Monday, 20 June 2016

Vows to live a better life

I am meeting my Prof today.I am filled with mixed feelings. It has been a clean seven months since I have been off my medication. For previous appointments I cannot really remember how I felt. I had been muddled and confused.

I remember though sitting dreadfully,waiting for my turn. I would watch people there.Looking at some very unwell people, I would think I am not that sick after all.

But the inability to get up and face daily life definitely indicated some sort of trouble. The attempts to end my life had been there too. So, I guess I did need some kind of professional help.

I do know that even at that time I figured out that the cause of my breakdowns is the many gimmicks of people. Currently, the world is filled with selfish people.Some step on you. Some unknowingly. Some purposefully. Even those who stepped on me accidentally and then discovered their folly did not bother to make amends. They just moved on because there were big things happening in their life.

I do remember the name callings though. Psycho! 'Manndai Ohdi'! 'Chau Toot' :- that's mad in Chinese.

One particular group even said that I am pretending in order to escape work.

Those who disappeared from my line of view have reappeared now. I remember them too. I do not shun  them. They do not know I remember their tactics. But i do. I keep very minimal  careful contact.

Standing, sitting, walking, working, dancing  sleeping or whatever i do, I just do it to my best.

I stop to smell the flowers not because i want to but because i should in order to live well.

At times i drag a disoriented old man to the hair saloon and give him a well deserved haircut.

Occasionally i bring an unorganized lady to the spa. I spend a few hours of time with her and teach her some lessons on basic hygiene.

These relationships are touch and go. So far I've not met those people again. In some ways i prefer this.

I find that j'adore to be my most favorite fragrant. I  can live with it forever but if i don't get that bottle of parfum, it gets discontinued or what i have breaks to evaporate into thin air, I'd accept it as its meant to be.

Its going to be the same with people, I hope. If someone disappears from my life i hope to accept it as its meant to happen. I should embrace those around me and do my best for them.

This is how i have concluded that life should be.

This doesn't mean I'm on cloud nine. I have my miseries. Knowing I'm not going to break down is what's keeping me going.

Knowing that i have the capacity to realize i should survive gives me the strength and belief i will make it.

Though i prefer living a reclusive life, for now my commitments require me to keep in touch with community.

Its actually a facade. I'm just waiting for time to break free. To flee this congested lifestyle.

To listen to silence as to what silence dictates to me.

I do realize that i have turned out to be a positive force. Those who are with me are there for a reason. Those who lost me are just passing clouds

My Prof is one of the most important person to pull me out of my self dug dungeon. I came out coated in self attached debris. I'm still in the midst of cleaning them up.

I know every mess that I might get into is my responsibility. It's up to me not to get into it in the first place.

That makes life simple.

God bless Prof and his staff for all their kindness.

Sitting here now, it's good to be able to look at things with a different perspective.

Great to be a visitor rather than a patient. 

No comments:

Post a Comment