Masters and me

 I received word that I've qualified to do my masters. 

When i started my degree, I was five months pregnant with my youngest daughter. I remember queueing up alone outside the university. 

I had backaches, I was nauseous yet i persevered through the registration and went back home. The first semester, was the start of a lesson. 

The horror of all horrors happened. My husband died. In a road accident. Initially, I was wondering how I'd manage first semester finals and delivery at the same time. After the tragedy, it didn't matter anymore.   

Four days later, I went through a Caesar's section and delivered my youngest daughter. Two weeks later was my finals.  

I juggled school, children and household issues. The  mind, i left alone. Let it juggle, let it frustrate, let it grumble. I didn't care. 

Looking back, I don't remember enjoying the university experience. I don't recall getting excited with assignments nor waiting anxiously for my results. 

Everything was a vague difficult ride. Depression hit me soon after. In the midst of recovering, I retired. Life has been just sailing past. Kids grew up and went their way. 

I got bored with routine. Out of the blue, I decided to further my studies. Naturally, everyone suggested, Masters in English or Literature. 

I decided on psychology. Then, it got narrowed to counseling. I applied and I'd be starting soon. What am i going to do with it? 

Firstly, I want to do it properly. I want to enjoy studying. I want to relish getting good marks. I want to be studious. I want to complete everything without a flaw. Then, I'd decide what's to become of me. :)

Disappointments

Have I been disappointed? Yes, I was disappointed when Jayan didn't come home. I was more shattered when he arrived in a coffin. 

I've always been disappointed that the kids never understood me. 

One of the biggest disappointments was when i was left behind for my daughter's MBBS graduation. After all the hard work, I never got to celebrate the big day. 

The most unfair situation which made me devastatingly disappointed was when they forgot to be grateful and kept hurtling harsh statements. 

I tried to understand and figured out ways to digest these disappointments. I might not have mastered it but I've decided to manage all the frustrations just like how I've managed everything so far. 

I think one day, I'd like to stand tall and prove silently that I'm awesome. I hope to read this again in the future and perhaps quote that I've succeeded. 

This is a record of who was who.