Sunday, 4 September 2016

Speculations

Hi

Hello

We saw you perform.

Which one is this? The temple at the waterfalls or the roadshow?

The temple show. Not the roadshow or the waterfalls. Guess we missed those.

Hmm. Yes. That was a small scaled one. For the new moon prayers.

Well, you sang well. Gave me goose bumps. The devotion is ecstatic.

Thank you. The girls are the better singers. Didn’t you hear them as well? They sang too.

Yes. They’re very good. I wonder why they’re not performing professionally. They can become stars.

I guess they’re waiting to settle down. There are goals to achieve. They don’t want to commit to anything now.

They are fabulous singers but i loved your songs. You’re more husky but you bring magic to the songs.

Thank you. I have injured my larynx. All the screaming in school while teaching. It’s the drums that make me perform. I drown in it and something happens. A semi trance kind of thing. Music does that. And of course, devotion. Aesthetic experience. Sometimes i do get this Susheela Raman feeling. ;)

I must mention the chemistry between you and the drummer. The way the two of you connect. That gives perfection to your songs.

Yes. It’s automatic. We just do it naturally.

You guys must be very close then. There are speculations about your relationship with your boys. I beg your pardon. It’s not my intention to bring this to your attention. Our conversation simply came to this. And i didn’t mean to pry into anyone’s life.

There’s nothing to be doubtful about. I’m aware of certain things for quite sometime. In fact for many years. I know of the backstabbing friends and relatives. I’ve absorbed these nonsense for almost 19 years. Since my widowhood.

I’m amazed you’re smiling. I was afraid you’d freak out, scream and ask me to get lost.

I’ve become distant from many things. Often I’m able to stand two steps away from trouble and evaluate issues. Anger is beyond me. Somewhere along my journey it died. There’s no fire in me. Just warmth. There’s love in abundance. And it’s uncontaminated by human perceptions and speculations.

Maybe we cannot condemn them for their assumptions. You are extremely close to them. They are obedient to you. They worship you.

How close can one be? How is your relationship with your child? That’s how close it is. A mother and child. Only i don’t have many dos and don’ts around them. I allow them to make mistakes.

Isn’t prevention better than cure? Shouldn’t you stop them from making mistakes?

If you do that, how will they know the difference between rights and wrongs?
Experiencing mistakes is the best lesson in life.

So you allow them to keep making mistakes? Wouldn’t that make them remorse free? They might imagine they can continue doing unlimited wrongs.

It’s not like that. Children around me are allowed to discover mistakes and then come unravel it with me. There’s no penalty for being careless. There’s no fines for anything. Whatever happens they are allowed to approach me and discuss it. They’re also forgiven.

Ahh! That does seem refreshing.

It is. They are comfortable with me because i don’t reprimand them unnecessarily. If i need to correct them i do it in a discussion mode. I counsel them. I don’t punish them. It’s all about diplomatic approach, with affection and love.

I see. How did you come across this?

I should relate two important incidents in my life. I often quote these two stories.

Yes, please do.

I had a student many years ago. He was a brilliant one. He was ten when i first saw him. He was extremely good in English. Later he became a good debater and an engineer. Victor.

Victor?

Yes. Victor. I knew him as Vicky. The best boy i have had the privilege to meet. I was very rigid then. I had many rules. He broke many. He taught me new things. On flexibility. On why children need not be punished. Children are the world’s best resource. Easily moulded. Cheapest resource with the best outcome.

Then...

The second incident. My late husband. I used to argue lots with him. I was sensitive. I would sulk for days. During one episode i was in a sulky mood for several days. I refused to bid him goodbye when he left to work on that particular day. He came back in a coffin.

Gosh! That must have been unbearable for you.

My regrets and remorse knew no end. But what has happened could not be turned around. Vicky was 14. He used to talk a lot about death. How it affects us and not actually those who leave. If someone dies it’s for a reason.

He was that wise at 14?

Too wise. He read the Ecclesiastic version to me. Jeremiah’s lamentations, excerpts from the Bible which had so many quotes on how God is love. True love doesn’t hurt.

Hmmm.

I didn’t really pay too much attention to it. I was filled with grief and an undetected post natal depression. I just played along to all his whims. Simply because i didn’t want to hurt him.

Such intelligence at that early age.

Later i discovered it was all for a reason. He was a great comfort. Whenever i wanted to cry, he’d give me his shoulder. He said a son is the greatest comfort to a mother and he discovered that because of me.

That’s very sweet of him.

He was the sweetest person I’ve ever had the privilege to meet. He had to move on to go to college. He would suddenly call me and tell me that this and that happened and check on how i was doing.

Hmmm..

Then he went to work. In 2007, I had to go to India for something. While there i received a call that Vicky had died in a car accident.

Ohh! I’m sorry about that.

After that i recalled all his preaching. Looked up the Ecclesiastic, the Bible, his notebook. For me he is the Betelgeuse Star. He will shine within me. I tried to implement what he wanted for kids.

Such a loss.

Yes it was. Even then, I heard some speculations on the level of my relationship with him. I ignored them. Grief overtook all other feelings.

We are surrounded by evil people, aren’t we. My grandmother would have said that worms should crawl out of these mouths.

Oh! God forbid! People’s ignorance are their burden to carry. We’re nobody to sentence them with anything. I believe even doing that is a sin. Do not do to others what you like not done to you. His words. Taken from the ten commandments.

I’m glad you’re clear on these matters. But it is not too smart to be too good. People would step on you. Take advantage.

I don’t have to be clear. I just need my heart to be light. I will not do anything which causes my heart to flutter in pain. Some have stepped on me. Took advantage. I absorbed it as lessons in life. I applied it as an experience. I too learn from my mistakes. I will also not associate myself with those who would hurt me in any way. I will slowly disentangle and move far away from those.

Hmmm. I’m glad i spoke to you. I was not influenced by anyone but it’s refreshing to know how you function. Keep up the good work. When i find problematic children, I will guide them to you.

They’re not problematic. They are children who face many challenges. Please do. I’m happy to help. Bye for now.

Bye.

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