலாம்.

ஹ்ம்ம், சரி. அது வந்த வேலை முடிந்து இருந்தால் இன்னும் கொஞ்ச மாதங்களில் கன்று ஒண்ணு பிறக்கும் இல்லை?

ஆமாம். மறுபடியும் சீம்பால், பால் சப்ப்லை, கன்று குட்டி குளிக்கும் காட்சி.. ஜாலியாக இருக்கும்.

* பத்து வயது ஞாபகம்*

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காலேஜ் வந்த பிறகு ஒரே வீட்டு ஞாபகம் வசந்தி. இந்த கோர்ஸ் வேறே ரொம்ப கஷ்டமா இருக்கு.

இது தானே முதன் முறையாக வீட்டை விட்டு வந்து இருக்கீங்க. எல்லாம் சரியாகி விடும். அப்பிள் செய்து இருக்கீங்க இல்லை. பார்ப்போம் எப்படி பதில் வருதுனு. பட், தமிழ் மொழி கோர்ஸ் தானே, நாங்கள் எல்லாம் இருக்கிறோம், உதவி செய்து உங்களை கரை சேர்த்து விடுவோம். அதே போல ஆங்கில பயிற்சிகள், ஆராய்ச்சி நூல்கள் செய்யும்போது எங்களுக்கு நீங்கள் உதவ மறந்து விடாதீர்கள்.

நன்றி வசந்தி. ஏதோ நீங்கள் இருப்பது எனக்கு பெரிய ஆறுதல். தெங்க்ஸ்.

ஒண்ணும் யோசிக்காதீங்க. நல்லா பாட்டு பாடுறீங்க. வந்த கொஞ்ச நாட்களில் எத்தனை ஃபேமஸ் நீங்கள். மலாய் பாரம்பரிய பாடல்களை வேறு பிச்சு உதருகிறீர்கள். காலேஜ் முழுக்க உங்களை தெரியாதவர்கள் யாருமே இல்லை.

ஹ்ம்ம். ஆனாலும் எனக்கு இங்கே அவ்வளவு மகிழ்ச்சி இல்லை. ஏதோ குறை இருப்பது போலவே இருக்கிறது.

                                ***

எனக்கு ரொம்ப வலியாக இருக்கு வசந்தி. கழுத்தை அசைக்க முடியல.

பொறுமையாக இருக்கனும் நீங்கள். ஜிம்னாஸ்டிக் பயிற்சி செய்யும் போது விழுந்துட்டிங்களாமே?

ஆமாம். தலைகீழாக நிற்கும் போது கை தவறி விழுந்து விட்டேன். கழுத்து எலும்பில் சாஃப்ட் திஷு காயம்னு டாக்டர் சொன்னார். வீட்டிற்கு சொல்லல. இந்த வாரக்கடைசியில் வீட்டுக்கு போவென். அப்போது அம்மாவிடம் சொல்லிக்கலாம்னு இருக்கிறேன்.

 அதுவும் சரிதான். எதற்கு தேவையில்லாமல் அவர்களை பதற வைக்கனும்.

இன்னும் கொஞ்ச நாட்களில் நம் காலேஜ் வாழ்க்கை முடிய போகிறது. நீங்கள் செய்த அத்தனை உதவிகளையும் மறக்க மாட்டேன், வசந்தி. தேங்க்ஸ்.

தோழர்கள் மத்தியில் இதெல்லாம் என்ன பெரிய விஷயம். மூன்று ஆண்டுகள் போன வேகம் தெரியல இல்லை?
                          ***
ஐயா, எனக்கு ஒரு டீ கொடுங்க. என் அத்தான் வரும்வரை இந்த பைகளை இங்கே வைக்கிறேன் சரிங்களா?

வையுங்க அம்மா. ஒண்ணும் பிரச்சினை இல்லை.

நீங்கள் சாப்பிட்டீங்களா ஐயா?

நாங்கள் சாப்பிட்டோம். நீங்கள் சொன்ன மாதிரி அந்த இலங்கை பையனுக்கு உணவு கொடுத்துவிட்டேன்.

சரி ஐயா. நன்றி. பணம் எவ்வளவு கொடுக்கனும்னு சொல்லுங்க.

அன்றைக்கு கொடுத்தது போதுமானது அம்மா. என்ன ஊருக்கு புறப்படுகிறீர்களா?

ஆம் ஐயா. காலேஜ் முடிந்தது. வேலைக்கு அழைப்பு கடிதம் வரும்வரை வீட்டில் ஓய்வு. அதோ அத்தானும் வந்து விட்டார். யாராவது கொஞ்சம் உதவிக்கு அனுப்புங்கள் ஐயா. பைகளை வண்டியில் ஏற்றனும்.

* 20 வயது ஞாபகம்*

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என்ன ஒண்ணும் சாப்பிடாமல் இப்படி வாசலையே பார்த்து கொண்டு இருக்கிறே? வா கொஞ்சமா சாப்பிடு. இப்படியே இருந்தால் வயித்துல உள்ள பிள்ளைக்கு எப்படி சத்து பத்தும்?

அவரை இன்னும் காணல, அதான் வந்ததும் சேர்ந்து சாப்பிடலாம்னு காத்திருக்கிறேன்!

ஐய்யே! இது என்ன புதுசா உனக்கு? எந்த காலத்துல அவன் டைம் ஓட வந்து இருக்கிறான். நீ வந்து சாப்பிடு. வாந்தி வேறே, சாப்பிடலனா உடம்பு வீணாகும். வா.

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என்னங்க. எனக்கு ஸ்கூலுக்கு லேட்டாகுது. கொஞ்சம் வேகமாக வாங்கலேன். இன்றைக்கு அச்சாவுக்கு முதலாண்டு திதி வேறே. பள்ளியில் இருந்து நேரத்தோட புறப்பட்டு வரனும். லேட்டா போய் வெல்லன வரனும்னு சொன்னால் முகம் சுழிப்பார்கள்.

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என்ன தோழி. மறுபடியும் உங்களை மருத்துவ மனையில் பார்க்கிறேன்? கால் எலும்பு முறிந்து விட்டதாமே?

ஆமாம் வசந்தி. அவசர அசசரமாக பள்ளிக்கு புறப்பட்டு போனதில் சேலை முந்தானையை சரியாக வைக்கல. மோட்டார் சைக்கிள் டயரில் மாட்டியதில் நான் கீழே விழுந்து விட்டேன். தொடை எலும்பு தாறுமாறாக உடைந்துவிட்டது.

டாக்டரிடம் பேசிட்டுதான் வந்தேன். இண்டெர்ட்ரொய்காண்டிக் மல்டி கொம்முனல் ஃப்ரெக்ச்சர். பெரிய இரும்பு பூட்டி இருக்கிறாராம் உங்கள் இடுப்பில். ஒன்று இல்லை, பத்து. இனி நீங்களும் பயோனிக் பெண்.

ஹ்ம்ம். எப்படியும் ஆறு மாதங்கள் ஆகும்னு சொன்னார். அதுவரை அம்மா வீட்டிற்கு போய்விடுவேன்.

ஏன் அம்மா வீட்டிற்கு போறிங்க? இங்கே யாரும் உங்களை பார்க்க மாட்டார்களா?

என் கணவரின் தாய், தங்கம். ஆனால் இங்கே இருந்தால் அத்தனை சரிப்படாது. அவர் தாமதமாக வீட்டிற்கு வருவார். சில சமயம் போதையில் வருவார். மன அழுத்தம் தரும்.

அதுவும் நல்லது தான். தாய் வீட்டில் இருந்தால் வேகமாக குணம் அடைந்து விடுவீர்கள்.

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என்னங்க? என்ன இப்படி தொப்பையாக வந்திருக்கீங்க? ஐயோ என்ன முட்டியில் காயம். ஜீன்ஸ் கிழிந்து போயிருக்கு!

.....

என்ன தண்ணீ சாப்பிட்டு வரிங்களா? எவ்வளவு சொன்னாலும் மண்டையில் உங்களுக்கு ஏறாது! எல்லாம் என் தலை எழுத்து! நிறை மாதம் எனக்கு. இப்படி பொறுப்பு இல்லாமல் இருக்கீங்களேன்.

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அம்மா, அம்மா.. அச்சா எங்கே இன்னமும் காணல? என்னிடம் இன்றைக்கு ஸ்டோருக்கு போகலாம்னு சொன்னாரே!

எந்த கடையில் உட்கார்ந்து இருக்கார்னு தெரியில ரூபி! நாளைக்கு தீபாவளி வேறே.

ஏன் அம்மா இவர் மட்டும் இப்படி? செரிச்சா பாருங்க, காலையில் இருந்து வீட்டில் தான் இருக்கிறார். நாம் வேணும்னா அச்சா எங்கே இருக்கிறார்னு போய் தேடி பார்க்கலாமா? ஏதாவது கடையில் இருந்தார்னா அப்படியே கடைக்கு கூட்டிட்டு போகலாம்.

ஹ்ம்ம் சரி. போகலாம். ஆனால் நான் அவரோடு பேச போவதில்லை. ஏதுவாக இருந்தாலும் நீங்கள் ரெண்டு பேரும் பேசிக்கொள்ளுங்க. வேலையை முடித்ததும் ஓய்வு எடுக்கனும். கால் எல்லாம் எப்படி வீங்கி இருக்கு பாரு.

பாவம் அம்மா நீங்கள். இவ்வளவு பெரிய வயிறோடு எவ்வளவு வேலை செய்கிறீர்கள். இந்த அச்சா இருந்து என்ன பயன்.

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நிறைய கடைகளில் தேடியாச்சுமா. வாங்க வீட்டுக்கு போகலாம். எனக்கும் அம்முவுக்கும் ரொம்ப பசி.

சரி. வீட்டில் கொஞ்சம் உணவு இருக்கிறது. உங்களுக்கு தருகிறேன். அவர் வரும்போது வரட்டும். வந்ததும்
 வச்சுக்கலாம்.

அம்மா, அங்கே பாருங்களேன். வீட்டு வெளியே சின்ன தாத்தா, மாமா எல்லாம் நிற்கிறார்கள். ராத்திரி ஆயிடுச்சே! இப்போது ஏன் இங்கே வந்து இருக்காங்க?

தெரியலயே! ஒரு வேலை...

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ஹலோ! என்ன நடக்குது இங்கே? எல்லாரும் வீட்டு வெளியே வந்து நிற்கிறார்கள். கேட்டா எதுவும் சொல்ல மாட்டுறாங்க? ஜெயனுக்கு எதுவும் ஆச்சா?

ஆமாம். அப்படி தான் சொல்றாங்க!

என்ன இறந்து போய்ட்டாரா?

ஆமாம். மோட்டார் சைக்கிளில் இருந்து விழுந்து விட்டாரம். எதிரே வந்த வண்டி அவர் மேல் ஏறி அம்புலான்ஸ்ல போகும்போது உயிர் போய்விட்டதாம். உங்கள் பெயரை தான் சொல்லிக்கொண்டே இறந்தாராம். பாவம், பாவம்னு சொன்னாராம்!

ஐயோ! நான் அவரிடம் பிரியாவிடை கூறலயே! தப்பு பன்னிட்டேனா?

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ஏன் அம்மா அச்சா அப்படி இருக்கிறார். பெட்டியில் போட்டு வைத்து இருக்கிறார்கள்?

அச்சா இறந்து விட்டார் அம்மு. அச்சா இனி இல்லை.

*முப்பது வயது ஞாபகம்*

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 அம்மா.. அம்மா.. எல்லா பைகளும் எடுத்துட்டீங்களா? வண்டி எடுக்கலாமா?

எல்லாம் எடுத்தாச்சு. இரு கொஞ்ச நேரம் திவ்யாவை தூக்கிவிட்டு வருகிறேன். ஆறு மாதங்களாக பார்க்கிறேன் இல்லையா, கவலையாக இருக்கு எனக்கு.

அட இதை பாருடா, உங்கள் சட்டையை பிடித்து கொண்டு விடாமல் அழுகிறாளே? பேசாமல் நீங்கள் அவளையும் கூட்டிக்கிட்டு போங்க. அவள்
 நீங்கள் இல்லாமல் ஏங்கி போய் விடுவாள்னு தோணுது.

அதுவும் நல்லது தான். நீயும் உன் பட்டப்படிப்பில் முழுமையாக கவனம
 செலுத்தலாம்.

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இவன் ஏன் எந்த நேரமும் அழுது கொண்டே இருக்கிறான். என்னால் தூங்கவே முடியல.

அவனுக்கு வயிறு வலி அங்கல். பால் குடித்ததும் தினமும் இப்படி தான். நீங்கள் அடிக்கடி வெளி ஊரில் இருப்பதால் உங்களுக்கு இது தெரியல.

ச்சே! பேசாமல் நான் ஹோட்டலில் தங்கிடலாம் போல. நிம்மதி இல்லை இந்த வீட்டுல. என்ன பிள்ளை வளர்க்கிறாங்களோ உங்கள் அம்மா!

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யாருடன் ஃபோன் பேசுறீங்க? ஃபோனை இங்கே கொடுங்க அம்மு!

முடியாது அங்கல். இது என்னுடைய ஃபோன்.

எதிர்த்து பேசுறியா? தோலை உரித்து விடுவேன் ஜாக்கிறதை!

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எவ்வளவு நேரம் இந்த பேஸ்மெண்டில் இப்படி இருக்கிறது?

பொறுமையாக இருங்க. இன்னும் கொஞ்ச நேரத்துல அவரு வண்டி சத்தம் கேட்கும். அதற்கு பிறகு துணி மணிகளை எடுத்துக்கிட்டு பாட்டி வீட்டுக்கு போயிடலாம்.

இதெல்லாம் ஒரு பொலப்புனு நீங்களும் இருக்கீங்க. நாங்கள் என்ன பாவம் செய்தோம்னு இப்படி துன்பபடுகிறோம்!

இருக்கிற பிரச்சினையில் நீயும் ஆரம்பிக்காதே! எல்லா பிரச்சினைக்கும் தீர்வு வரும்.

*40 வயது ஞாபகம்*


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அம்மாவுக்கு என்ன?

மன உளைச்சல்னு சொல்றாங்க.

இப்போது நம்ம என்ன செய்யனும்? ஒரே குழப்பமாக இருக்கு!

டாக்டரிடம் பேசினேன். மருந்து மாத்திரை எல்லாம் கொடுத்து இருக்கிறார். பாட்டி வீட்டிற்கு கூட்டிட்டு போகலாம். ஓய்வு எடுத்து மருந்து சாப்பிட்டால் சீக்கிரமாக குணம் அடைந்து விடுவார் என்று சொல்லி இருக்கிறார். பாட்டி தான் அம்மாவுக்கு ரைட்டான வைட்டமின்.

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அப்பா! இப்போ தான் நிம்மதி. நம்மல யாரும் தொந்தரவு செய்ய முடியாது இல்லை!

ஆமாம். ஆனாலும் இந்த நிலைக்கு வர நாம் நிறைய சிரமப்பட்டு இருக்கிறோம்.

ஹ்ம்ம். அம்மா எங்கே?

ஆமாம் டீச்சர் எங்கே?

அவங்க அறையில் இருக்கிறாங்க. 730க்கு வெளியே வருவாங்க. நமக்கு வகுப்பு இருக்கு இல்லையா!

ஞாபகம் இருக்கா, அவங்க தூங்கும் போதும், தியானத்தில் இருக்கும் போதும் யாரும் தொந்தரவு செய்ய கூடாது!

தெரியும். அது மட்டும் தானே அவங்க ஓய்வா இருக்கும் நேரம். நாங்கள் அதை கெடுப்போமா என்ன? எங்கள் வாழ்க்கையை மாற்றி அமைத்தவங்க அவங்க.

ஹ்ம்ம். நீங்கள் வந்த பிறகு தானே அவருக்கும் புத்துணர்ச்சி ஏற்பட்டது. சிஸ்டம்னு சொல்வாங்க.

தூங்கும் போதும், தியானம் செய்யும்போது கையில் அந்த கைலி எப்போதும் இருக்கும். அது ஏன்?

அது அவங்களுக்கு பிடித்த கைலி. கேட்டால் குரு கொடுத்ததுனு சொல்வாங்க. சரி, சரி அம்மா வருகிர நேரம். எல்லாம் புத்தகத்தை எடுங்கள். படிக்கலாம். சரியா 9 மணிக்கு உணவு.

நாளை காலையில் கராத்தே பயிற்சி இருக்கு இல்லை?

ஆமாம். ஒண்ணும் மாற்றம் இல்லை. காலையில் கராத்தே, மாலையில் கச்சேரி. பொழுது சரியாக போனால் உங்களுக்கு உருவாக்கம். இது அம்மா கணக்கு. ;)

                           ***

அம்மா.. கோவிலுக்கு பொய்ட்டு வந்து பார்க்கிறேன் கதவு பூட்டி கிடக்கு. உள்ளே இவர்கள் எல்லாம் தூங்கி கொண்டு இருக்கிறார்கள் போல. எல்லாம் பெரிய வாலு. வேணும் என்றே செய்திருப்பார்கள் போல.

ஹ்ம்ம். நோ ச்பெக்குலேஷென். பிரச்சினை வந்தால் தீர்வு செய்யனும். சொலுஷன். ச்திரெஸ் இல்லாமல் அப்போது தான் வாழ முடியும். வீட்டு ஃபோனுக்கு கோல் பன்னியா?

ஆமாம். யாரும் எடுக்கல. இப்போது என்ன செய்யலாம்?

ஒண்ணும் பிரச்சினை இல்லை இது. லாக்ஸ்மித் இருக்கிறார். அவரை அழைத்து கதவை திறக்க சொல்லனும். அவருக்கு அழைத்து விட்டேன். அவர் வந்ததும் உள்ளே பூட்டும் அந்த பூட்டை கழுட்டி விடலாம்.

பணம் செலவாகுமே!

பணம் தானே. சம்பாரிக்கலாம். உடல், உளம், சிந்தனை தெளிவாக இருந்தால் எதையும் செய்யலாம். இவர்களின் உருவாக்கம் என் இலட்சியம்.

                 ***

50 வயதில் தெளிவாக பயணம் போகிறது.

என் வாழ்க்கை என் கையில்.

தீபாவளி

வணக்கம். எப்படி இருக்கீங்க?

நான் நலம். தீபாவளி அதுவுமா இங்கே உட்கார்ந்து என்ன செய்றீங்க?

ஒண்ணும் இல்ல செய்ய அதான் இங்கே பொழுது போக உட்கார்ந்து இருக்கிறேன்.

உங்கள் மக்கள்? மனைவி?

எல்லாம் அவரவர் வேலைகளில் மும்முரமாக இருக்கின்றார்கள். என்னை யாரும் கண்டுக்கல.

ஏன் அப்படி? எந்த மனைவியுடன் இருக்கீங்க இப்போ?

யாருடனும் இல்லை. மூனு பேரும் கூட்டணி சேர்ந்து என்னை புறக்கணித்தார்கள். நான் இப்படி இந்த கடையில் நேரத்தை கழித்து தூங்கும் நேரம் மட்டுமே வீட்டுக்கு போகிறேன்.

ஏன்?

அவர்கள் பேசும் பேச்சு. அப்பப்பா! நாக்கை பிடுங்கி செத்து போகலாம்.

உங்களுக்குள் என்ன பிரச்சினை? நல்லா தானே இருந்தீங்க, எத்தனை மக்கள் உங்களுக்கு?

மூன்று பேருக்கும் மொத்தம் 13 பேர். அதில் ஒருவன கார் விபத்தில் இறந்து போனான்.

ஓ. மன்னிக்கனும். மற்றவர்கள்?

8 பெண் பிள்ளைகள். எல்லார்க்கும் கல்யாணம் முடிந்து அவரவர் புருசன் வீட்டுக்கு போய்விட்டார்கள்.

நீங்கள் ஏன் அவர்கள் வீட்டுக்கு போகல? அங்கே இந்த பெருநாளைக் கொண்டாடலாமே?

என்னை யாரும் சேர்த்துக்கல. அது இதுனு என் மேலே பழி சுமத்துகிறார்கள்.

அப்படி என்ன உங்கள் குற்றம்?

ஹ்ம்ம். மூன்று குடும்பத்தையும் சரியாக கவனிக்காமல் ஆற்றில் ஒரு கால், சேற்றில் ஒரு கால் வைத்து மக்களை நிராகரித்தது என் குற்றமாம். இப்போது எல்லாரும் சேர்ந்து என்னை ஒதுக்கி வைத்து விட்டனர். சின்ன வயசுல ஆடின ஆட்டத்திற்கு இப்போ அனுபவிக்கிறேன்.

இதற்கு என்ன தான் தீர்வு? ஒண்ணும் நீங்கள் முயற்சி செய்யலயா? ஒரு பிள்ளை கூட உங்களுக்கு ஆறுதலாக இல்லையா?

எல்லார்க்கும் என்னை பிடிக்கல. அவர்களை குத்தம் சொல்றதுக்கு ஒண்ணும் இல்லை. என் மேல் நிறைய தவறு இருக்கிறது. ஹ்ம்ம்ம். பெரு மூச்சு விட்டு விட்டு காலத்தை போக்க வேண்டியது தான்.

சரி சரி. கவலை பட வேண்டாம் நீங்கள். என்னுடன வாங்க. அந்த கடையில் நல்ல இட்லி கிடைக்கும். பசியாறியதும் உங்கள் பொழுதை  எப்படி சரியாக போக்கலாம்னு ப்லான் போடலாம்.

அது சரி. என்ன சொல்லிட்டு, நீங்கள் மட்டும் ஏன் இங்கே வந்து அதுவும் கடையில் இட்லி சாப்பிட போறீங்க? உங்கள் மக்கள், கணவர்?

எல்லாம் இருக்கிறார்கள். அவர் அவர் வீட்டில். எனக்கு இதில் எல்லாம் அத்தனை விருப்பம் இல்லை.

ஏன்? உங்களையும் உங்கள் குடும்பத்தில் உள்ளவர்கள ஒதுக்கிட்டாங்களா என்ன?

இல்லை, இல்லை. எந்த வீட்டிற்கு போனாலும் எனக்கு எல்லா பராமரிப்பும் கிடைக்கும். நானே இப்படி தூரமாக விலகி இருக்கிறேன். மற்ற நாட்களில் எல்லோரையும் பார்ப்பது உண்டு. தீபாவளி மட்டும் கொஞ்சம் அலெர்ஜி!

ஏன் அப்படி? தீபாவளிக்கும் உங்களுக்கும் என்ன பகை.

பகை இல்லை. வாழ்க்கையில் நடந்த ஒரு துயரம். அது துரதிர்ஷ்டவசமா தீபாவளிக்கு நடந்து விட்டது.

அப்படி என்ன துயரம்?

எனக்கு முக்கியமான ஒருவர் தீபாவளிக்கு முதல் நாள் கார் விபத்தில் இறந்து போனார். அவரை தீபாவளி அன்று எரித்து கடலில் கரைத்து கதையை முடித்து விட்டார்கள். இந்த நாளை கொண்டாட முடியல.

ஹ்ம்ம். கொஞ்சம் கஷ்டம் தான். கவலைப்பட வேண்டாம்.

கவலைனு சொல்றதுக்கு இல்லை. காலம் காயங்களை மறைய வைத்தது. இது ஏதோ ஒரு விரக்தி போல.  வேலைகளில் மூழ்கி நாட்கள் ஓடுகின்றது. எது எப்படி இருந்தாலும் என்னைவிட நிறைய கஷ்டப்படுபவவர்களைப் பார்க்கும் போது என் வாழ்க்கை சிறப்பானதுனு உணரும் எனக்கு வாழ்க்கை இனிமையான ஒன்றுதான்.

உங்கள் மன உறுதியை பார்க்கும் போது மகிழ்ச்சியாக இருக்கிறது எனக்கு.

ஹ்ம்ம். என் கதை ஒரு பக்கம் இருக்கட்டும். எங்கள் இல்லத்தில் வேலை செய்ய வருகிறீர்களா?

வேலையா? எனக்கு 70 வயது ஆகிறது. என்னால் நிறைய வேலைகளை செய்ய முடியாது.

பெரிய வேலை கிடையாது. எங்கள் இல்லத்தில் பிள்ளைகளுக்கு தாத்தாவாக இருங்கள். உங்களுக்கு தெரிந்த கதை சொல்லுங்க. உங்களுக்கும் பொழுது போகும், குழந்தைகளுக்கும் ஒரு நல்ல அனுபவமாகும். என்ன சொல்றீங்க? உங்களுக்கு உணவு கொடுத்து விடுவோம். நீங்கள் செய்யும் உதவிகளுக்கு சிறு சன்மானமும் கொடுப்போம்.

ரொம்ப நன்றி. கரும்பு தின்ன கூழியா என்ன? சந்தோஷமா இருக்கு. இந்த உதவியை நான் மறக்க மாட்டேன்.

இது உதவி இல்லை, வேலை வாய்ப்பு. ;)

Lowly souls- God's children

I am unhappy.

When?

All the time.

Why?

Everyone is scolding me. They pick on me all the time. Life is not fine.

Everyone?

Yes. Including you miss.

Why do i scold you?

I don't know.

You sleep while you cut vegetables. Your children follow suit. Remember you sliced your finger the other day? We had to throw the cabbage away as it was covered with blood from your finger.

I can't control my sleep. I feel sleepy all the time.

When we attended prayers the other day, you were falling asleep. So were your kids. Many people were unhappy to see you all. They felt it was inauspicious. People look down on you. I have to correct you.

I don't want to go there anymore. Those people are snobbish. Just because they're rich they can tell me this and that!

No! It doesn't matter if people are such. You need to change for the better. You need to change. You are your children's example.

I feel such a loser and a burden to everyone. I feel i belong in my old house. Nobody bothered us then.

Yes, that is the place where you slept happily. Your children became uneducated and dull. They were unclean and with rash.

I realize the kids are better but everything is very difficult. I prefer my old life.

Well you need to sacrifice some things for the sake of your children's future.

I wish life was happier.

Let's see how we can make your life better. There are things that you can do.

Yes. Like what?

Every time you are sleepy you walk around. Sleep early. Take a short nap in the afternoon so that you're fresh in the evening.

I can do that.

Let's start with this. We make changes accordingly. Life is meant to be lived well. Happiness is important.

Yes. I agree. Thank you.

Sack on my back PART TWO

 From Thailand i went to India.

I see. How did that happen?

I got pregnant. It was an accident. But that was the biggest turning point in my life.

You became a doted mother?

Not really. I discovered that i got a break from all these torturous routine. My body was given rest.

You said it was an accident. Why didn't you do something about the pregnancy?

I didn't know. As i was small no one realised i was with child. Some people teased me that i was becoming fat but no one connected it to motherhood. By the time discovery was made, it was too late to do anything about it.

Why India?

The current escort at that time was a businessman from there.

That was very kind of him.

Not really. Most of them were upset because this was bad for their business. I was earning quite a bit then. This man decided that i could perhaps continue the escort service in India after the baby is out. If its a girl, better still. She will be trained to follow my steps.

Oh my God! What did you do in India?

I was still an escort for Mr Ram.

Even during pregnancy?

Even during pregnancy. But it was not so tough. I was not sent to others. I felt a little relieved.

Hmm.. Apart from being an escort?

I was assigned to cut some materials. For stitching. It was simple cutting. I didn't even know what clothes it made! While working i used to miss Thailand.

What was there to miss?

I missed the beach. And the fried crab that we ate with cold beers.

We?

Friends. 'Colleagues'. We went to the beach on our scarce break days. With a chaperone of course.

Wah..

It was fun. We used to look at the sea water while sipping cold beers. The tiny fried crab tasted excellent. It was one of the very few stuff i loved.

Sounds scrumptious too!

It was extra fun when they had musical festival along the beach. There'd be so many stalls selling so many things. Those were good moments.

Shopping?

We were not allowed to shop. Just walking around. Some of my friends will eat the fried insects sold there. But i couldn't bring myself to chew something gross like that. They said its an acquired taste!

Yucks!! I can't imagine eating ants and bees!

Not ants or bees. Mostly it was grasshoppers, crickets even scorpions.

Double yucks for that!

:) you're almost turning purple with your yucks..

It's something that i will never do in a million years. That's why. Anyway back to India. What happened next? Apart from missing the beautiful Thailand beaches and crabs.

My delivery date came close and..




To be continued..

Ascetic healing

Was there pain in your bones, joints?

There's always pain in my bones. I cannot specify if there's new pain now.

Was there pain in your eyeballs? Especially when you close your eyes?

Yes, I think there was.

And the fever?

It comes and goes. Every evening. Then morning.

Did you expose yourself to mosquito bites?

Mosquitoes don't bite me usually. We can all be sitting and everyone would be complaining that they are getting bitten but i don't have that trouble with those insects. But recently some mosquitoes did bite me.

Where was this?

It was in the hospital. I went to visit someone.

Was he having any difficulties due to mosquito bites?

No, he had an ankle fracture. Someone else in the ward had been admitted for dengue.

I see. Then what happened?

About three mosquitoes bit me. Since it's an abnormal occurrence i immediately noticed the sting.

Hmm.

I tried to squeeze the sting out but nothing oozed as you know mosquitoes have very tiny stings.

Amazing observation you have.

Perhaps it can be concluded that I'm observant. Not amazing ;)

On the tenth day after the bite, the fever came. Pain around the body became more pronounced. Headache.

Did you do the blood test to find out what was wrong with you?

I didn't go to a clinic at all.

Why??

I hydrated myself with Gatorade and 100+. I also drank young papaya leaves' juice. It seemed to reduce the fever.

Should you take such a risk?

I'm fine. Remember when i had that severe backache? And the villaasana dream?

Yes. The backache went away.

The angina in the heart?

Yes, you said you dreamt that you sat under a waterfall.

It was no ordinary waterfall. It had rose water flowing out first, then sandal, then saffron, then milk and finally lotus came falling on my head, as i sat in awe, wondering what was going on.

You came to test your heart after the dream and the inflammation was gone. I wouldn't really believe any of these stories if I'm not your regular physician. I cannot present this to the medical council but i can listen to you in amazement.

I do find it amazing, myself. I'm unsure what's behind all these dreams but i do know that the cosmic power does look after me in a good way.

So what happened this time? Dreams again.

I have dreams every day. There's too many that i cannot define everything. But when something specific appears and it connects with the current happenings then i pay attention to it.

Hmm. What happened this time?

There was a little girl. She was sitting in a wooden chariot. She was in a simple green suit. She was eating biscuits.

Biscuits?

Yes. She gave some to me. The biscuits had leaves in them. It was like neem leaves only it wasn't too bitter. It tasted more like vilva leaves. But not quite.

And..

When i swallowed it, it became very bitter. I couldn't contain it in me. I vomited.

Ohh!

She gave me more. I had to eat it. And this time i didn't throw up.

You ate it.

Yes and it upset my stomach. My tummy hurt so much and i got up.

It was really hurting?

Yes. I was purging. A few times. The symptoms are now disappearing.

The mosquito bites'?

Yes. I guess if i go to a lab for a blood test now it might be negative.

You don't really need to go for a test. You just maintain the water level in your body. If the fever comes back then you come see me again.

You think it will come back? The fever?

Maybe it might. There are risks. Everything has risks.

I know that. If something tricks me in that way, it means it's time for me to meet my Creator. Which isn't bad. We call it fate winning over our intelligence.

Judging from past experience i don't think it will. Someone up there is giving you a helping hand when you fall. I'd say you're simply blessed.

Thank you. I do feel i am blessed. In many ways. And i say thank you at every possible moment. 

Sack on my back. Part One

When you walked in, you totally took my breath away!

Hmm. How did I do that?

You're so beautiful. Look at you. I love the shape of you!

Thank you. That sounds like a song. Your words.

Those tattoos on you?

Yes?

How did you get that?

You mean when?

Yes, when and how?

I have ten tattoos. All over.

Oh! Details, details please.

Well, I cannot give you all the gory details. I had it done in a few phases of my life.

I see.

The very first few were done in Thailand.

You went to Thailand?

I lived there for four years.

Ohh! I really don't know much about you, do i?

Nobody does. I have been quite a mystery. Now that many things have changed i can talk about me.

Tell me how you went to Thailand.

I was 18.

18? That was 15 years ago?

25 years ago. I'm 43 now.

Holy cow! Seriously?

Yup. Back to my story. I was 18. I was restless. I had just finished my high school. My results were nothing to shout about. I had no offers from any colleges nor universities. I was quite bored!

Your parents?

Mother. Single parent. Who slaved herself to put food on our table. She was too busy she wouldn't have noticed anything about me.

That's sad!

Yes, I guess. I pierced all over myself during that time. She didn't even know that!

You never tried to communicate with her?

I would try. She'd sleep off while I'm talking to her.

Ohh!!

Soon i decided to go to work. I went to a saloon. I thought i could manage hair. Perhaps learn to cut and trim. Or at least wash some heads.

You sound cynical!

I've reason to be. That's when my life took a radical twist. Everything changed.

What happened?

I was young and sweet. 18.

I can imagine. Then what happened?

Then, my boss started giving me lots of attention.

How romantic! Was he rich and handsome?

She was rich. She was handsome in a way.

She?

Yes, she. She took me out for dinners and functions. Dressed me up well. Taught me style.

How kind of her.

Not kind. For a reason. She started educating me on physical aspects.

Physical aspects, as in?

Sex. The bodily functions. How i can become powerful with my assets.

Ohh! Was that agreeable for you?

Well, I didn't think much about whether it was agreeable or disagreeable for me. I had no real talents, no papers, no money. I absorbed all that she was exposing to me. I felt excited. Finally I'm going to be somebody important. I wanted to feel big. This seemed to be a good way.

Did it happen that way? In that order? Did you become big and important?

Maybe in the outside i was. Big. Beautiful. Important. The experiences created a new me.

Your experience with?

Clients. My first client was my boss. She had a taste for young girls.

But isn't that very wrong?

I'm not sure what's wrong and right. She had the money. She took care of me. She might have used me in some ways but she didn't abuse me. The abuse came later. Much later.

How did that happen?

She sent me to her next client. Before sending me off she gave me some training. She trained  me about how i should serve him. He was her husband.

You make me dumbfounded. Speechless!

He brought me to Thailand. There i had many clients. Mostly from here. I was lucky the foreigners did not bother me. I was almost 19. I was too old for them. They preferred local young girls.

Hmmm..

Life in Thailand taught me many lessons. My boss' husband expected me to do extraordinary feats. When i am reluctant i will be punished.

Punished? Physically?

Yes. Some punishment involves my very private areas. It was unbearable. Some involved days without food. Alcohol was the only nourishment given. Which made me sick.

I'm so sorry for you.

No point in anyone feeling sorry for me. It was my own doing. All of it.

Perhaps, but..

I was sick on and off. Yet i needed to entertain these men and some women. The tattoos were done in order to create extra attraction on certain areas.

Oh! Gosh! Am i supposed to feel excited or repulsed?

For some it can be exciting. For some it might be repulsive. Depending on one's upbringing. Age too. When you're young some things will excite you. When you're older many things would make you want to throw up.

That's quite an awesome wink. From you. Considering what you've gone through.

What i told you is just the tip of the iceberg. From Thailand i went to India.

I see. How did that happen?

CONTINUED IN PART TWO

Death

I brought this milk tin for the old lady. Could you give her this twice a day please? It will give her a little bit of energy.

Hmm but do you know that this is a funeral house right now? The old lady's husband died. I don't think it's appropriate to bring in groceries now.

I'm really sorry that the old man died. But I believe to take care of those alive too. Do you understand what is the meaning of a funeral?

I'm not sure. I do know that there's lots of rituals, rules and regulations.

A funeral is a send off to a body. When a human dies we need to dispose the body as there is no use for it.

Yes and we have to do it properly so that it reaches its destination.

That destination is?

Heaven and hell.

What happens there?

The dead will either be punished or rewarded according to their deeds.

Don't the heaven and hell need bodies to punish? The body is left behind so, how you think it's going to be punished?

I... I don't know. That's what my parents and my grandparents told me. I never thought about all these issues before.

Let us leave that aspect alone. It's not up to us to speculate what happens to the soul. What is your role in this house?

I am the helper here. I have been here for the past five years. My master took me in after my husband left us.

Left as in?

He left us for another woman. I don't know where he is.

Us as in?

Me and my two daughters.

All of you stay here?

Yes, we do.

How did you come across this job?

I was working in a restaurant. Mr Rama used to come there for meals. He normally talked to me after dinner, over a few glasses of beers.

That's when he offered you the job?

Well...

Ohh.. You became close to him?

Yes. I talked to him about my troubles and he had his. He became a moral support. That was ten years ago.

You look young. How old were you then?

I was 35 and he was 65.

Is that not a big age gap for you?

Age did not matter. I was very unhappy. He was too. His wife was always sick. Bad diabetes. She could not look after him. He needed someone.

So you were his shoulders.

And he mine. Something like that.

How convenient!

It just happened. I don't know whether it is right or wrong. It solved many problems.

Hmm. When did you move in to this place?

Few years ago. He could not manage all the house chores and she was almost bedridden. So I offered to work here instead. I've been doing all the work. Looking after him and her.

Did she know the nature of your relationship with her husband?

Oh, no! I wouldn't do that to her. After meeting her, I felt very unhappy. I really do take care of her well. Like my mother.

Ah, but then he would be like your father, no?

Please don't say that! It was a twist of fate.

We could say that, can't we. It must be quite a shock for you. He dying off like this.

Yes.. Totally unexpected. But i feel that it's not too bad. As i have a place to stay. I will look after her well. I feel i owe it to her after all that has happened.

Hmm. Supposing this heaven and hell theory is right and your relationship is not something very right. Would your master travel to hell or heaven first? Perhaps he'd settle his account and then you catch up later?

I have no idea. This is not something i would think of. People like me only live for the particular moment. I'm not smart enough to analyse things. I do feel sorry for getting into this mess. But i cannot leave now.

It's alright. I guess everything is quite circumstantial here. I will not picture you as a serial villain. By the way, I wouldn't be sharing all these stories to everyone if i were you. Just stick to the maid story.

I agree. But most of them know without me telling them. Anyway i would be silent from now on.

Any idea what's going to happen in the future?

My master has written a will. He told me i could live here for as long as i want. I'm not hoping for anything big. I just need a roof over my head.

Your kids?

They're in a college nearby. He helped with their education. They will soon finish in a few years and then go to work. Perhaps then i can move to where they are. Only..

Only..

I'd only go once there's no one here.

When she dies..

Yes.

I guess the twist in fate is you becoming her nurse. Well i have to go. I do salute your noble ethics. Don't back out and live her in the lurch please.

Thank you. Don't worry, I won't do that.

Lethargy

Feeling lethargic and weak, I thought I should rest. That's what I've been doing lately.

As the messages in the insta started loading something caught my eye. It was a video.

I remember I have seen it before. Yet, today was different than the other day.

SHALINI SARASWATHI: SMELL THE ROSES AND BE HAPPY RIGHT NOW!

How apt! How courageous!

Somewhere within, we know time is precious. Unfortunately, it is the human tendency to forget.

True fighters never give up. True! I know that. Only, I tend to forget. The smallest troubles could disorientate me, me, the most powerful, strongest person I know of.

By saying this many me does not quote I'm an egotistical lass. I just know the dungeons I crawled out are many. Now, I am almost at the top.

How do I dismiss the constant pain?Why does it frequently come and go, come and go!

There was a moment I got fed up with the rest period and i grabbed my running shoes.At that particular moment, I reminisced, remembered why I bought it. Sweet Johnath had matching Nike shoes with matching caps. I bought a pair of pink Nike shoes and a pink t'shirt. I thought why not! While in Germany, no harm pampering myself. I couldn't buy an Audi, so I just bought the shoes.

Back to grabbing the shoes, I went to the tracks and started running. Ignore the panting. Ignore the irritant feeling. Somehow I couldn't. The pain was threateningly, scary. Indescribably scary.

I guess the unknown should scare me. But, after watching the video, I thought I'd do all that I wanted. Fill all my heart's desire. Continue dancing. Continue practicing. Continue working. If the blood pumping angel within me decides to stop, I'd say I pumped it to the last beat, to my heart;s fill.

I know I am happy. So, I am glad. :)   

Remember when..

Do you remember when i was leaning against your shoulder?

Where was this?

Hmm.. At the airport!

Were we ever at the airport?

No! We weren't really. But i thought perhaps it would have been fun.

Sitting in the airport?

No, just sitting with you. Leaning against your shoulder. Instead of..

Instead of?

Instead of you going off just like that. Disappeared into thin air!

I didn't disappear. I died, remember?

Yea, you did. But you could have sat with me for a while. A few times, a few moments, a few hours..

I didn't know my time was limited. Otherwise i would have sat with you. Wherever you wanted.

Hmm..

I would have made you happy. I would have not disappointed you in anyway. I would not have let you shed even a single tear.

But i did. Didn't i. I shed more than a million tears i believe.

I'm sorry.

All my tears didn't keep you with me, my love.

How i wish we had lived differently.

How i wish you didn't leave me.

I was not given a choice, my love.

What should we do?

You should live. While you live, hurt not another soul. Scratch not a single heart.

That's not too hard. Even if it was, I'd do it too. Just for you. Always for you.

And i for you.

Promise me something.

Yea sure.

Promise me you'd come back. Let's sit in the airport, again.

Again? .. Sure why not. Again!

Giraffe

You are awake at odd times again! Are you alright?

I'm good. I had enough sleep, so i woke up. Actually, I had a dream.

Ahh! Dreams again. It has been quite some time since you spoke of dreams.

Dreams and me are inseparable. Only now I'm not bothered by them. There was a giraffe. It was bowing down to me. I could only see its head. I knelt down and caressed its head. Then it stood up. Its height intimidated me. But, i rationalized that the giraffe is a herbivorous creature. Its not going to eat me. Its legs were too thin to squash me. Soo..

Soo.. ?

I just got up and started some work. I'm in the midst of doing some translations. It has been some time since i sat to write that i was lacking in discipline. Thus this little diversion of a chat.

Well, we could analyse your dream?

Analyse the giraffe?

I can notice your grin. Giraffes bowing down is a good sign. So look forward to something awesome coming your way.

Oh, wow! But then, for me every waking moment is an awesome thing. Every breath i take, every move i make, every job i complete! Everything, everyday is awesome.

But, you are in the midst of a financial crisis! How can life be good and awesome?

Let it be! That's man made. I contributed to it. Now i discovered what savings is all about. Bit by bit, put together, in time becomes a hill or even a mountain. No amount of advise or lecture would have taught me this.

True! Experience is our best teacher.

Yup. I got to start work. Nice chatting with you.

Always a pleasure. ;)

multiple intelligences

i don't want my child to sing. I don't want her to run. I don't want her to play, act or swim. I want her to study.

Only study?

Apart from the regular routines yes, I want her to study.

Why do you want her to only study?

I want her to excel in education. Score high marks. Become somebody.

Somebody as in a doctor, lawyer..

yes, of course.

I see. Is she happy with your ideas?

Not really. I think she hates me.

Because you make her study all the time?

Yes. She wants to sing. She wants to play with her friends. She's becoming quite rebellious. Angry all the time.

Do you have any idea why she wants what she wants?

No! I don't even want to know. I just want her to be obedient. Like how I was to my parents and grandparents.

I see. Did you want anything when you were a kid?

Maybe I did. I can't really remember.

When you close your eyes to sleep at night, do you feel complete bliss and fulfillment? Or do you feel you have missed some things in life?

I cannot say. I am too tired from work and I just drift off.. But I can't really say I'm totally blissful. Perhaps there are some missing parts within me.

Hmmm. Can you recall not having something you wanted to do?

I wanted to write. I liked writing songs. I was 15. It was the exam year and I had to stop writing lyrics as my time was all filled with tuition classes and homework.

So, you liked to sing too.

Yea, actually I did sing well. In fact I won several competitions. Mainly because my songs were unique. It was authentic compared to others' as I wrote my own lyrics.

But you did not pursue this?

I couldn't! My parents didn't allow me to. I went to college. Studied hard. Now, I work in a bank. My time is consumed with my career and managing my children. I'm happy to be this responsible mother.

Hmmm. What you're doing is awesome. But, can I suggest a few changes to it? I would like to bring your attention to some things which might help you to have a better relationship with your daughter.

Changes? I don't think any of us want changes. We only want academic excellence. We want our children to score and settle down in their lives with every possible goodness.

Have you heard of multiple intelligence?

I might have. I can't really remember.

It is the many intelligence that is within us. Some of us are musically inclined, some are great with numbers, others are good with languages while a handful would be terrific in sports.

I understand.

Understanding these intelligence in your children will give them a happy complete life!

Ohh! How can I do that?

You need to observe them. Study their likes and dislikes. By likes, dislikes I'm not acknowledging the destructive hobbies from the smart gadgets. I'm pointing at creative aspects like culinary skills, psychometric skills, musical capacity, sports and linguistics.

Where will I find the time? I'm so busy. They're busy. We need to be straight A's achievers to succeed. If we waste time doing this and that we might fall back.

Are you sure straight A's is the answer to a successful life? Do you know how many people collapse and fall into destructive lifestyle? Only because they have had an imbalanced childhood with unfulfilled desires.

I...

You seem disturbed. Have I caught your attention?

I was recalling a cousin who is in the hospital. Depressive and suicidal. Another relative who's been declared bankrupt because he was lost on how to manage his life. Balance...

Balance is important. Please try to absorb that.

I am trying to analyse and accept. I'm struck by your words. What if I create unhappy adults because of my pressure on my kids now to only focus on what I want them to do?

That's what I'm trying to make you understand. Children are beautiful creation of the universe. They need to unfold, bloom in all directions. Give them balance. Teach them balance in eating, playing, sleeping. Studying is part of playing so balance that equally. Praying is also part of playing. Instill that for ascetic discovery. All these creates a complete, compassionate, kind, happy and successful human being.  

I will consider what you said. After all what is life without happiness.

Well said! I wish you all the very best.

Let me tell you

I will never shed another tear
Not for you
Not for me

I will never shed another tear
Not for anything
Not for anyone

As all the tears dried
What i found
Made me smile

I'd dare to defy
All the odds
That possibly be

Cause here i am
Where i am
The highest peak

This peak is unreachable
For you
For them
For all

Let me tell you
This devil within
Unleashed and free

Will never be caged again

Kepentingan peranan ibubapa di sekolah. Disunting: karya Lokesh dan Darshaen.

Gambar rajah menunjukkan tentang kepentingan peranan ibu bapa di sekolah.

Antaranya ialah, ibu bapa dapat mengetahui kemajuan anak-anak mereka apabila mempunyai hubungan yang baik di sekolah. Dengan ini mereka juga dapat membantu memperbetulkan kelemahan-kelemahan murid.

Selain itu, ibu bapa bolehlah membantu memperbaiki serta menambah kemudahan sekolah supaya dapat mengurangkan beban pihak sekolah.

Akhir sekali, ibu bapa wajarlah menaja serta membekalkan barangan untuk menghias dan mencantikkan sekolah. Ini seperti membeli cat untuk melukis mural, membeli pasu-pasu pokok bunga yang berwarna-warni dan menjalankan gotong royong.

Tuntasnya, peranan ibu bapa di sekolah penting kerana dapat menjadikan suasana sekolah lebih kondusif dan sejahtera untuk murid.

The honest man - edited Lokesh

The sun was moving out of its horizon. Khuganes opened his eyes slowly and sat on his bed with a sluggish yawn. Abruptly, he remembered the significance of that day.

His father was bringing him to Melaka. When they arrived at their destination, they took a trishaw and went to the Taming Sari.

 When his mother went to the counter to pay the entrance fee, she realized that her handbag was missing. She looked high and low but could not find it.

Fortunately, the trishaw driver had found the handbag and gave it to Khuganes' mother. She thanked him profusely. As the saying goes, honesty is the best policy. As a token of appreciation, she gave him some money to him as one good turn deserves another, but he refused to accept it. 

A loving mother- edited Lokesh

The sun is just moving out of its horizon. Puan Aminah is working hard tapping the rubber trees. She has to be as hardworking as an ant as she is the sole breadwinner for her family.

Puan Aminah has a son. His name is Rinaldo. Rinaldo studies hard every day. He uses some candles to study because there is no electricity in his house.

He does not worry about the restraints around him and continues studying hard. At school, he becomes the brightest pupil. He is indeed as clever as a dolphin.

Due to his perseverance, Rinaldo makes it to the university. He graduates in medicine and becomes an efficient doctor. He helps to treat his poor patients for free. Of course he treats his mother like a queen and she is very proud of him. 

Keburukan internet

 Pada masa kini, Internet memainkan peranan yang penting dalam kehidupan murid. Namun Internet perlulah digunakan secara terkawal kerana ia banyak membawa keburukan.

Antara keburukan Internet ialah murid menjadi insan yang individualistik. Murid terlalu banyak menghabiskan masa dengan menggunakan Internet sehingga lupa mencari kawan. Ini menjadikan dunia murid terlalu sempit.

Seterusnya, Internet memerangkap minda murid dengan permainan-permainan yang menjadikan mereka lalai dan mengabaikan pelajaran.

Selain daripada itu, kes ponteng dan melepak akan meningkat kerana murid leka dan menjadi hamba kafe siber lalu enggan pergi ke sekolah.

Akhirnya, kes-kes jenayah akan bertambah kerana murid mungkin akan mencuri untuk menampung perbelanjaan pembelian data Internet.

 Tuntasnya, murid wajarlah menggunakan Internet dengan pantauan ibubapa agar pembelajaran tidak terganggu serta tidak terjebak ke dalam gejala negatif sehingga hidup terbinasa.

Fiddle fit

You're looking as fit as a fiddle.

Ahh.. Maybe I'm fitter than the fiddle, right now.

Is that possible?

Yup. Most possible.

Can you explain please?

Well, the fiddle being fit is physically fit. I'm not just physically fit. My mind is sound. My heart is tact. So, I consider myself fitter than the fiddle itself.

I see. This class you're running, is it just for kids? Do you have an age restriction?

No, there's no age limit. If you're 60, 65 and you want to exercise, you're most welcome. That woman is 48. She's been training for more than a year now. She has beaten the hospital from a heart stand.

Wow, that's great.

Amma, that group has warmed up. Shall i start the stretching?

Yes. Stretch for 10 minutes. I will join you shortly.

Did that girl just call you amma? Do all your students call you that?

Ohh, no! Those four black belts are my children.

Please don't kid me! I thought you're not more than 35 years old.

:) thank you, but I'm 50 this year. See the first strands of gray is appearing on my head.

Seriously?

Very serious.

How in the world? Do you have a special serum or something?

Nothing special. Just regular balanced lifestyle. Eat well, sleep well, dance well.

Oh, yea. We saw your dance with Alexander. He did a great choice by picking you. The both of you astounded everyone. Especially The Gerua.

Ahh, that was really a strike of luck for me. To be chosen by an international dancer. I'm just thanking my lucky stars.

You're very talented. Not just lucky.

I was sick. Anxiety disorders. This dance classes were to help me get oriented. Professional dancing is something very new for me. I only started a year ago. I had to attend these classes because my prof insisted.

But you did get lucky. To be chosen by Alexander himself...

Perhaps. I'm grateful truly. I'm also cautious and abide all rules. I don't take anything for granted. I work hard too.

Maybe your discipline came from the Karate?

Not really. My discipline roots from my father. He's the one who created me. He was a true believer of, ' Spare the rod, spoil the child' policy.

Oh! Then karate?

I started karate when i was 16. I gave it a break for about 15 years. For all my kids to arrive. Then, I was just practising for fun. I'd wear my uniform and try to recall my katas. Somehow i never got past my brown belt.

I see. I thought, you have been a black belt forever. No lady i know works for a black belt at the age of 50. Especially not here in our country.

I got it last year, at 49. Again i must say, I owe it to my disorder. I started training ardently because i needed diversions. Some people stepped hard on me. When i was attempting to get up, they stepped harder and never worried about crushing me.

The world is such a mean place.

Not really. For every mean person, I discovered two good people. I continued doing one work after another.

But you quit your job. Wasn't that a silly thing to do?

It was inevitable. I do agree that i quit for some reason but by the time the retirement came, the reason had expired. That clearly made me understand the nothing is forever concept. Now i just serve people, help change people's lives and my favourite job, moulding kids.

I guess you do need the money.

Money isn't everything. I have money tied up in gold, houses and bonds. But i wonder if i had all of it in front of me, I wouldn't know what to do with it. I'd probably keep giving it away till it all finishes. There are great satisfactions from what i do. I rule my kingdom.

How about the man in your life? I see him hovering around. Hoping for a reconciliation?

I doubt any form of reconciliation is going to come out if his hovering around us. I'm happy on my own. I will not subject myself to anymore degradation. I like my life now.

And Alexander?

Ha! Ha! I was wondering how come you haven't braised that topic. There's nothing going on there. As you can see, I'm always surrounded by my soldiers. There has been no rendezvous. Never will be too.

But we can see he's trying to woo you!

As i said, nothing is going to come out of this. I'm done with all these. I'm happy with my regime. I rule it my way. I work hard. I eat healthy. I dance wholeheartedly.

That's great.

Every moment is great. I live it great. You should excuse me. My class is waiting. I have to go.

It was a pleasure talking to you, Miss.

Likewise lad.

Rancangan Cuti Sekolah

Pada cuti sekolah yang lalu, saya dan keluarga mengunjungi kampung datuk saya yang terletak di Pahang. Sehari sebelumnya, saya dan kakak mengemas barang keperluan kami seperti pakaian, berus gigi dan kasut.

Pada hari itu, kami bertolak ke kampung. Pada pukul 8 pagi, kami pun menaiki kereta bapa untuk ke sana. Kami melonjak kegembiraan seperti tikus yang jatuh ke dalam beras.

Kami tiba di kampung pada pukul 2 petang. Suasana di kampung kelihatan indah nian.

Saya melompat terkinja-kinja melihat datuk dan nenek. Kami menjamu selera dengan nasi dan gulai ikan yang disediakan oleh nenek. Ibu memberi buah tangan kepada nenek. Saya dan datuk berbual-bual dengan gembira.

Pada hari keduanya, datuk dan nenek membawa kami ke dusun datuk.  Terdapat pelbagai jenis buah-buahan seperti durian, nangka, rambutan dan manggis. Saya membantu untuk mengutip buah rambutan. Datuk mengopek sebiji buah durian untuk kami.

Pada petangnya pula, datuk membawa saya ke sungai untuk memancing ikan. Datuk mengajar saya cara memancing ikan. Saya memancing dengan gembira. Selepas beberapa jam, saya mendapat seekor ikan yang besar.

Akhirnya pada hari ketiga, kami pun pulang ke Kuala Lumpur dengan hati yang berat. Saya berdoa kepada Tuhan agar datuk dan nenek  hidup sejahtera selalu. 

A friend in need is a friend indeed

The sun was moving into its horizon. The sky was orangish pink. Rosli and Haziq were walking home after their hockey practice. They were enjoying the evening breeze.

Suddenly, they heard a sound from afar. It was like someone was crying for help. They rushed to the nearby river. Their suspicions were correct. Someone was almost drowning.

Alas! It was their friend Keerttan. With quick action, Rosli dived into the river. He grabbed the victim. Haziq helped him to pull their friend to the riverbank. The poor boy was unconscious.

They gave him first aid to revive him. Keerttan woke up with a start. He was grateful to them for saving him. On that day, Rosly and Haziq discovered that doing good is a wonderful feeling. Keerttan was ecstatic to have a friend in need who is a friend indeed.

KTM

Salam,

Pada 11 April 2017 saya telah menaiki keretapi ke Segamat. Selepas tinggal di sana semalaman, saya pergi ke stesen keretapi Segamat untuk menaiki keretapi ke Gemas untuk pulang ke Kuala Lumpur.

Setibanya di stesen, saya menyedari bahawa tiket saya silap tarikhnya.

Saya pun menemui kerani di kaunter tiket untuk membetulkan kesilapan pada tiket saya itu.

Kerani meminta saya membeli tiket baru. Saya menerangkan bahawa kerani tiket di stesen Sentral Kuala Lumpur tersilap menaip tarikh pada tiket saya. Kenapa pula saya perlu membeli tiket baru?

Saya seorang pesara kerajaan. Hidup menyara diri dengan pencen yang tidak seberapa.

Kerani KTM di stesen Segamat masih berdegil supaya saya membeli tiket baru.

Dengan hati yang berat saya membeli tiket lalu menaiki keretapi. Sepanjang perjalanan ke Gemas, saya cuma terfikirkan perkara ini.

Tiada pegawai yang memeriksa tiket saya. Kalau saya mengamalkan sikap acuh tak acuh dan terus menaiki keretapi tanpa cubaan memperbetulkan kesilapan teknikal kerani KTM Sentral Kuala Lumpur, saya tidak akan kehilangan wang saya.

Tetapi itu sudah tentu bukan tindakan yang jujur. Hati kecil saya sudah pasti tidak akan melepaskan tindakan sebegitu.

Minda memikirkan apakah sebenarnya tindakan yang patut telah diambil oleh kerani KTM di Segamat.

Saya rasa di sini, kita harus melihat aspek budi bicara kerani itu. Sekiranya kerani tersebut telah mengambil keputusan untuk mengamalkan sikap berbudi bicara tanpa prejudis, mungkin beliau telah memberitahu saya untuk menaiki keretapi tanpa bayaran. Mungkin beliau tidak ingin bertolak ansur kerana saya berbangsa India.

Bagi pihak diri saya, saya telah bertindak dengan jujur dan waras. Cuma hati saya berat.

Saya harap pihak KTM tidak cuai semasa mencetak tiket. Kerana konsekuensinya ditanggung oleh penumpang dan bukan pihak KTM.

Getting ready

Every weekend as the training days arrived, I get into a preparatory state. My mind gets ready to accept physical training. My body usually tenses up. It expects some pain. There's always pain involved.

Then why do you do the training? You enjoy feeling the pain? They have a name for those kind of people, I believe?

Masochist! I'm not a masochist. There were times when this sport gave me the greatest pleasure and the biggest sense of achievement. It still does only, some things have changed!

Changed as in?

As we age, things change. The physical body gets tired. There's some kind of imbalance which triggers many troubles from within. The mental state becomes stronger and more disciplined. Clearly more determined than the heart and the body.

If there's too much pain, I think you should give up, not torture yourself in any way.

There's lots of pain sometimes. I have looked for solutions. I identified all the elements which were lacking in my system. I updated it. There are pills i pop! ;)

You sound like you're upgrading a software device.

We're the world's best device and I'm tuning it to function to its highest level. I'm very lucky that at 50, I'm almost as fit as a fiddle. I've no serious medical issues. The only serious stuff i encountered would be the menopausal symptoms which I've mastered and resolved in style.

Resolved with pills??

Pills as in not those Lorazepam! I've estrogen and progesterone for Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays. Strontium, D and Kalium on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Sunday is my pill free day.

Mamamia... These are..?

The lacking elements in my system. When you age, please do so with comfort and not suffer gently because you feel that's how it is!

Hmmm. I realize that you're moving high up in a rather systematic pace. I'm quite proud of you.

I also include lots of beet roots, carrots and lentils in my diet. There are days everything will seem like it had failed and it's not too easy but every time i walk in a tournament court, I'm happy to acknowledge that I'm the only veteran black belt Malaysian, Indian lady. That itself gives me a fabulous adrenaline rush. It is an amazing feeling when everyone stands erect and bow in respect to you.

Of course it would be amazing. I've seen all you sports people standing erect with that superb posture. I do envy you. Some of us call it 'the winners' circle'.

Don't just stop with envy. Get a suit, join the academy and become as fit as a fiddle. End of day exercise makes you better in many ways. In ten to 15 years you will be thanking me for this piece of advise.

Definitely. I'm already learning. I'd follow your advise for sure. :)

Superstitions

I'm so fed up with some people.

Why? What happened? What they did to you?

They're too superstitious!

Superstitious as in?

They believe in silly dreams. Coincidences are misinterpreted. Mountains are made out of molehills.

Give me an example please.

For instance, there was this lizard, stuck on the door in my house.

Hmmm..

It fell on me, when i opened the door. It fell almost on my forehead. But it missed and slid off my fringe.

That's a remarkable slide, I'd say.

Yea, I was amazed. But i reckoned i gave the lizard quite a big scare too.

Yes, I reckon too. Then..

My folks and my grand folks. They became most frantic. They said it was a bad omen. They called the priest and asked for an interpretation.

What did the priest say?

He said normally the lizard falling on the right forehead is considered auspicious and if it falls on the left then it's inauspicious. I'm not sure of the location. It could be the other way round.

But it fell on your fringe.

Yup. There's no interpretation for lizards falling on fringes as no one had a fringe those days. I was wondering perhaps the lizard fortune telling ended before the fringe era.

Perhaps no one recorded it so precisely.

You mean there could be something to all these?

I've no idea, my dear. But I'd say if your old people tell you something, you should just adhere to their advise. Just to give them the confidence and happiness that all is well. For me making the old people happy is more important than any principle i hold close to heart.

But you think lizards are bad?

Like you said the lizard must have been terrified that day too. We can't blame lizards for our misfortunes. Our life is in our hands.  The mistake that we make is ours alone. Be responsible for your every action. Life will be how you want it to be.

I don't have to explain to my old folks about all these?

No, just play along to what they expect from you. Old is gold. You need all their blessings.

Alright. Will do so right away. 

Confusion

I'm getting more and more confused about things, you know!

What are you getting confused about?

All these extra activities that I'm being asked to do. I feel confused. It is so unlike my life.

What is the difference between now and then?

The food for instance. I dislike these raw food. We used to eat simple food before like soup and fried chicken. I loved eating those. Now all the beet root, carrots and cucumber. It tastes bad. I feel like throwing up.

You will get used to it. It's good for you.

You mean to say chicken isn't?

I'm not here to debate with you about the food types. I'm just here to help you pick up your life. To help you to fend for yourself.

I appreciate all that you're doing. But what has food got to do with all the survival issues? Why do i need to join the children in their karate classes? And the satsang too. I'd rather wash clothes or do other chores.

Why are you here? What happened to your husband? He left? Or...

My husband died. I'm not educated. I have two kids to take care of. So, my brother sent me here.

What happened to your husband? How did he die?

He had a heart attack.

Heart attack! What caused the heart attack, you think?

I have no idea.

How did you know your husband? Is your marriage arranged? You fell in love?

My husband is my uncle. He's my mother's brother. When i was young, I wasn't too smart. I didn't like school. I used to do housework. Helped my mom around the house.

You met your uncle cum husband there?

No, my mom used to send food for my uncle. He worked in his workshop. He was a foreman.

You fell in love with him...

No, he used to ask me favors. He said his body hurt. I had to massage him. I didn't know he was taking advantage of me. I was 18 years old.

You could have told your mom about it!

I didn't know. I had no bright future. No education. I accepted that my uncle is the solution to settling down in life.

Hmmm. Its a very sad thing that uncles need to exploit their own nieces whom they should consider as their own daughter. Even sadder that you as a girl allowed yourself to be trapped in this way. How old are you now?

32.

And him?

He was 48. When he died. That was last year.

Me telling you that you have made the biggest mistake of your life is not going to solve any of your life's problems.

I'm sorry.

There's nothing to be sorry about. You seem to be a circumstantial victim. It's very sad. But i hope you will be smarter from now on.

I'm not very smart.

By smart i mean not academically. After training, you will be going out to work. In people's houses. Even shops. I'm hoping with your cooking skills you might be able to open a stall or something. But..

But?

You must be careful not to get entangled with any man. There are some cunning people around.

No, miss. I promise i will not do that.

You know, you are not my first case, nor are you going to be the last. I've seen this kind of scenario. When you make this kind of mistake the victims next will be your children. I'm glad you don't have a daughter. Then, she might become the target next.

I will not get involved miss. I was not happy with my husband. My kids weren't either. We're much happier here. I prefer to help you. I don't have to go out to work. Teach me to bring my kids up well. I will listen to you.

We will see. Were your husband an alcoholic?

No, he didn't drink. He smoked. He gambled. He sold all the household things. My few jewelries. When i questioned him, he hit me. I've had enough.

Hmmm.

But why do i need to eat so much of vegetables and the exercise? I miss the old lifestyle. The food. I don't like the exercise. It really makes me tired. The kids hate the food. And they prefer playing in the playground. Not the serious training that you do.

You see, my dear. I would like to see you live a longer life than your husband. That's why you need more vegetables. The training is discipline. It wakes your body cells. The yoga helps you to become healthier. When you are 50, you will be thanking me.

Yes, I remember my husband never exercised. He ate lots of meat. No vegetables at all. No wonder he died young.

See. Make sure you don't make the same mistakes your husband did. He lived recklessly. He died young because of that. Please be more responsible for your kids' sake. Be very cautious where men are concerned. Any risk that you take will affect your kids.

No, miss. I will be alright. Just keep us with you. We will be alright.

Ecstatic and ecstasy

You're sitting in an uncomfortable position. Are you alright?

Never have been better. This is a meditation pose. Yoga. To sit erect and straight. To feel ecstatic.

Hmm. It does seem to be the thingy now. Everyone is doing it.

Yup! Those who are health conscious would want to definitely do it. Those who are already messed up try to rectify their problem.

Is that possible?

I guess so. I'm new to these exercises. Yet, I feel as if this has been what's destined for me.

What do you mean?

Throughout my life, I have felt trapped. I never found happiness. I have been somewhat lost.  I used to imagine there's something else hidden within this bag of meat and bones. The dreams, the confusion!

Hmm. I remember. Your nightmares. Your losses too.

Yet i couldn't identify what and which? The whys in life. Now I know. I lost what I lost to discover this ecstasy. Nature was directing me to the wonderful yogic experience. My dreamss of that man in the loincloth, with locks of long hair, was for real. He is the Aathiyogi. 

Sounds incredible.

Feels more incredible, my friend. I feel that I am sometimes the wind, Then suddenly, I'm flowing like the cool water from the falls. It's difficult to explain, unless you experience it for yourself.

Perhaps i will soon.

When the time is right, you would too. If it's meant to be, it will happen. I realized, i have left behind many   ignorant ones. At the moment, I am my best company. To close my eyes and to continue making newer discoveries is ecstasy. 

Aren't you lonely, ever?

Gosh, no! I'm finally at peace. I'm in love with the entire cosmos, alone, on my own. It is an ecstatic feeling. You will soon tell me too. 

Somehow, I knew this was coming. Your patience and calmness sort of indicated your path.

I guess. Discovering negative feelings are harmful to my system and getting rid of them  was a great fete. After this, everything slowly changed. I used to write about being in cloud nine. Now I'm always there. No more dreams. No anger, no pain.

Yes, I remember you saying. Anger is a waste of time. It is slow poison. Self poisoning!  

Yes, exactly. I.m just discovering what lies within me. I wish you the best too. In discovering yourself.

The Dog

Are you crying?

Yes, sort of.

Why? What happened?

I realized something today, just now.

And...

It was raining really heavily. I was driving with difficulty. The rainwater was lashing away.

Ok..

Suddenly, out of the blue, a dog came running, or rather a puppy.

Oh!!

It ran underneath my car. Obviously, it was not a street dog. It looked terribly lost. And it was trying to shelter beneath my car.

Did you hit it?

No.. I stopped in mid junction. Slowly reversed. The next moment i know, the dog was in front of me.

You missed it. That's good no?

No, another car came fast and hit it. I think it died on the spot.  The next car went over the dead dog and crushed it.

Gosh, how sad!

I turned back, intending to run as far as possible from that horrible scene.

There's nothing much you could do, under the circumstances.

It was not really that. I was most ashamed of my thoughts. It took me some minutes to register what was actually running in my mind.

Hmmm, carry on.

I realised that i was relieved that some other car killed the dog. As long as it wasn't me, the death of an animal was not an issue.  That made me unhappy.

It's not really your fault.

I could have saved it. Perhaps i should have gotten down and took it into the car. It wouldn't have died. But I'm afraid of dogs. I couldn't imagine doing that.

Let it go. It's just an unfortunate accident. Keep calm. Take it easy.

ulasan- Cara-cara mengulangkaji pelajaran dengan berkesan

Gambar menunjukkan cara-cara mengulangkaji pelajaran dengan berkesan. Antara cara-caranya ialah dengan menelaah pelajaran di bilik sendiri untuk mengingati apa yang telah dipelajari di sekolah.

Selain daripada itu, kita juga hendaklah pergi ke perpustakaan supaya dapat merujuk bahan rujukan tambahan di sana.Seterusnya, kita bolehlah berbincang dalam kumpulan supaya dapat bertukar-tukar idea.

Di samping itu, wajarlah kita mendapatkan nota-nota tambahan dengan melayari internet. Nota-nota ini akan membantu kita memahami apa yang dipelajari.

Sementelahan, kita juga patutlah mendapatkan penjelasan daripada guru untuk segala keraguan kerana ini akan menolong kita memahami apa yang dipelajari.

Tuntasnya, seseorang yang rajin mengulangkaji pelajaran dengan berkesan akan menjadi seorang pelajar yang cemerlang.

Finding my way, the way.

I saw this motorbike zoom by just now. i felt struck for a while. A Yamaha 125. Red and white.

Something from the past?

Very much so There are so many things related to it. Many hospital visits. Sufferings. But most importantly. That's what he rode. His Yamaha was his Yema-wahana. He died on it! But, for a moment I thought he was riding back. He was reaching home. Which is impossibly silly. It has been almost twenty years. But...

But?

For a moment, I was worried. I thought to myself. Where would i fit him? Would he be upset with all that i do?

What do you mean?

Well I've been quite independent. My dancing. My karate classes. Would he mind my activities? Will he forbid me to do all that i want?

Oh, come on. This is the 21st century. Those things don't exist.

Ah, ah! No, no! It existed in my life. It took quite a while for me to get over things...

Hmmm.. It must have been hard on you... That smile again.

It was terrible for about 19 years. Recently, I made a huge discovery. I discovered myself.

Ohh! Don't we know ourselves?

For a long long time I was pining and missing him. I was looking for activities to replace him. Restless, depressed and never at peace. Suddenly, I realized I don't need him. I don't need friends. I don't need anything. I only need to be me. To be myself.

So, you like to be alone?

No, no! I like people. I like friends. I like children. I have loads of love for everyone. Tonnes of kindness to be given away. It's just that I discovered to be independent. I became strong.

Yes. I can see that you're amazing. That's why we're doing well.

When there's money. Anything is possible. We just need to keep moving forward. Work hard. Be creative.

True. It's not often we get to teach children lessons, martial arts, yoga, songs, dance and self grooming in one package. You have made that possible.

And i wouldn't have done anything if life had been normal. I would have been a devoted wife. Responsible daughter in law and a great mother. Nothing else. Everything does happen for a reason.

Very true.

I'm not saying I'm happy he died. I understand there's a reason for everything. Life evolves. We should make the best of every second of each day. Living in regret is a waste of our life.

Well said.