Thank you

Have you done counting the stars?

Ha, ha! I'm not counting stars. I'm thinking of how to get things done.

What do you need to do? Things don't get done by gazing at the sky you know!

True. Still, it gives a calming effect. The stars. I often look for Betelgeuse.The bright red star. Orion constellation.

Yea. I've read about it. The dying star.

I encountered it first somewhere. I'm unsure whether i saw it in the story ' The fault in our Stars' or elsewhere. But recently i came across Betelgeuse in another story. 'Searching for David's heart'.

Ohh!

When I'm extremely tired i look for it. When I'm unhappy, I search the sky for the Betelgeuse.

You get answers from it? Does it have mystical effects... You're smiling that silly smile again.

Nothing of the sort. Most things are based on beliefs. Hopes. I just drown in its beauty and get diverted. Something shifts within and i feel calmer, comforted.

Hmmm. What do you need to sort now.

Work! It's a congested period now. Getting things completed in a crucial deadline.

London!

Yes. You know I've stopped setting deadlines for anything! Yet, here i am. Rushing. I find time running out. Issues not settled.

Ok. Let's list all your 'issues. Start with priority.

Siddarth. I'm worried they're not going to set the alarm and he's going to miss his exams. Today, I waited for them to get ready on their own but no one did. No alarm. They said i didn't tell them to set it. !! I put another note on the white board. The notes on the board is already overflowing the brim.

And!

I confessed being alarmed because of the alarm. My daughter just smiled. She asked me to recall her MBBS days in Mangalore. "Were you there Mummy? I functioned right? I'm just being cool because you're here. Once you're out the door, I'd take over!

See!

Yea, I guess i over worry about everything. As i was sitting on my blog, I noticed some activity in the hall. After they left i walked out and saw the white board had been wiped clean. That worried me too.

You worry unnecessarily. You cannot do everything. You wouldn't be able to stand guard 24/7. Give them a try. I believe they are enterprising enough. You have raised them well.

Not specifically true. Sometimes i believe they have raised me. Not vice versa. Still i guess you are right. They will be fine.

I think its great you have to leave them on their own. It will give them a test of their survival skills.

I guess so.

What else is there?

That's most of the wrapped up worries. The rest is all about packing, getting checked in and flying.

Then do it. Give the kids a chance to function by themselves.

Yup. You're right. Thanks.

                                      *************


I was very flattered to receive a few mails these two days.

Some nice people were wondering why i have not posted new journals.

How come no conversation Ms?

Have you become tired of writing?

Lost for ideas?

I replied with, thank you very much. please read blog. Answers will come. Thus, I wrote this.

Highest height of pain

You are deep in thought.

Yup. I am with my thoughts. They are my best friend and the worst enemy!

Tell me what you are thinking please. Your thoughts often give me answers. When i advise you i get some consolation myself.

Well, I was measuring the heights of my pain. I asked myself if i have recorded the highest height of my misery.

Have you now? How did you identify the level of misery within you?

I measure pain. I have seen some grief. Due to some death. It was big.

Then you have seen other kinds of pain too?

Hmmm. Yes. Betrayal, neglect. They're bigger pain.

How do you say that?

The hurt is bigger. It hurts more.

I've never weighed issues in this manner. This is an amazing concept. You say betrayal and neglect. How do you differenciate the two?

Betrayal is when promises are broken. Neglect is when you're treated like you don't exist. These two gives the bigger pain.

You said big and bigger. Is there a biggest hurt then?

Oh! Yes.

And that will be?

Seeing people who are more hurt than me. That gives me the biggest pain. I get the need that i should make them better.

An empath?

Perhaps. I'm not sure. But i feel better once i see changes in them. When their lives improve. But..

But?

They leave. Without asking me whether I'm ready to let them go.

Why do they leave?

They find better pastures. They decide it's time. They don't ask my opinion nor preference. They just go. Without a proper goodbye.

That makes you angry?

No. Just hurt. Then after awhile i become stronger than before. At the precipice, something happens. When i think all is lost, I change. Along comes another realisation. I am good. Those who left are not meant to be with me. It's actually their loss.

Is this an egotistical claim? You're great and people who decide not to linger are losers?

Not from that point of view. I just feel i could have done more. Made their lives perfect.

Perfection cannot be seen from your individual belief. Everyone has personal needs. Life is about searching for a particular fulfilment. Till that's done, the search continues.

Perhaps.

Please remember whatever that you do for others would be accounted for somewhere, somehow. Let's just think nature merits you in someway. You should never attach yourself too much to anything or anyone in particular.

I needed them as much as they needed me. I feel used. Lost and alone.

I guess that's why you wear all these beads in your neck? Big, small, brown and black?

Yes. The rudraksham gives me confidence. I feel strong. I was lucky. I even got the single faced rudraksham.

Rudraksham is fine. It gives good health, spiritual enrichment. But grappling onto it in desperation is not what it is all about. Your strength is within you. You, yourself, are your own rudraksham. You can give it any number of faces you want.

That's why you are bare? I don't see you wearing any accessories nowadays. I thought you were influenced by your atheist friends that you have discarded all the holy beads.

Oh! No! They might not believe in God but they're the kindest that I've met so far. Their concept of not hurting anyone is good enough to prove that something good is a guide for them from within. They just don't give it any names.

Hmm ok. Speculations never was the better thing to do.

That's true. And I decided for myself that i don't need any form of accessories. My confidence, my skills and abilities were my biggest attributes. I didn't need anything concrete to hold on to. I had abstract accessories. In my mind, heart, limbs, all over me.

That's really nice. It gives a good feeling. Bare and strong. Why did i not think about this?

Every time i help someone i just feel happy seeing them grow. Whatever they do, wherever they go. But i also make it a point that no one steps on me in the name of service. Trust me i have seen my share of users.

Ohh!

We can help others unconditionally. Without expectations. Without prejudice. Service and charity must give you lightness. It should never be a burden.

I understand now. Thank you for your time.

You're welcome. Be happy. It's alright to have felt all levels of pain but its important to become stronger, happier and better. Remember you said it, at the precipice we change. We become the best, the strongest and the happiest. I'm glad to see you smiling. Hold it there forever. Take care. Bye for now.

Bye. Thank you again.

A creative story

In the early stages of writing children are often confused on usage of similes, idioms; proverbs. As they write, these are expected to be included to highlight their skills and proficiency.

Often texts and stories take creative turns with the usage of proverbs.

I've created short texts and sentences using proverbs, idioms and similes. I hope it's helpful.

When Sam's mother went to the market, she assigned her son to keep an eye on his younger sister, Sara. Sam is a responsible boy. He was exactly like his grandfather in looks and character. We can say, he's a chip off the old block.
Sara was different. She was mischievous. Once their mother left, she insisted to go out to play. Sam put his foot down and did not allow her to go as it was going to rain. Clouds as dark as coal were fast gathering and a heavy storm was threatening to fall.
Sam gave her some books to read and he too settled with his favorite novel. Suddenly, something caught his eye. He noticed Sara was not in her place.
Oh! Why is Sara such a thorn in the flesh, he thought aloud.
He looked high and low for her in the house. She was nowhere to be found. She seemed to have disappeared into thin air.
He rushed out into the garden. He found her in the midst of some flowers. She was trying to pluck some flowers which were as colourful as the parrot.
He gave her a piece of his mind and brought her into the house. She didn't seem to turn a hair. He decided to draw the line and told her strictly that she's not allowed to go out at all. To be on the safer side he locked up the gates and hung the keys high up.
Sara was in tears and later began to smile when Sam gave her a hot chocolate drink as a treat. After all blood is always thicker than water. 

Remedies

Do you know how i feel right now?

How do you feel?

I feel like i was a flame and suddenly someone doused me off with a bucket full of water and ice. I feel cheated and smashed.

That's an awful way to feel. What are you going to do about it?

I'm at a dead end. I feel like going into hibernation. Bury myself in a hole.

Oh! For how long is that?

If possible forever. I hate this world, this life and its occupants. Its totally filled with evil.

Let's self assess what we have.

What's there to assess? I'm not interested in anything!  Please don't try to brain wash me.

I'm sorry. Were you under the impression that I'm brainwashing you? I'm here to help you understand your troubles and live a better life.

I don't think anyone can make me feel better. I was dependent on my husband. Now that he left me for another, there seems to be a vacuum. I'm feeling empty. I don't want to do anything.

Yes, you did say. Can you tell me what you were doing before this?

I am a teacher. I teach children mathematics.

Hmm. I was a teacher too. I find it the most wonderful profession. Did you not enjoy teaching?

I do. I did. Only right now I'm at a dead end. I'm not able to move. I feel frozen.

You're heartbroken. I can understand. Was your marriage good? Were you happy?

Not really. He was often distant. He ignored me. For no reason. I didn't really live a good life.

So what have you got to lose?

I'm hurt. He left without any explanation. I was good to him. I did not shirk any of my responsibilities. I took care of him perfectly. There was no flaws in my duties.

Well, there must be a reason for him leaving. He must have had other needs. There's always a reason for everything. When i lost my husband i thought it was the end of the world. After that, I wasted three whole years, doing nothing.


You did nothing?

I had to go to work. I had to complete my degree. I dragged myself to school and back. I didn't do a good job. I was lucky nobody sacked me. Compassion saved me from being ousted from university too.

Oh! You look so cool. I thought you were trouble free. How did you recover?

I'm not sure how it happened. Maybe i got tired of being stagnant. My friends, my children could be a reason. I can't really remember but what i can recall is my ability to do one work after another. I just kept working.

What kind of work?

Any kind of work. My kids became my most important responsibility. Watching them climb the stairs of life gave me a good kickstart. Having smart, talented kids was a plus point.

My kids are good children too. And i realize I've been neglecting them. Oh! Gosh! I've been pining for someone who hurt me too much and hurt those who have been kind. I'm the most despicable person on earth.

Please don't label yourself as that. The most important thing is to make changes and live life well. Take one day at a time. Help someone everyday.

Everyday?

Yes. You're a teacher. There must be children in your school who need things. Give them food, clothes, education.

That is something i can do. But i feel I'm such a failure. He dumped me. I guess I'm so worthless.

Please look at it this way. When you start helping people you are bound to make changes to their lives. You will see progress in their lives. Small changes in individuals will slowly create big differences in the society. As a teacher every inch of growth in your student will give you enormous happiness.

Yes, I agree with you. Every time a student who has been failing gets through an exam i do feel exhilarated. It gives a change within me.

Exhilaration is a positive feeling. Accumulate it everyday. Children's growth is not only based on marks and exam. Make overall changes. Make a child stand tall. Help him discover himself. That's the most awesome thing that a teacher can do. We are given the power to do creation. Moulding.

Hmm. I always did only what the system wanted me to do. Finish the syllabus. Give exams and mark homework. Never bothered to venture beyond.

Try it. Once you start creating your line of prodigies, your self esteem and confidence will grow. You will also feel more energetic to create more. Then you will realize that you are doing more good now then when you were trying hard to be a good homemaker.

Where i was never appreciated.

Yes. You will discover that your students worship you. They give you respect and love. One day you will realize that perhaps God took away something to allow you to find your strength and help change other people's lives.

Wow! I feel great. I feel like I've been given the role of creator. It's a great feeling. Thank you my friend. You have helped me change my view on my life. I'm going to start making changes immediately.

Discoveries

Hello

Hello, how are you? Great to run into you.

What is it that i find different with you now then before? When did i see you last? Nine months ago?

Yes. I guess so.

You look different now.

I suppose we change as we age!

Oh! Pardon me! I didn't mean it that way. I want to say that you look better now. You look cheerful and more vibrant. You look alive!

Haha! Aren't we all alive? But i must say there are changes in me! I made discoveries.

I see. What kind of discoveries? If you don't mind.

I don't mind. If my experience is going to be of any help to you, I don't mind sharing it with you.

Hmmm.

I think i have never had this being not alive feeling. Except for the time when i lost my senses and was trapped in a delusionary world, I have always continued my duties without disruptions. I was stopped by my internal system which broke down and it was beyond my grasp. Something took over and halted my progress. Only later i discovered the system gave me an overhaul.

Overhaul?

Yes. It gave me rest. Much needed rest. It erased many unimportant data within me and kept only what was needed.

I really don't understand what you're saying.

I'm just saying that when things go beyond our control, our internal system will take over and give us a pause, a rest. I was lucky i identified it and became better.

But i remember you falling back again few months ago. What happened?

Ahh, that! I actually made a mistake. While recovering, I held on to some energies. I thought that was the power, the Sakthi, that's saving me. I gripped tight and tried to save myself. When my outstretched hand was not held and was ignored i became confused. This energy is supposed to grab me, pull me up and save me. Why is it not salvaging me? Why am i being ignored?

You're speaking in riddles again.

Let me put it this way. I became dependent on a friend. To help me. To be my mentor. To save me from all my pains. In the beginning it was great. But as time passed my mentor became distant. I felt i was neglected and badly treated.

I see. You felt let down.

In a way i was let down. Promises were not kept. The friend was a little cruel by ignoring me. So i fell into the hole again.

And you were angry? That smile again.. Why are you smiling?

I wasn't angry. I made new discoveries. I discovered one day, suddenly, I'm relieved that i was ignored. I was glad that i was made to break free. It was a tiring, unfulfilling painful bond. When i suddenly discovered I'm free, I was happier than ever. Thank God, that's over! That was my thought.

How did it happen?

I got diverted. With a new energy. Only this energy isn't too powerful. It's very calm and kind. It consoled me and it saved me.

Ohh! I hope you don't get too involved again.

Definitely not. When you're not looking for anything, you have nothing to find and nothing to lose. We just pass our time with whatever activities we have. We divert ourselves with different things and suddenly we will make discoveries. Discoveries that we made it.

You don't miss your old friend?

No. Not at all. I keep reminding myself with certain souvenirs i have that i should never repeat this error again. Not to ever dirty my feet. Come to think of it, it had been the most miserable thing to happen. The worst way to be treated. I don't want to be treated that way at all ever again. I felt disrespected. It's not a loss for me. It's a blessing.

The lesson here?

Never cling on to anything. Be free. Freedom is happiness.

This new energy?

Is here for now. I'd never crush it in any way. I'd help it grow in every direction. I'd respect it and give it love.  See where it goes.

Well. Nice meeting you. Keep in touch.

Sure, will do.

Kidney stones

The temperature now rockets up to 36 ° at times. The heat is overpowering.

Report says El Nino, La Nina. Astrology says Mars residing with Saturn. Whatever names are called heat is heat and it has its damaging effects on humans body.

It dries you up. This is the time people in their efforts to quench thirst drink variety of drinks.

For those sweet tooth ones, beware, many hazards can follow. El Nino or La Nina will pass leaving behind diabetes and another silent bomb called the kidney stones.

When body gets dehydrated you must feed it clear water. That's what makes the body cool and wets all the internal organs.

Water is essential. The theory of 8 glasses of water no longer stands. We need at least 10-12 glasses. Not sugar cane juice, not soda, not coke but water.

Before you know what hit you, you get symptoms like severe back pain. Discoloration in urine, which later shows blood when tested and lots of other discomfort including fever.

Prevention is always better than cure.

To revive your organs especially the kidneys you should drink lots of plain water. Or fruit juice. Not all kinds of fruit juice. Not the sweet, exciting flavors.

Green apples.

That's the best friend for kidneys.

Red apples has its wonderful functions but that's not for kidneys.

Add celery, parsley, coriander leaves with green apples. Blend and drink.

Banana stem and radish are other curative vegetables to save kidneys.

Once you're diagnosed with kidney stones there is a long procedure which you need to follow.

Doctors' advise, homeopathic solutions, ayurveda, such as Himalaya cystone, plenty of luck and last but not least prayers.

Drinking lots of water after the stone forms is totally not useful.

Maintaining wet kidneys and other organs save lots of trouble and pain.

I went through this. But i was very lucky, I broke it all without laser or surgery.

Now is the time kidney stones will get you so watch your water intake. Live a healthy lifestyle.

Losses

I am not very happy.

Why? What has happened?

I think i have lost an important person?

Hmm..

And i think i have also hurt her in some ways.

I see. What did you do?

She was getting too attached to me. I didn't like that. I felt it was not too good. So i started ignoring her.

Was there any reason she was getting too close? Did you make any promises?

Yes. I did. You know it's quite common to say things in the beginning? Sweet promises which seem most right. But later..

What kind of promises?

I gave her my word that i will be there in times of pain, I'd take care of her forever and ever.

And..

I acquired other friends. Better, richer friends, with high contact. Who could do things for me. She was just a nice person. Nothing more to it. There was nothing that i was getting from her except kindness and love.

Did you tell her that these are the reasons?

Oh! No! I just ignored her and hoped she'd go away. Finally she did and i feel a little pain in my heart. That i have done her some wrong. In some ways i miss her presence, her kindness.

I'd say the best way to have handled this would have been with honesty. But you chose to play a hide and seek game. You should have told her your point of views and have a clean healthy break. No one can rectify this but you.

There's nothing i can do now. I think she's gone. It gives me a bad feeling. Like I've lost something good. She helped me in many ways. Made me better when i was hurt. Picked me up when times were bad.

Unfortunately for you i guess you decided to select friends from the materialistic point of view. Do you realize that you will age? There will be hurts and pains. You might need people who love you for real to care for you? No one stays young and strong forever. When these weaknesses set in, I guess you're going to regret your loss more.

I'm already feeling blue. It's a loss for me no matter how i look at it.

Hmmm. Materialistic issues, values aren't the most important. Good people are. But you've made your choice. Haven't you?

Yes, in a way, I have.

Then let's look at it from a more positive point of view. Perhaps your choices will not let you down. Maybe you will be on top of the world. So just carry on with life.

Yes i am a very fast forward person. I am moving ahead. Yet, there's this big feeling of guilt. She wouldn't have come my way if i had not lured her. And now she's hurt.

Well, then go make things better.

I don't think she's going to accept any peace offering from me. I have this feeling that she has disowned me from her system. I have lost her for good. She was my lady luck. A lucky charm. I know it now.

I can't do much here except hope and wish things become better for you. And hope all your new friends are good enough to make your life perfect.

Thank you for your time.

You're welcome.

Books and trees

Dear Ms ezhilvela67,
I've been reading most of your writing in your blog. I am from Romania. I find your writing simple and interesting.

Of course, I don't understand some texts as it is very different from my country.

Still i found most of it refreshing and compassionate.

I was wondering if you would be interested to publish any of your work?

Please reply. Thank you.

Regards
Morrison


Dear Sir,

I thank you for your words of appreciation.  I am not very interested in producing books.

Writing is a way of tiring my active mind. A mental vomit, I call it.

I am happier writing online as I'm not very keen to print books. Papers are getting scarce now and i prefer to keep papers in its original home, the trees.

Ebooks are fine for me. I've stopped buying books to support this recent attachment to nature.

What books i have, I reuse, reduce and refuse.

However, I promise i will contact you if i ever change my mind in future.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Ezhil

From a small girl to a BIG man

I send you a wish to fly high above the rest
From where you were
To where you are
Inhale the scent of glory
Float in victory
Only pause to remember
Not to step on me!

I let you to soar up into the clouds
From where you were
To where you are
Keep the reigns of honor
Stand in jubilance
Only stop to realise
Not to step on me!

I pray you to keep your glide up the peak
From where you were
To where you are
Hail the shine of prestige
Stand mighty as a King
Only halt to discover
Not to step on me!

As cool as the Alps winds
The mind might think
Alas the heart has its pains
The eye not wink
With the knowledge of truth
A hurt meant to hurt is a hurt
No matter what word is put
Step on me you did!

Magical hands

You have magical hands. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Why are you smiling?

I just remembered this other pair of hands. It's very similar to mine. Those hands are magical too. In their own ways.

How is it so?

He creates magic with words. That's all i can say!

Oh! Anyway, thank you for relieving my pain. I was suffering.

No worries. I'm just helping you as a friend. I don't do this for everyone.

I see. It was at the tip of my tongue to ask if you could help some others.

You see, it's quite a simple thing. I don't quite have the time. I'm very packed with my work. I believe when i run into you and you highlight your problems i should help you in some ways. I will not put up a banner and continue this as a business.

Not everyone can heal people.

There are enough doctors in town. Trained masseuse. People can go there. My duty is to mould children. Not children of the world but those around me. I believe my children will be good examples and continue helping more people.

But often you look lost and forlorn.

I am lost. I've lost plenty in life but life goes on. I have lots of love and compassion to give everyone around me.

You don't want to fall in love!

Falling in love is just that, it's a fall. One will get hurt. Getting hurt is not in my agenda. I like to change peoples lives. Make them happy. Solve materialistic issues. Create independent single mothers.

I can see that. There's quite an uproar from some who dislike your ways. The widows from their households driving cabs and working in saloons. There are some old people who seem quite angry with you. You're smiling again!

I'm just smiling at our oldies' ignorance and selfishness. For now I'm ignoring them. Unless someone comes yelling to my doorstep, I'm not going to do much about it.

Are you contented with all you do? Don't you get tired, depressed, wanting to give up?

Of course it happens. For fifteen years i lived doing nothing. Almost like a vegetable. Did my duties. Then i realized there are people who are down and need help. I have the capacity to change children's lives by changing the adults around them. There are some people who give me the needed energy. There is one or two persons' energy which i absorb. There's one person whom i talk to. He seems to motivate me a lot. If he can do it, I can too. And then, there's the good God. He doesn't ever let me down. You understand what I'm saying?

Yes. So, how do i become better in life?

Its mainly our lifestyle. Look into it. Read about healthy living. Apply it. That's all there is to it.

Healthy living?

Eat balanced food, sleep well, drink lots of water, rest, most importantly, exercise. That's our folks' biggest weakness. They feel they work hard enough so they don't need to do more exercise.

Exactly my perception. Isn't that so? Furthermore, I don't have the time.

Work tires you. It doesn't pump your heart. You need cardio awakening activity. Please find time. One should also have recreational activities. Choose an old passion. Join a group. Dance or sing or play an instrument.

At this age?

Yes, why not? Nobody is asking you to become a professional maestro or anything.  You know in my Latin class there are many older men and women. And I'm the only Indian. The rest are all Chinese.

Hmmm. I'd make some changes. Thanks for the massage and the advise. I feel physically and mentally revived.

You're welcome. Start living life. Have a wonderful day. And all the best. 

Pot of Gold

This is a pot of gold. Nochi, modakkattaan, tulsi, neem, koyya, kuppaimeni, lemon leaves, tulsi, tunnuttipatchai, aaduthoda, turmeric and coarse salt.

All these put together and boiled or blended. 

One should just rub the blended paste, sit for twenty minutes and then take a refreshing shower. 

It balances body heat. It even makes one feel happier. 

Nature has many secrets, wonders. 

This is just one little part of it.

Retaliation

What do you do when someone hurts you?

I am no longer associating myself with possible hurtful people.

Say, if there is someone who hurt you, what would you do?

I don't do anything. I've never done anything so far. I'm quiet. I try to digest the pain and change it into energy.

You don't get angry?

Hmmm. No.

You don't feel you want to hurt them back? At least talk bad about them, call them names?

No, whenever i try to think of an argument, I get this funny feeling in the chest. Perhaps it's in the heart. I'm not sure. That feeling is not a happy feeling.

What do you mean by that? I cannot understand what you're saying.

Well, I've been working very hard to hold the happy feeling in myself. I worked to throw away fear, anger and hatred. That hàppy feeling is light and merry.

OK..

Imagine you're dancing. With your best partner, like swans. Can you feel that?

Yes, it will be awesome.

Imagine someone pushed you down and you don't know who did that. When you get up, embarrassed and in pain, you're standing alone. What would you feel?

Wretched.

If at that wretched point you try to capture the dancing feeling, how will it be?

I guess the bad feeling will disappear.

Bingo!  That's what I'm doing. It works wonders. I try to instil this into my children. It's slowly working. Students around me don't fight. They don't hurt each other. Neither verbally nor physically. We live in a happy school. My home is their favorite happy school.

Hmmm. Don't you meet those people who hurt you before?

I do. Sometimes. I try to stay away from people who're hurtful and impatient. Those who miss my presence do make attempts to reconcile. I don't turn my back but i don't get entangled either. I don't want the pain to repeat itself.

Good concept. How do i practice this?

Whenever you do something and the bad feeling creeps into your heart stop that activity. Modify it to doing things that give you merry feelings. Same goes with people. Mingle with those whom you feel comfortable with. Stay away from discomfort. Don't stick to people who are harsh to you.

I guess this is worth practicing.

It is. You have to become the example. Don't be harsh. Discard impatience. Think happy. Life will slowly change. Most importantly...

Yes?

Believe that God observes all the good you do and He will send only what is good your way. The bad will evaporate far away from you.

Amen.

Chef

I don't like to study miss.

Yes. I can see that. In fact many of my students tell me the same thing.

My situation is different. I'm having tonnes if problems.

Hmmm. Maybe you do have problems but so are others. Anyway, tell me what kind of problems you are facing.

I cannot study. I feel I'm not interested in studying. I want to just go to college. Just become a chef.

You cannot just go to college aiyah. You need Spm for that. It's your ticket to college. Being a chef involves alot of work. There's papers to complete and skills to learn. Fruit carving is a unique part in studying to be a chef. Everything needs efforts.

I know that. I guess i need to focus. It's difficult. I keep thinking of my life. It has been difficult. You know my father died when i was 13? He had some complications. Health problems.

Yes i know.

Since then we have been homeless, penniless and life filled with sadness. My other relatives are helping us now. Otherwise it will be worse.

I understand. But it's not the end of the world. You see this little girl? She's six years old. Her father died early this year. She's here full time because her life changed 360 degrees after her dad passed away.

I was wondering why she's crying often.

She's insecure. She misses home. Once she's learned some basic learning habits and day to day discipline, she'd go back. Her mom comes too, for counseling. She learns how to manage the kids. Learning to balance the kids' time usefully and not just with TV and junk food.

Ohh!

You know Mithushan?

Yea that handsome smiling boy. He has a perfect life. I envy him.

Oh, he doesn't really. He's a refugee. He doesn't have many things. He's working hard because he knows education is the only ticket out of poverty. He lives a very simple life. He teaches little kids here for some pocket money.

I didn't know that. I feel so silly.

You see, although your life isn't normal compared to your other friends but remember it's better than some others.

Yes. I realize that. I'm going to focus and do my best. Thank you miss.

Pleasure is mine. Please remember you're always welcome to come here anytime.

Thanks again miss.

Ignorance

I'm afraid to go for this meeting. Can you come with me?

What meeting is that?

My son got into trouble in school. The headmaster wants to see me.

What kind of trouble?

I'm not sure. He didn't say.

Did you ask your son?

He doesn't talk to me. He's silent all the time.

When is this meeting?

In a while.

Why are you afraid to see this man? The headmaster? Has he been rude to you in any way?

Oh, no! I've never seen him. I've not gone out anywhere for the past six months, since that day...

Since your husband died?

Yes. My family restricts me from going out. There are things I'm not allowed to do as a widow.

You know i really feel annoyed with your ignorance. Why do you have restrictions because you're a widow? You're not a criminal who had committed a murder or something. Who's restricting you?

All my family members. They say widows are looked down by the community. We're a symbol of bad luck.

I see. Do you know why your husband died? Did you hurt him in anyway? Did you poison him or something?

No. He wasn't well. He had a heart attack. He was jobless. He didn't have any exercise. The doctor said there was too much fat in his heart. His heart stopped.

In what way are you responsible for his death? Isn't it his fault that he didn't take care of his health?

Many say that if i had been lucky he wouldn't have died. A husband's long life is in the hands of the wife.

How can you say that? You are a living human being. You should live your life. Don't you have any likes, dislikes?

I have always done what made my husband happy. I just listened to him. I obeyed his every instruction.

And now?

Now I'm obeying what my father and brothers are saying.

Were you always living with your parents?

No, I lived with my husband in a condominium. After he died my father told me to pack my bags and go live with him.

What happened to your condo?

It's there. No one's there now.

Why can't you stay there? On your own?

What would i do? I don't have a job. I don't drive. I don't know much about the outside world. It's a little scary.

I'm a little lost for words. Please tell me honestly. Do you have anything that you like to do?

I like to watch movies.

Do you watch it anytime?

Yes. When the TV is on. When everyone is watching.

You don't go to the theatre?

Oh, no! I'm not allowed. It's just been six months since he died. I can only go out after a year.

Sigh! This is the year 2016. You sound like you live in the 50's. Will you listen to me?

I can listen to you. I like the way you helped my children in the temple. They listened to you. That's why i came to ask for your help.

Firstly let me talk to your parents. They cannot tie you down like this. What will happen to you after them? How will you survive alone?

I never thought of it... It's scary.

Your parents are old. You have three children. You already are facing problems with your children. You must sort out your life.

What should i do? Please tell me what i can do.

It's not going to be easy. Everything takes efforts. You understand?

Yes.

There is a long list of things to be done. If you follow what I'm saying you can make important changes. Slowly you can start living independently.

Okay. I will try to follow what you say.

Now let's go sort out your son's problem. I will follow you but you are going to talk to the headmaster okay?

Okay.

Comparison

Sitting in hospitals can be very trying at times.

There are choices of course. There is the private hospitals you can go to.

You can flash the medical card there and get things done quickly.

The challenge is sitting in the government hospital and waiting in line. Watching all those people waiting. Patients waiting in patience, patiently.

I like to sit with them. I compare what i have. What many don't have. It makes me feel that I'm blessed with many great blessings.

It also brought back memories from the past. Waiting before this. A few years ago. How disoriented i was then.

I used to sit in a good corner with a wall and fall asleep.

My number would bypass me. Prof would come out of his room and get me himself.

I remember his words, "somehow i knew you must be out here".

I don't remember trying very hard to recover. It just happened. People came and did their part.

It was an awesome support system created by nature, God, fate. It can be anything. I have no distinct clue.

Good people, created by the mystique enigmatic system, who had come to my rescue time and again.

It was just a matter of time i realized life is simple. You stay away from people who have the potential to harm you.

Stay close with those who can engulf and save you.

So life becomes better.

Knowledge silently whispers that peace comes when you put a stop to everything and become quiet.

I wonder how it would be to not meet anyone. To not do anything. To be at a standstill. In solitude.

I can imagine myself so. I can even distinguish where that place will be.

The fact that i have all these thoughts might actually be a sign I'm walking towards it in a slow pace.

Quey Sera Sera!

Possibilities

How is the recovery process going on?

What can i say? It has to be good right? Considering you checking on me now and then.

How do you feel?

I feel wretched! Not being able to run around. Lying down often. Feeling inferior while you peer down on me. It makes you look superior.

Well, I'm your doctor mind you. Yet i see you're still not perfectly still. You're solving problems. Whose problems are those?

There are single mothers who have issues. Day to day troubles. Their kids don't understand their mothers' language. They listen to me. So i step in. They visit me and i counsel them. It gives the mind something to do.

You need rest you know?

I'm resting. Your medicines are working. No more pain. Currently I'm just getting accustomed to the after effects of the medication. I am becoming stronger. I believe I'm going to be stronger than before.

Yes. That seems to be your trend. You fall. Then you get up two steps higher. I remember sending you to the urologist, then to the psychiatric department, then to the orthopedics, again to the psychiatrist, then to the heart institute and now finally...

Finally, you got me under your wing! I can smell your smugness. Please don't condemn my complementary treatments as lame. I got impatient. I needed fast recovery. It would have eventually worked. It takes time.

I know. I'm not condemning you in anyway. When have i ever done that? Just because you've met some abnormal people in life don't include me in similar category.

You know what they say, once bitten twice shy!  Now, I'm very cautious.

While you're cautious, I have an offer to make. Would you consider me taking care of you?

You are taking care of me, for the past 20 odd years.

I'm talking about a regular basis. You know I'm on my own. My kids have all grown. We could make this work. An awesome partnership.

Please, can i laugh a bit? You know I've been married, twice. And i don't find it plausible from any angle.

Why? You feel I'm intolerable in any way?

No! You're fine. When i see you like this. In a limited basis. I really cannot imagine tolerating someone in a long term. Sharing things, space, things..

By things you mean intimacies?

Yes, I didn't choose to live like a monk. Nature sent it my way. Now that I've tasted life alone I'm not going to destroy it in any way. I prefer to remain your friend. There's no point in jumping into the big hole of commitment and then parting as enemies.

You break my heart.

If it makes matters better, let me tell you that you're the only man in my life. I'd like to keep it that way, always. Within an arms length. So that our relationship remains tact and trouble free.

I get your point, but if you ever change your mind, my offer is open forever.

I'd just smile for now. Thanks for such a gesture. I am touched.

I'd buy that as a truce.

Peace.

Tirani

Apabila saya memegang buku berjudul 'Tirani' ini buat pertama kali, saya berasa agak berbelah bagi. Siapakah Tirani ini?

Aktiviti prabaca tidak mendedahkan siapa Tirani apabila saya meredah sinopsis ringkas di kulit belakang novel tersebut.

Saya pun mula membaca. Pelbagai nama terlintas. Ceritanya bergerak lancar. Tirani tidak muncul muncul lagi.

Begitu asyik saya mencari si Tirani, saya lupa menghadamkan intipati plot dalam novel terpilih SPM ini.

Dalam kekeliruan saya berhenti membaca. Saya meletakkan buku itu jauh-jauh.

Selepas beberapa hari, saya mengambilnya balik. Saya mula membaca tanpa prejudis.

Hampir dua per tiga cerita sudah dibaca barulah saya dipukul ombak kesedaran.

Aduhai, sebenarnya Tirani ini bukannya nama orang! Tirani datang daripada perkataan Bahasa Inggeris, 'Tyranny'.

Masakan saya begitu daif?

Saya bersoal jawab dengan beberapa anak murid saya. Mereka sebenarnya tidak tahu asal usul nama novel ini bahkan mereka langsung tidak tahu erti perkataan 'Tyranny' dalam Bahasa Inggeris.

Saya terfikir berapa ramai anak-anak kita keliru dan tidak perasan kaitan nama dengan cerita di dalam novel yang serba menarik ini.

Kemungkinan guru yang mengajar sastera tahu tentang perkara ini tetapi ramai guru yang mengajar subjek Bahasa Malaysia umpama bidan terjun. Mereka bukan guru opsyen malah terpaksa mengajar semua komponen dalam bahasa termasuk Komsas kerana kekurangan guru.

Masa yang diperuntukkan untuk Komsas pula agak terhad.

Dalam era sekarang di mana penggunaan telefon pintar dan gajet kian berleluasa, bilangan pelajar yang meluangkan masa membaca dan menganalisa keseluruhan novel ini sangatlah kecil.

Untunglah bagi pelajar di bandar yang mampu menghadiri kelas bimbingan.

Kumpulan pelajar di kampung yang banyak masa untuk membaca juga bernasib baik dapat membaca dan menghayati novel ini.

Saya cukup bimbang memikirkan nasib golongan yang kurang. Kurang minat, kurang kemampuan, kurang inisiatif.

Bagaimana agaknya kualiti Komsas nanti? 

Chances.

Are you by any chance trying to kill yourself?

Oh! No! I'm not!

Then why are you so stubborn? Don't you know that there is a chapter called rest in everyone's life?

Yea. I know. I do rest.

How many hours do you rest in a day?

Hmmm... I'm not really sure.

Okay. Let me rephrase it. How many hours do you work?

18 hours. Give or take. I do have some recreational activities. Three times a week. And when I'm extraordinarily tired, I park at the side and rest for a while.

So you sleep for 6 hours.

Yup. Approximately.

Deep, undisturbed sleep?

No! Never i guess. I can't remember undisturbed sleep. It's always disturbed. Bad dreams, nightmares..

They're both the same.

Oh, no! Bad dreams make you sad. Nightmares make you scared. Two different things.

So, you don't realize that you're overworking yourself.

There's no overwork in my line of duty. There are no pauses. Children grow every second. They need moulding. Guiding. Like someone said, " children are the world's greatest resource". I'm good with my work.

 How bad is your pain?

It's there. Every time i inhale gently it's not so evident. When i pull in deep just to test whether it's there, it's there. No doubt about it. You know i don't lie. I wish i could bluff you.

And i wish i could knock some sense into you.

Please do. Just because you've known me almost a lifetime, it doesn't mean you can be rude and obnoxious to me. If i had studied harder, if i had been given proper guidance I'd be a doctor too!

If you had a different doctor you would have been kicked out from the hospital.

So what's stopping you from doing that?

Perhaps compassion. I've not forgotten your kindness, your help. A friend in need..

Hmmm. Cool. I'm glad you're as helpful as you are. I'm afraid sometimes. Afraid of the why's and what's.

But if you don't really act accordingly you're going to get into trouble. Your medication?

Hmmm... I read the contraindications. It's no good for the kidneys. You know you guys want to repair one organ and kill another? I'm sorry but i feel that's the truth. Let's look at it this way, k.
If i leave it to nature and apply a healthy lifestyle, i live another five to ten years. With your medication i might live for 15 years and the final five years will be filled with aahhs and oohhs of discovering what these medication did to me. Lamenting that, my liver is sick because of this drug and my kidney is unhappy because i ate this pill. No thanks bro!

Hey! How many times i told you never to call me that?

Yes.. Doctor B. I'm very sorry. Look don't panic like I'm going down too soon. I'm going to live my life my way. Just don't forget about my request. Anything goes awry please remember to open that envelope i gave you and forward that mail to that particular address.

Yeah sure. And again I'm telling you I'm quite clear with your plea. You don't have to keep saying it this many times. It annoys me.

Hmmm. I'm not really buying your jealous outburst. I know you're more anxious and a little agitated with my stubbornness. I'm happy as i am. Please leave it.

Okay. Okay. Will you send me a mail too?

Ha! Ha! You're funny. I'd tell you what i need to say. To your face. In fact I've already said a lot.  You're here. He's not. He's far far away.

Your mystery man.

My mystery man. And that's all there is to it. Stop giving me that look. I should make another confession.

Which is?

I didn't go for the MRI.

What? Why?

Why should i? If there is something wrong with my nerves or ligaments or tendons, what can you do to them? I'm not going to let anymore needles into my system.  I'm done. Please.

I can't believe you at times. Lost for words.

Well, I'm really sorry i don't dance to your tunes.  Go do some work like a surgeon should. Bye.

Bye. You take care. Anything call me.

Sure. Sure. Cheerio.

Soldiers

Hey, why are you crying?

எனக்கு இங்கே இருக்க பிடிக்கல டீச்சர்!

Why? Don't you like it here?

நோ.., எனக்கு பிடிக்கல.

Why?

உங்களுக்கு தெரியுமா? நான், என் அம்மா, அண்ணன், தம்பி எல்லாம் சேர்ந்து அரண்மனை 2, 3 சேர்ந்து, சந்தோஷமா உட்கார்ந்து பார்ப்போம்?

Aranmanai 3? I didn't know it was out. But you need to study. You need to become a clever girl. I will teach you.

நோ.. எனக்கு படிக்க பிடிக்கல. எனக்கு இங்கிலீஷ் பிடிக்கல. நீங்கள் ஏன் என்னிடம் அதையே பேசுரீங்க. எனக்கு அது பிடிக்கவே பிடிக்கல.

Well. You need to learn English. Its important. You need to read books. You must go to school. I will help you.

ப்ளீஸ் டீச்சர் என்னை விட்டுடுங்க. நான் அங்கே போறேன். என் வீடு தான் எனக்கு பிடிக்கும்.

Ok. Tell me first what you do there? Why you like it so much?

என் வீட்டில் யாரும் எழுப்ப மாட்டாங்க. என் இஷ்டத்துக்கு தூங்குவேன். எழுந்ததும் எல்லாம் என் இஷ்டம் தான். யாரும் என்னை பல்லை சுத்தம் செய், குளி, இதை செய், அதை செய்னு தார்ச்சர் செய்ய மாட்டாங்கள். நிறைய டீவி பார்ப்பேன்.

And that makes you happy.

யெஸ். ஐ டொன் லைக் திஸ். தார்ச்சர். எனக்கு நீங்கள் நிறைய கஷ்டம் தரிங்க.

Hmmm. I can't do much about that my dear. You have to learn how to get up early. You must go to school soon. You need to learn ABC. Learn to read. Learn numbers. It's important for you.

எனக்கு வேண்டாம் டீச்சர். என்ன விட்டுடுங்க.

Do you know why you had to leave home?

ஐ நோ! என் அப்பா கீழே இருந்த எண்ணெயை கவனிக்காமல் வழுக்கி விழுந்து இறந்து விட்டார். அதனால நான், என் அண்ணன், தம்பி, அம்மா எல்லாம் இப்படி இருக்கிறோம்.

Hmmm. It is a sad thing that your father had died. He had a heart attack. Now it's difficult for your mom to manage all of you alone. That's why I'm looking after you.

ஓ... எனக்கு அது தெரியல.

Hmmm. Never mind. You are a little child. So you must be quite confused. I don't blame you. Did you like the dresses i bought for you?

யெஸ். தெங்க் யூ. அது நல்லா இருக்கு. ஷூக்கூட வெரி நைஸ்.

You like the kindergarten i brought you to?

ஹ்ம்ம்ம். அது நல்லாதான் இருந்தது. காலையில் எழுந்ததும் தூக்கம் தூக்கமா வந்தது. அங்க போனதும் தூக்கம் போச்சு.

You know Anand annaa? He didn't want to go to school too. Long before. Look at him now. He looks smart right?

ஆமாம். புளூ கலர் ஷெர்ட்.

Do you know why he's wearing a blue shirt? He started going to school and he became better. The school made him a prefect. That's why he's wearing the smart blue shirt. School can be fun too.

நானும் புளூ கலர் ஷெர்ட் போடலாமா?

Hmmm.. Why not? I will get you the blue shirt. Now come here. Let's learn some songs. Then write them down.

OK teacher. Can we dance too.

See, you're starting to speak English. Soon you're going to be a very smart girl.

Curry leaves

I'm just thinking aloud. Someone once suggested that i should become a therapist. He said I have all the credible needs to become one.

When i heard that i imagined to be a physical therapist. Involving sprain solving massages, hot cold compresses etc.

Now as i explore what I'm experimenting i think perhaps my therapies are not merely physical. I'm evolving.

Not into Cinderella. Into something quite deep. Herbal therapies. Mostly.

Very recently i drove to a nearby clinic frantically needing a nebulizer. I was panting away.

I left before i registered at the counter. One it was too crowded. I felt hot and uncomfortable to waste time there.

Another reason was I'm always bothered by the aftermath of the steroid based treatment. The shiver me timbers syndrome. This name is my personal creation.

Once home i treated myself. I became better. I'm not going to list what i did because asthma is quite tricky. And these are the kind of things that people can add the sentence,
 " please don't try this at home ".

I just took a chance, a risk with myself. And it involves a lot of natural things like salt, turmeric and Indian Borage.

Fortunately, it worked.

I wrote an article about turmeric not so long ago. I write many things. I have translated lots of other people's work. Often it's mental vomit. Some has been palatable to sight.

I don't send anything, anywhere to get them published. I am writing a novel. But when I'd complete it or whether I'd publish it and turn it into a book is something only time will tell.

Thanks to Uthaya Sangkar  SB, my article on turmeric was published. It was published in a renowned local magazine in Malay named Dewan Budaya.

Recently I've been working with curry leaves. When i am not too physically busy I'd gather all my information and turn this authentic leaf , its physical and non physical beauty into a useful article.

If someone reads this and decides to write about this marvel, please go ahead.

While I'm thinking about curry leaves, I'm wondering if someone has actually created hair oil based with curry leaves.

It must be a hit because people can have less gray hair.

You can have curry leaves based shower creams, shampoos and lotions.

I'm just thinking aloud. But sometimes things that i think aloud do materialize.