From My Point of View.

She had a perfect childhood. Why is she behaving the way she is now? How can a child raised with the best of the best be nothing but the best? 

I might say the same but ... 

You beg to differ? Didn't you feel that she's fast becoming a spoiled brat. Grandparents always spoil children!

Grandparents gave her the best. She had the best. However, I'd say she had the worst 9 months before she peeked the outside world. 

I don't understand. 

I didn't too but as i revisited my development stages in life, i revisited hers too. In fact i revisited all my children's levels of sufferings. 

Revisited. Can you really do that? 

Yes. Erikson's development theories explain what virtue a child should achieve at which stage. Looking at it reminded me of the self treatment i used to do for myself during my recuperation from depression. 

Self treatment as in? 

I have a friend. Maattaaji Shivapriya. She taught me how to meditate. Then to revisit the painful areas of my past. 

Interesting.

Not really. It was scary. It seemed so real the first time that i sleepwalked that particular night. 

Gosh! You sleepwalk? 

I used to when i was 12. Then it disappeared somewhere along the years, i cannot remember when. 

Then, what happened. 

I revisited the yesteryears a few times. Each time i did, i tried to look at the incidents as a witness and focused on feeling unaffected. 

Did it work? 

It did. Very well. They call it 'poornattuva'. The cleansing from the roots. 

Poornattuva. Sounds very vedic. 

It is. Probably from one of the Vedas. I haven't had the chance to explore that yet. 

How does it connects to the child? 

My revisiting, brought me to all my pregnancies. I had 12. Eight of them miscarried. The four pregnancies were full of fear of miscarriages. 

That must have been frightening. 

It was. I feared going to the bathroom for fear of witnessing blood on the floor. 

Hmmm. That affected your child?

Not only that. Although i had the best in laws who gave me the best care, i had no time to appreciate nor be grateful for them. 

Oh!

I led a miserable life. I felt neglected. I used to hit my head against the wall. I starved myself whenever i was angry. I cried buckets and buckets of tears. 

You feel that could have impacted your children? 

They each had a different infliction. I know they have the damages within. One different from another. 

Your youngest?

Girl. I think throughout my pregnancy, i carried a sense of unfulfillment. I was always angry with my husband. He was never there. 

Hmm. Men!

Everyone around me was applying for long distance studies. I did too. Although I was pregnant, I thought it could be a good diversion. 

Yes, I guess it would. 

Even the degree was a frustration. I didn't feel his support. He just minded his business. I felt alone. There could be 200 people around me but unless he's there, i felt alone. Which was almost always.

That must have been difficult. 

Erikson developed theories from afterbirth. I believe the development starts from the womb. 

That's possible. 

Degree progressed. I attended classes simply because i had to. Nothing was interesting. Everything was just a must. Sleep was disturbed. Mind always a turmoil. 

Poor you. 

Hmm. Now I think, poor the children. This youngest girl had a more traumatizing exit. 

Oh! How?

I was at the peak of irritation. If i had a gun i might have shot people. If i had a knife, ...

Hmm ...

Everyone was busy shopping, baking cookies, cleaning for Deepavali. I was 40 weeks pregnant. Angry all the time. 

(Silence)

I did what i could with my two older daughters. Most of the time, i was irritated with their demands. My back hurt. My feet swollen. 

Gosh!

It was four days before Deepavali. I was already tired of waiting up for him almost everyday. That day, he came back soaked. It was raining. Apparently, he fell from the bike. He was tipsy. 

(Silence)

I flew into a rage. I screamed and i cried. I stopped talking to him then. I carried a silent, cold war. Little did i imagine that things were going to take the drastic turn. 

Hmm. 

It was Deepavali eve. We expected him to be late. He was never on time. There was always an excuse. But that day, he never came. They brought him the next day in a coffin. 

I'm really sorry. 

Road accident. The next few days were the height of grief. I couldn't cry. Silent tears came and went. I was in a debate with God. 

Hmm.

Three days later, i went for a Caesar's section to deliver her. That three days were horrible, grey days for me. 

I can imagine. 

Now, turn the tables. Imagine the state of that foetus within? How would it have felt? All that damages are exploding now. 

How do you rectify it? 

Time will tell. I believe in the system. I believe in God. I believe i can create changes. 

Good luck to you. 

Thank you. :)

Masters and me

 I received word that I've qualified to do my masters. 

When i started my degree, I was five months pregnant with my youngest daughter. I remember queueing up alone outside the university. 

I had backaches, I was nauseous yet i persevered through the registration and went back home. The first semester, was the start of a lesson. 

The horror of all horrors happened. My husband died. In a road accident. Initially, I was wondering how I'd manage first semester finals and delivery at the same time. After the tragedy, it didn't matter anymore.   

Four days later, I went through a Caesar's section and delivered my youngest daughter. Two weeks later was my finals.  

I juggled school, children and household issues. The  mind, i left alone. Let it juggle, let it frustrate, let it grumble. I didn't care. 

Looking back, I don't remember enjoying the university experience. I don't recall getting excited with assignments nor waiting anxiously for my results. 

Everything was a vague difficult ride. Depression hit me soon after. In the midst of recovering, I retired. Life has been just sailing past. Kids grew up and went their way. 

I got bored with routine. Out of the blue, I decided to further my studies. Naturally, everyone suggested, Masters in English or Literature. 

I decided on psychology. Then, it got narrowed to counseling. I applied and I'd be starting soon. What am i going to do with it? 

Firstly, I want to do it properly. I want to enjoy studying. I want to relish getting good marks. I want to be studious. I want to complete everything without a flaw. Then, I'd decide what's to become of me. :)

Disappointments

Have I been disappointed? Yes, I was disappointed when Jayan didn't come home. I was more shattered when he arrived in a coffin. 

I've always been disappointed that the kids never understood me. 

One of the biggest disappointments was when i was left behind for my daughter's MBBS graduation. After all the hard work, I never got to celebrate the big day. 

The most unfair situation which made me devastatingly disappointed was when they forgot to be grateful and kept hurtling harsh statements. 

I tried to understand and figured out ways to digest these disappointments. I might not have mastered it but I've decided to manage all the frustrations just like how I've managed everything so far. 

I think one day, I'd like to stand tall and prove silently that I'm awesome. I hope to read this again in the future and perhaps quote that I've succeeded. 

This is a record of who was who.