Wednesday, 5 October 2016

Doppelganger

October used to be my favorite month. It was my birthday month. Often it was also the month of Deepavali and Navarathiri.

Later, this month became the most dreaded. Every year i hoped that it didn't come. I used to hesitate every time i wrote the date under the exercise books.

This year, I'm no longer teaching in a school. Only yesterday i realized that this month called October is here and nothing happened inside my heart.

That long, deep pain wasn't there. It had disappeared. Where did it go?

I tried looking back and i discovered that it went missing somewhere, sometime in Germany.

I have no idea why and how but some force has erased my pain. I'm not flying high in ecstasy. Nothing humongous has happened. But the pain is gone.

I tried looking for it. Tried imagining it but it had definitely gone away. I feel light, as light as a feather with no burden whatsoever.

I no longer analyze things unnecessarily but i replayed the Europe trip over and over again.

Me and Ruby struggled a lot in that new land. We were lost. We gave up a few times. Tears were very close often.

We met Darsha. She was most helpful. She cleared much doubts. Some foggy walls cleared. It was great physical support.

Yet mentally we lagged. Can this work out? Are we really in the right place? Did we make the wrong choice by coming here?

In Germany i discovered a new Ruby. In fact i think Ruby herself found her then.

And i found my doppelganger. Only he was a better me. Where i had messed, he had not. Where i stumbled, he stood sturdy.

Was it because of gender?

I have no idea but since then I've reorganized myself. I focus on whatever i do.

There are a few duties lined up in the next weeks. Everything is going well. I get to dress up in several costumes. A time for masquerade. To live in pretense.

For once I'm sleeping, blissfully. I can't remember when i last did.

Every day i get up, I say thank you and express gratitude to God. To nature. For the sunshine, the air that i breathe and the water and food I'm blessed with.

I was also reassessing my company. The people who surrounded me last year, this time. Why it was hellish?

What's the difference between then and now that I'm happier than before?

Before i had no choice of selecting my companions. Now i choose whom i mingle. My companions are non hurtful, lovely people.

I'm thankful for a wonderful family. My mom and dad. They're old. Dad is already showing signals that his time is nearing. When it happens, I pray God makes it easy for him.

Death is inevitable. I'm quite clear nobody lives forever. Even for myself, I'm as ready as i can be. For now, the rule is to live every single day to its best.

Every day, I say thank you too to those who made me fall. For without them i would not have tried to climb higher than before.

I say a bigger thank you to those who offered me their arms and shoulders to heave me up to where i am now.

For me you are equal to God. I ask God to give you all abundance in abundance. 

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