Two left feet

Why are you in tears?

I feel embarrassed. Useless actually.

Why do you need to feel useless? Everyone stumbles. I'm sure even Alexander does.

But he didn't, did he? I stepped on his feet, not once or twice. It kept happening until i just went limp. I didn't do anything except hang on to him. I was quite useless. I think he's never going to ask me to dance again. Ever!

Please stop crying. It's not the end of the world.

Moya krasivaya zhenshchina, why are you so frantic? Did i hurt your feelings in anyway?

Err.. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to spoil the dance. I couldn't remember anything. I couldn't focus at all. I feel like i have two left feet!

I feel that it's really very good that you're making mistakes. It shows that you're becoming aware of me, my presence disturbs you! Does my body excite you, moya lyubov'?

Please, stop talking in.. Spanish? It is quite annoying.

It's an endearing term in Russian. Moya lyubov', my love.

Keep your terms of endearment. I'm really not interested in your flatter. I'm never dancing with you again! Period!

I don't know why you are so rigid! Bad experience? I'm a good person. I am not carrying my own basket but there are many people waiting to get my attention!

It's not carrying your own basket, it's blowing your own trumpet! And I'm not one of those people..

Why are you so difficult to approach? What must i do to win your attention?

Why do you need to win my attention? I'm just a common person. I don't even dance well. What is your hidden agenda?

I have none! I'm sincere in my approach. I feel everyone has the right to approach whomever they like. It's a free country.

And then? What happens then? How long does this last? Six months, nine, a year, two years? Then what happens? It would become stale.  I'm watching most relationship crumbling into rubbles. People become bitter. They hate each other. Nothing lasts. I'd rather you treat me as a friend. We can be friends. I will not agree to anything more.

Are you sure about this,moya... My dear?

Yes I'm very sure.

If that's the case I'm obliged to accept your request. But i cannot promise that i will stop trying. Perhaps some day you will change your mind?

Or perhaps, you might change yours, sir. I must bid you good night. It's time for me to leave.

Sure, novio. See you next Wednesday.

Miracles and me.

I didn't really have big exposure to yoga. With a dynamic hip screw even The Sun Salutations is an impossibility.

Yet when i was having severe backache, several years ago, I dreamed of the 'Villaasanam', the bow aasana.

It was during the sashti fast. I was in a fast. I was only consuming water and some light liquid nourishment in order to complete my daily chores and duties.

The fast was for six days. The backache could be because of the lack of a balanced diet but i had no intention of quitting the fast.

It was the fourth night and i was twisting and turning in pain. As i drifted into pain disturbed sleep, an old man came to me. He wore a sandalwood tone dhoti.

He was not too old. He had a moustache and beard, long hair. He held a long stick. He was the one who manoeuvred the bow moves on me.

I woke up in the bow pose and the backache had actually disappeared. I've continued doing that particular bend whenever i have pain.

 I have had some chemical short circuits in my system. Due to this, I have abused myself physically. With sleeping pills, alcohol and anti depressants.  What caused the chemical short circuits? That's a totally different story.

Anyway, these did not solve my problems, they actually aggravated them. In fact one after another shoulder froze and made me immobile.

The pain has been crucifying. I'd feel I'm being electrocuted and then I'd collapse. It even came to a few episodes of fainting.

So, I figured, it, the bow asana, was the most amazing fête  for me to do, with those problematic shoulders. Yet i did.

 I can't remember when i started the fast but i do know i will continue it for as long as I'm able. And somewhere along the line even the shoulders got better. So much so i forget often that they actually had issues before.

Navarathiri has been going on for the past nine days. Yesterday was the 9th day. The renowned day for Saraswathy, the goddess of education. We have been vegetarians and have promptly attended prayers and sang the songs of worship.

I've been going through some extremely tough exercises for my Latin dance classes and I've been training my students for their karate grading which is around the corner.

Mentally, I'm totally drained as my 15 year olds were sitting for their government examination.

I have been hurting all over and my bones felt like it had needles in them. I force myself and complete one chore after another.

Yesterday, I winced for every step i took. Never did it strike me that i should take a Beecham or a Panadol or any other painkillers.

It was just an automatic tolerance of pain. Then last night it happened again. The old man reappeared in my semi sleep.

This time, he asked me to stretch my legs wide. My right hand held my right toes and my left hand the left.

My head was pressed to the ground and my chest plus stomach was flat on the floor too.

I don't know if this is an aasana. I will not get answers until i speak to my kalaari master but what i discovered this morning was my body was free of all pain.

Whether fictional, mythical or real, navarathiri did do something for me. Just like how sashti works every time.

Someone somewhere is looking out for me. Let Him be Aathiyogi, or the Lord my Shepherd or the forces of the universe, I bow to all of thee.

Alexander-the Great!

You are awfully quiet. You look like you're hiding from someone.

Yes. I saw Alexander. He's here today. He annoys me a bit too much. He says all the wrong things.

He isn't too bad. Don't you know, he comes everyday. They're training for the graduation on the 12th. For the ballroom performance. They're in the main studio right now doing a salsa in group. Gave me goosebumps seeing them perform.

Ohh! Aren't we having class today? If there isn't then I'd leave. I'm not comfortable around him.

Who? Alexander? Don't worry about him. He's friendly with everyone. Harmless. He's an international performer you know. A celebrity. We're lucky he chose our studio.

Hmmm. Ok. It's just that he's quite pushy. I feel threatened.

Come on. Let's practice. Please don't run away from our dance group because of him. I know you're having lots of fun here.

I've paid the full term fees. No chance to leave. I'd lose the deposits. Let's start our steps. It's still rhumba right? The Cuban dance.

Yup. It still is.

Hmm.. Hmm.. Can i interrupt you lovely ladies? We are going to have random dances today. I am still selecting my partner for the graduation. So, can i start with you, Miss Sable?

Sable? I'm not Sable!

Your skin tone is. I didn't get properly introduced to you to get your name the other day but someone did say your name has a Russian touch to it, with a 'Z'.

....

If stares could kill, I'd fall flat and die, right now. By the way, your eyes are extremely beautiful... Even when you close it.

You know something, you're really impossible!

No, I'm not. You're too rigid. Its not good for a dancer. There's nothing to be afraid of.

I'm not afraid....of you.

I'd love to continue this..chat but Henry is here and we need to dance..so, excuse me, moya lyubov'.

                              ***********
My God! I didn't know you could dance the way you did, today!

I didn't dance. I merely moved. To his prompts and nudges. Alexander is a magical dancer. I was like a puppet in strings. He was the puppeteer. But, I must admit, it was fabulous. I was in heaven. I knew exactly what heavenly meant. Most blissful moment of my life.

I'd say you're very lucky. No one got this opportunity.

Ha, ha! A rare strike of luck, I guess. Oh, oh! There he comes and I'm lost for words.

Just say thank you. I will leave you two to your tête a tête..

                   ****************
I wish you would wipe that smug look off your face.

Smug? I'm not feeling smug. I'm happy.

Happy?

Da! I made you realize that you can dance.

I can't dance. You danced. I moved to your manoeuvres. I can't remember anything except for that moment of bliss, drowning in music.

You danced. Period. Trust me. You're my perfect partner. And the contrast. Ebony versus ivory. Dark against fair. I tell you there will be magic!

Oh, no! I'm really sorry. You caught me unawares just now. I admit it was the best moment of my life. And i thank you. But that's about it. I'm not going to perform with you.

Up to you, krasivaya printsessa! I heard that's what your name means. But as far as I'm concerned, we're not over. I'm not done dancing with you.

....

And don't look so traumatized. I'm not as bad as you think. I'm the kindest person around. Uvidimsiya, letayushchiya potselui, flying kisses..

:(

Doppelganger

October used to be my favorite month. It was my birthday month. Often it was also the month of Deepavali and Navarathiri.

Later, this month became the most dreaded. Every year i hoped that it didn't come. I used to hesitate every time i wrote the date under the exercise books.

This year, I'm no longer teaching in a school. Only yesterday i realized that this month called October is here and nothing happened inside my heart.

That long, deep pain wasn't there. It had disappeared. Where did it go?

I tried looking back and i discovered that it went missing somewhere, sometime in Germany.

I have no idea why and how but some force has erased my pain. I'm not flying high in ecstasy. Nothing humongous has happened. But the pain is gone.

I tried looking for it. Tried imagining it but it had definitely gone away. I feel light, as light as a feather with no burden whatsoever.

I no longer analyze things unnecessarily but i replayed the Europe trip over and over again.

Me and Ruby struggled a lot in that new land. We were lost. We gave up a few times. Tears were very close often.

We met Darsha. She was most helpful. She cleared much doubts. Some foggy walls cleared. It was great physical support.

Yet mentally we lagged. Can this work out? Are we really in the right place? Did we make the wrong choice by coming here?

In Germany i discovered a new Ruby. In fact i think Ruby herself found her then.

And i found my doppelganger. Only he was a better me. Where i had messed, he had not. Where i stumbled, he stood sturdy.

Was it because of gender?

I have no idea but since then I've reorganized myself. I focus on whatever i do.

There are a few duties lined up in the next weeks. Everything is going well. I get to dress up in several costumes. A time for masquerade. To live in pretense.

For once I'm sleeping, blissfully. I can't remember when i last did.

Every day i get up, I say thank you and express gratitude to God. To nature. For the sunshine, the air that i breathe and the water and food I'm blessed with.

I was also reassessing my company. The people who surrounded me last year, this time. Why it was hellish?

What's the difference between then and now that I'm happier than before?

Before i had no choice of selecting my companions. Now i choose whom i mingle. My companions are non hurtful, lovely people.

I'm thankful for a wonderful family. My mom and dad. They're old. Dad is already showing signals that his time is nearing. When it happens, I pray God makes it easy for him.

Death is inevitable. I'm quite clear nobody lives forever. Even for myself, I'm as ready as i can be. For now, the rule is to live every single day to its best.

Every day, I say thank you too to those who made me fall. For without them i would not have tried to climb higher than before.

I say a bigger thank you to those who offered me their arms and shoulders to heave me up to where i am now.

For me you are equal to God. I ask God to give you all abundance in abundance.