Oh Jantung Hati 2009

En Sami menolak cermin matanya dari hujung hidung sambil meneliti kertas di hadapannya. Beliau menggaru dahi lalu berdeham dan mula bercakap. 

"Amma, ada sesuatu yang buruk mungkin berlaku kepada suami awak. Keadaan sekarang menunjukkan kemungkinan dia mendapat serangan jantung sebelum hujung tahun hadapan."

Saya mengangguk-angguk kepala menunjukkan tanda faham. 

"Apakah yang perlu saya lakukan, aiyah? Saya bertanya kepadanya. 

Sekiranya saya menyampaikan maklumat ini kepada suami pasti dia akan mentertawakan saya kerana dia tidak percaya akan tilikan nujum. 

Walau bagaimanapun saya sedar memang boleh berlaku sesuatu yang tidak diingini kerana suami saya seorang yang mengamalkan cara hidup hedonistik dan sedentari. 

Juga wujud tabiat negatif seperti merokok, minum arak dan makan nasi goreng kambing dengan kopi ais. Kombo yang pasti boleh mengancam kesihatan jantung. 

Kebetulan apabila saya pulang pada hari itu, suami sedang sakit kepala yang agak teruk. Cadangan saya agar pergi melawat doktor keluarga diterima. 

Doktor mendapati tekanan darah tinggi mencapai angka 200. Surat rujukan diberi untuk membuat pemeriksaan lebih lanjut di Institut Jantung Negara (IJN). (Atas cadangan saya melalui telefon sebelum suami sampai ke klinik.)

Selepas beberapa minggu, saya meneruskan aktiviti seharian yang agak sibuk. Pada masa itu, keempat-empat anak sedang belajar. Saya sendiri mengajar 13 subjek di sebuah sekolah di Ampang pada sesi petang. Hidup saya cukup sibuk dan saya sudah lupa akan surat rujukan ataupun lawatan ke hospital oleh suami. 

Di sekolah, kami tidak dibenarkan menggunakan telefon semasa pengajaran dan pembelajaran. Sedang saya mengajar Pendidikan Muzik di kelas 3B tiba-tiba kelihatan kerani di muka pintu. 

"Cikgu, ada panggilan dari IJN. Mereka perlu tandatangan cikgu untuk urusan pembedahan." Kata kerani kepada saya. 

Sayapun terus mengambil telefon lalu menelefon suami. Katanya, angiografi menunjukkan ada sekatan sebesar biji sawi dalam saluran darah utama dan perlu dilakukan endarterektomi untuk memasukkan tiub besi ke dalam saluran darah. 

Sebenarnya saiz sekatan sangat kecil dan doktor sendiri tertanya-tanya bagaimana suami telah bercadang untuk melakukan rawatan tanpa simptom sakit jantung. 

Tandatangan saya pula diperlukan kerana pihak IJN baru sedar bahawa sebagai suami kepada seorang kakitangan kerajaan dia layak mendapat rawatan percuma di IJN. 

 Selepas endarterektomi suami pulang ke rumah dan memulakan kehidupan baharu. Pertama kali dalam hidupnya dia bersenam dan cuba mempraktikkan gaya hidup. 

Walaupun ilmu nujum ataupun astrologi dianggap ilmu pseudosains dan bercanggah dengan kaedah  saintifik namun amaran yang diberi telah saya pergunakan secara berwaspada untuk mengambil jalan penyelesaian terbaik. 

From My Point of View.

She had a perfect childhood. Why is she behaving the way she is now? How can a child raised with the best of the best be nothing but the best? 

I might say the same but ... 

You beg to differ? Didn't you feel that she's fast becoming a spoiled brat. Grandparents always spoil children!

Grandparents gave her the best. She had the best. However, I'd say she had the worst 9 months before she peeked the outside world. 

I don't understand. 

I didn't too but as i revisited my development stages in life, i revisited hers too. In fact i revisited all my children's levels of sufferings. 

Revisited. Can you really do that? 

Yes. Erikson's development theories explain what virtue a child should achieve at which stage. Looking at it reminded me of the self treatment i used to do for myself during my recuperation from depression. 

Self treatment as in? 

I have a friend. Maattaaji Shivapriya. She taught me how to meditate. Then to revisit the painful areas of my past. 

Interesting.

Not really. It was scary. It seemed so real the first time that i sleepwalked that particular night. 

Gosh! You sleepwalk? 

I used to when i was 12. Then it disappeared somewhere along the years, i cannot remember when. 

Then, what happened. 

I revisited the yesteryears a few times. Each time i did, i tried to look at the incidents as a witness and focused on feeling unaffected. 

Did it work? 

It did. Very well. They call it 'poornattuva'. The cleansing from the roots. 

Poornattuva. Sounds very vedic. 

It is. Probably from one of the Vedas. I haven't had the chance to explore that yet. 

How does it connects to the child? 

My revisiting, brought me to all my pregnancies. I had 12. Eight of them miscarried. The four pregnancies were full of fear of miscarriages. 

That must have been frightening. 

It was. I feared going to the bathroom for fear of witnessing blood on the floor. 

Hmmm. That affected your child?

Not only that. Although i had the best in laws who gave me the best care, i had no time to appreciate nor be grateful for them. 

Oh!

I led a miserable life. I felt neglected. I used to hit my head against the wall. I starved myself whenever i was angry. I cried buckets and buckets of tears. 

You feel that could have impacted your children? 

They each had a different infliction. I know they have the damages within. One different from another. 

Your youngest?

Girl. I think throughout my pregnancy, i carried a sense of unfulfillment. I was always angry with my husband. He was never there. 

Hmm. Men!

Everyone around me was applying for long distance studies. I did too. Although I was pregnant, I thought it could be a good diversion. 

Yes, I guess it would. 

Even the degree was a frustration. I didn't feel his support. He just minded his business. I felt alone. There could be 200 people around me but unless he's there, i felt alone. Which was almost always.

That must have been difficult. 

Erikson developed theories from afterbirth. I believe the development starts from the womb. 

That's possible. 

Degree progressed. I attended classes simply because i had to. Nothing was interesting. Everything was just a must. Sleep was disturbed. Mind always a turmoil. 

Poor you. 

Hmm. Now I think, poor the children. This youngest girl had a more traumatizing exit. 

Oh! How?

I was at the peak of irritation. If i had a gun i might have shot people. If i had a knife, ...

Hmm ...

Everyone was busy shopping, baking cookies, cleaning for Deepavali. I was 40 weeks pregnant. Angry all the time. 

(Silence)

I did what i could with my two older daughters. Most of the time, i was irritated with their demands. My back hurt. My feet swollen. 

Gosh!

It was four days before Deepavali. I was already tired of waiting up for him almost everyday. That day, he came back soaked. It was raining. Apparently, he fell from the bike. He was tipsy. 

(Silence)

I flew into a rage. I screamed and i cried. I stopped talking to him then. I carried a silent, cold war. Little did i imagine that things were going to take the drastic turn. 

Hmm. 

It was Deepavali eve. We expected him to be late. He was never on time. There was always an excuse. But that day, he never came. They brought him the next day in a coffin. 

I'm really sorry. 

Road accident. The next few days were the height of grief. I couldn't cry. Silent tears came and went. I was in a debate with God. 

Hmm.

Three days later, i went for a Caesar's section to deliver her. That three days were horrible, grey days for me. 

I can imagine. 

Now, turn the tables. Imagine the state of that foetus within? How would it have felt? All that damages are exploding now. 

How do you rectify it? 

Time will tell. I believe in the system. I believe in God. I believe i can create changes. 

Good luck to you. 

Thank you. :)

Masters and me

 I received word that I've qualified to do my masters. 

When i started my degree, I was five months pregnant with my youngest daughter. I remember queueing up alone outside the university. 

I had backaches, I was nauseous yet i persevered through the registration and went back home. The first semester, was the start of a lesson. 

The horror of all horrors happened. My husband died. In a road accident. Initially, I was wondering how I'd manage first semester finals and delivery at the same time. After the tragedy, it didn't matter anymore.   

Four days later, I went through a Caesar's section and delivered my youngest daughter. Two weeks later was my finals.  

I juggled school, children and household issues. The  mind, i left alone. Let it juggle, let it frustrate, let it grumble. I didn't care. 

Looking back, I don't remember enjoying the university experience. I don't recall getting excited with assignments nor waiting anxiously for my results. 

Everything was a vague difficult ride. Depression hit me soon after. In the midst of recovering, I retired. Life has been just sailing past. Kids grew up and went their way. 

I got bored with routine. Out of the blue, I decided to further my studies. Naturally, everyone suggested, Masters in English or Literature. 

I decided on psychology. Then, it got narrowed to counseling. I applied and I'd be starting soon. What am i going to do with it? 

Firstly, I want to do it properly. I want to enjoy studying. I want to relish getting good marks. I want to be studious. I want to complete everything without a flaw. Then, I'd decide what's to become of me. :)

Disappointments

Have I been disappointed? Yes, I was disappointed when Jayan didn't come home. I was more shattered when he arrived in a coffin. 

I've always been disappointed that the kids never understood me. 

One of the biggest disappointments was when i was left behind for my daughter's MBBS graduation. After all the hard work, I never got to celebrate the big day. 

The most unfair situation which made me devastatingly disappointed was when they forgot to be grateful and kept hurtling harsh statements. 

I tried to understand and figured out ways to digest these disappointments. I might not have mastered it but I've decided to manage all the frustrations just like how I've managed everything so far. 

I think one day, I'd like to stand tall and prove silently that I'm awesome. I hope to read this again in the future and perhaps quote that I've succeeded. 

This is a record of who was who. 

A typical story

I was on cloud nine. Everything was perfect. The room temperature. My pillows soft and comforting. My quilt the ideal cocoon. Wrapping me in haven. From a distance, i heard that disturbing sound. The volume kept increasing until it was a big pain in the ears. I squeezed my eyes shut. Yet the annoying blare continued. It was the alarm. My thought was, why was it ringing? Breaking that magical spell. Abruptly,  alertness crept in. Gosh! It was the school's prize giving day and I was performing in the mini orchestra. Practice starts in exactly half an hour. I could already hear Mrs Mag repeating the holy mantra, practice makes perfect. Early birds catch the worm.

I jumped into the shower and got ready. Carrying my trumpet, I headed to the bus stop. 

Kenangan lama from 1/10/14

Fikiranku melayang ke beberapa bulan yang lalu. Apakah betul segala yang telah aku lalui? 

Aku berhenti berehat. Aku duduk di kerusi sandar. Berehat.

Rupi sibuk membuat sesuatu sambil menjenguk ke luar rumah. 

Dari tempatku bersandar, aku cuba membaca apa yang tertera di dalam suratkhabar. Fikiranku kurang tenteram. Sakit belakangku menjadi-jadi. Semakin hari berlalu, semakin aku hilang sabar untuk bersalin. 

Tiba-tiba terdengar bunyi deruman motosikal. 

Si Rupi dengan sepantas kilat berlari ke arah meja makan. Disambarnya cawan perak berisi air dan terus memecut ke arah pintu pagar. Dia tercungap-cungap menunggu ayahnya turun dari motorsikal. Dia menghulurkan air sambil tersipu-sipu senyum. Si ayah terus meneguk air dan terus mengangkat Si Rupi. Dia didakap dan dilontar serta ditangkap. Si Rupi begitu gembira dan ketawa dengan kuat. 

Aku duduk dan memandang kerenah mereka dengan terpegun. Pandangan Si Dia pada Rupi begitu penuh dengan kasih sayang. Lantaran, pandangan sebegitu memang jarang sekali diberkati ke arahku. 

Mereka melangkah masuk. 

Aku mencelah. " hai,tolong cuci kaki sebelum masuk! Datang dari luar, terus mengangkat anak, tak elok! 

Tak aku sedari, leteran aku itu suatu gangguan suasana indah yang telah terbina antara Si Rupi dan ayahnya. 

Dengan cepat dia hendak menurunkan Si Rupi tetapi sikecil mencengkam kolar t'shirt sambil menggeleng kepalanya. 

Merekapun bersama-sama keluar lalu mencuci kaki. 

Si ayah berbaring di ruang tamu. Rupi turut barbaring sambil memeluk ayahnya. Celotehnya tidak berhenti-henti. 

Cukup indah dipandang. Rindu ingin dibelai menusuk jiwa. Kemungkinan besar ibu mertuaku akan jatuh pengsan sekiranya perkara sebegitu berlaku. 

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Sakit belakangku mengejutkan aku kembali ke masa kini. 

Suasana sekeliling amat tidak menyenangkan. 

Bunyi tangisan mereka yang masuk silih berganti menjenguk jenazah mendiang tidak berhenti-henti. 

Bagi mereka itu sesuatu yang mesti. Tanggungjawab setiap pelawat yang perlu menangis sekuat hati untuk menunjukkan duka mereka amat menyakitkan hatiku. Tangisan kuat itu bagai menegaskan keadaan yang amat buruk yang menimpa diriku ini.

Hatiku meraung sekuat-kuat yang terdaya tetapi bunyi tangisan tidak melepasi bibirku. Apakah perkara sebegini harus berlaku padaku di saat dan ketika ini? Mustahil Tuhan yang Maha ESA, yang aku puja siang dan malam telah menghampakan aku sebegini!

Bilakah segala ini akan berakhir? 

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Peristiwa tiga hari sebelumnya juga menusuk fikiranku. Si Dia pulang dalam keadaan kurang stabil. Setiap langkah diambil diikuti dengan bunyi menahan sakit. Pakaiannya basah. 

Aku mendapati dia sukar melucutkan pakaiannya. Akupun pergi untuk membantunya. Aku mendapati tangan dan kakinya berdarah. Rupa-rupanya, dia jatuh dan cedera ringan. 

Kemarahan aku memuncak. Aku menolongnya dan terus bergerak masuk ke bilik tidur. Sungguh kurang bertanggungjawab. Bilakah dia ini akan berubah? Langsung tidak memikirkan diriku yang sarat mengandung. Kerapkali pulang dalam keadaan menjengkelkan ini.

 Aku memaksa diriku untuk tidur. Aku tidak menghindarkan dia langsung. Makan atau tidak aku tidak peduli. Kemarahan aku umpama api gunung berapi. 

Kemanakah kemarahan itu telah membawaku kini? Rasa kesal memenuhi diriku. Aku mual mengenang ego diriku. Sesal dahulu pendapatan... 

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Kenangan semalam menyerbu masuk ke mindaku. Si Dia bersedia untuk pergi ke kerja. Aku langsung tidak menghindarkannya.

 Keesokan harinya merupakan perayaan Diwali. Ego di dalam kepala umpama tempurung kelapa tua. Tidak ku ketahui pada ketika itu ego ini akan menjadi pengajaran paling besar bagi diriku. 

Si Ruby seperti biasa berdiri di pintu melambai-lambai sambil memberi pesanan kepada ayahnya supaya pulang awal. Masih terbayang pandangan terakhir Si dia yang melemparkan senyuman  ke arah Rupi. 

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Pada petang hari yang sama, kami menunggu di rumah. Menanti bunyi deruman motosikal. Masa semakin pantas bergerak. Sudah pukul 8 malam. 

Si Rupi memberi cadangan supaya kami pergi mencari Si Dia. Daripada membuang masa di rumah aku pun bersetuju. Dalam keadaan sarat, perut yang besar menyentuh stering kereta, akupun keluar bersama Rupi dan Uma. 

Kami meronda mencari di kebanyakan tempat dia berlepak. Tiada nampak bayangnya pun. Selepas penat mencari aku mencadangkan agar kami pulang sahaja. 

Si Rupi begitu kecewa kerana tidak dapat berjumpa ayah kesayangannya. Uma selamba kerana sudah biasa melihat kerenah Si Bapa. Apabila kami sampai ke rumah, hari sudah lewat malam. Rasa lapar sudah hilang kerana penat dan kecewa. 

Ada beberapa buah kereta menunggu di luar rumah. Hatiku amat bergelora. Pasti berita kurang baik. Firasat memaklumkan naluri,  tragedi sudah menimpa, tetapi minda masih berdebat, 

menidakkan segala bisikan. 

Aku bertanya pada saudara menunggu, apakah yang telah terjadi. Tiada jawapan diberi. Akupun bergegas masuk menelefon adikku di kampung. 

Apa yang aku takuti telah terjadi. Si Dia kemalangan. Meninggal di dalam ambulans. Dalam perjalanan ke hospital. Malang!

 Aku menjadi sejuk dan senyap. Tiada ucapan selamat tinggal. Salahku juga. Egoku tidak membenarkan aku mengucapkan selamat jalan.

 Aku kehilangan peluang memberi ucapan selamat jalanku yang terakhir. Salah siapa? Salah dia dan salahku juga. 

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 Hari ini hari Diwali menjadi hari terakhir kami menatap muka Si Dia. Aku meraung di dalam hati tetapi senyap di luar. Aku berasa marah, padanya, pada diriku.

 Aku ingin memegang kakinya dan meminta ampun kerana aku bersalah menunjukkan kemarahanku padanya. Aku bersalah kerana kurang sabar menahani kelemahan suami. 

Hari terakhir telahku baziri dengan ego dan kemarahanku. Tanpa diberi pelukan manja. 

Segala-galanya aku salahkan ego. Tetapi ego itupun diriku juga. Aku bersalah. 

Hari berlalu, segala upacara berjalan. Aku bersalin. Hidup kami berterusan. Tetapi, aku sudah berubah buat selama-lamanya. Hidupku juga berubah. 

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Kereta yang dipandu terus ku letak di hadapan rumah. Belum sempat aku turun, Si Rupi terus berlari ke arah kereta. Dia menolong aku membawa barang-barangku masuk ke dalam. 

Aku terus melabuhkan punggung ke atas sofa di ruang tamu. Rupi pula membawa segelas teh untukku. Walaupun ada pembantu rumah, aku selalu dilayan oleh Rupi dengan sebaik-baiknya. 

Sudah hampir 20 tahun sejak tragedi  itu menimpa kami. Kami masih meneruskan hidup sebaik mungkin. Kehilangan besar dalam hidup kami telah menjadikan aku dan anak-anak lebih tabah dan sabar.

 Pengajaran terbesar bagi diriku? Ego dan ketidaksabaran diri amat tidak perlu dalam hidup. Perjalanan hidup ini amat singkat. Harus dipergunakan dengan sebaik-baiknya. 

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                                                                      Tamat

It is alright to die

Sometimes, I get a glimpse of something very weird.

Weird as in?

I feel a weakening. A weakness. A kind of dizziness. Then a funny kind of pain.

Oh! Is that bad? Is something wrong with you?

I can't be sure. Maybe something is wrong. Its quite a weird feeling. I don't know how to explain it.

Are you ill?

I think so. The dizziness pulls me into a hole. The clenching pain.. It is quite tricky.

Are you afraid?

Afraid? Afraid of what? Death?

Yea, death.

Nope. I'm not afraid of death. I'm curious on how I'm going to end. There's nothing to be afraid about. Only...

Only?

I wish that my death could wait till my parents leave. I think I'd not want them to be miserable about losing me.

I never thought of death in this manner. To follow a hierarchy.

Fate has its schedule. Still one can hope and wish.

I don't know what to say, truly.

Don't say anything. It is really alright to die.

Gosh, I'd be distraught truly.

 Please don't be. When i die, people shouldn't be miserable about it. No one should grieve. No one's life should stop in midair. Life must continue. I accept death  wholeheartedly. It would be a good break from the hard life. A rest in peace. 🙏🏾🙏🏾💐