Ascetic healing

Was there pain in your bones, joints?

There's always pain in my bones. I cannot specify if there's new pain now.

Was there pain in your eyeballs? Especially when you close your eyes?

Yes, I think there was.

And the fever?

It comes and goes. Every evening. Then morning.

Did you expose yourself to mosquito bites?

Mosquitoes don't bite me usually. We can all be sitting and everyone would be complaining that they are getting bitten but i don't have that trouble with those insects. But recently some mosquitoes did bite me.

Where was this?

It was in the hospital. I went to visit someone.

Was he having any difficulties due to mosquito bites?

No, he had an ankle fracture. Someone else in the ward had been admitted for dengue.

I see. Then what happened?

About three mosquitoes bit me. Since it's an abnormal occurrence i immediately noticed the sting.

Hmm.

I tried to squeeze the sting out but nothing oozed as you know mosquitoes have very tiny stings.

Amazing observation you have.

Perhaps it can be concluded that I'm observant. Not amazing ;)

On the tenth day after the bite, the fever came. Pain around the body became more pronounced. Headache.

Did you do the blood test to find out what was wrong with you?

I didn't go to a clinic at all.

Why??

I hydrated myself with Gatorade and 100+. I also drank young papaya leaves' juice. It seemed to reduce the fever.

Should you take such a risk?

I'm fine. Remember when i had that severe backache? And the villaasana dream?

Yes. The backache went away.

The angina in the heart?

Yes, you said you dreamt that you sat under a waterfall.

It was no ordinary waterfall. It had rose water flowing out first, then sandal, then saffron, then milk and finally lotus came falling on my head, as i sat in awe, wondering what was going on.

You came to test your heart after the dream and the inflammation was gone. I wouldn't really believe any of these stories if I'm not your regular physician. I cannot present this to the medical council but i can listen to you in amazement.

I do find it amazing, myself. I'm unsure what's behind all these dreams but i do know that the cosmic power does look after me in a good way.

So what happened this time? Dreams again.

I have dreams every day. There's too many that i cannot define everything. But when something specific appears and it connects with the current happenings then i pay attention to it.

Hmm. What happened this time?

There was a little girl. She was sitting in a wooden chariot. She was in a simple green suit. She was eating biscuits.

Biscuits?

Yes. She gave some to me. The biscuits had leaves in them. It was like neem leaves only it wasn't too bitter. It tasted more like vilva leaves. But not quite.

And..

When i swallowed it, it became very bitter. I couldn't contain it in me. I vomited.

Ohh!

She gave me more. I had to eat it. And this time i didn't throw up.

You ate it.

Yes and it upset my stomach. My tummy hurt so much and i got up.

It was really hurting?

Yes. I was purging. A few times. The symptoms are now disappearing.

The mosquito bites'?

Yes. I guess if i go to a lab for a blood test now it might be negative.

You don't really need to go for a test. You just maintain the water level in your body. If the fever comes back then you come see me again.

You think it will come back? The fever?

Maybe it might. There are risks. Everything has risks.

I know that. If something tricks me in that way, it means it's time for me to meet my Creator. Which isn't bad. We call it fate winning over our intelligence.

Judging from past experience i don't think it will. Someone up there is giving you a helping hand when you fall. I'd say you're simply blessed.

Thank you. I do feel i am blessed. In many ways. And i say thank you at every possible moment. 

Sack on my back. Part One

When you walked in, you totally took my breath away!

Hmm. How did I do that?

You're so beautiful. Look at you. I love the shape of you!

Thank you. That sounds like a song. Your words.

Those tattoos on you?

Yes?

How did you get that?

You mean when?

Yes, when and how?

I have ten tattoos. All over.

Oh! Details, details please.

Well, I cannot give you all the gory details. I had it done in a few phases of my life.

I see.

The very first few were done in Thailand.

You went to Thailand?

I lived there for four years.

Ohh! I really don't know much about you, do i?

Nobody does. I have been quite a mystery. Now that many things have changed i can talk about me.

Tell me how you went to Thailand.

I was 18.

18? That was 15 years ago?

25 years ago. I'm 43 now.

Holy cow! Seriously?

Yup. Back to my story. I was 18. I was restless. I had just finished my high school. My results were nothing to shout about. I had no offers from any colleges nor universities. I was quite bored!

Your parents?

Mother. Single parent. Who slaved herself to put food on our table. She was too busy she wouldn't have noticed anything about me.

That's sad!

Yes, I guess. I pierced all over myself during that time. She didn't even know that!

You never tried to communicate with her?

I would try. She'd sleep off while I'm talking to her.

Ohh!!

Soon i decided to go to work. I went to a saloon. I thought i could manage hair. Perhaps learn to cut and trim. Or at least wash some heads.

You sound cynical!

I've reason to be. That's when my life took a radical twist. Everything changed.

What happened?

I was young and sweet. 18.

I can imagine. Then what happened?

Then, my boss started giving me lots of attention.

How romantic! Was he rich and handsome?

She was rich. She was handsome in a way.

She?

Yes, she. She took me out for dinners and functions. Dressed me up well. Taught me style.

How kind of her.

Not kind. For a reason. She started educating me on physical aspects.

Physical aspects, as in?

Sex. The bodily functions. How i can become powerful with my assets.

Ohh! Was that agreeable for you?

Well, I didn't think much about whether it was agreeable or disagreeable for me. I had no real talents, no papers, no money. I absorbed all that she was exposing to me. I felt excited. Finally I'm going to be somebody important. I wanted to feel big. This seemed to be a good way.

Did it happen that way? In that order? Did you become big and important?

Maybe in the outside i was. Big. Beautiful. Important. The experiences created a new me.

Your experience with?

Clients. My first client was my boss. She had a taste for young girls.

But isn't that very wrong?

I'm not sure what's wrong and right. She had the money. She took care of me. She might have used me in some ways but she didn't abuse me. The abuse came later. Much later.

How did that happen?

She sent me to her next client. Before sending me off she gave me some training. She trained  me about how i should serve him. He was her husband.

You make me dumbfounded. Speechless!

He brought me to Thailand. There i had many clients. Mostly from here. I was lucky the foreigners did not bother me. I was almost 19. I was too old for them. They preferred local young girls.

Hmmm..

Life in Thailand taught me many lessons. My boss' husband expected me to do extraordinary feats. When i am reluctant i will be punished.

Punished? Physically?

Yes. Some punishment involves my very private areas. It was unbearable. Some involved days without food. Alcohol was the only nourishment given. Which made me sick.

I'm so sorry for you.

No point in anyone feeling sorry for me. It was my own doing. All of it.

Perhaps, but..

I was sick on and off. Yet i needed to entertain these men and some women. The tattoos were done in order to create extra attraction on certain areas.

Oh! Gosh! Am i supposed to feel excited or repulsed?

For some it can be exciting. For some it might be repulsive. Depending on one's upbringing. Age too. When you're young some things will excite you. When you're older many things would make you want to throw up.

That's quite an awesome wink. From you. Considering what you've gone through.

What i told you is just the tip of the iceberg. From Thailand i went to India.

I see. How did that happen?

CONTINUED IN PART TWO

Death

I brought this milk tin for the old lady. Could you give her this twice a day please? It will give her a little bit of energy.

Hmm but do you know that this is a funeral house right now? The old lady's husband died. I don't think it's appropriate to bring in groceries now.

I'm really sorry that the old man died. But I believe to take care of those alive too. Do you understand what is the meaning of a funeral?

I'm not sure. I do know that there's lots of rituals, rules and regulations.

A funeral is a send off to a body. When a human dies we need to dispose the body as there is no use for it.

Yes and we have to do it properly so that it reaches its destination.

That destination is?

Heaven and hell.

What happens there?

The dead will either be punished or rewarded according to their deeds.

Don't the heaven and hell need bodies to punish? The body is left behind so, how you think it's going to be punished?

I... I don't know. That's what my parents and my grandparents told me. I never thought about all these issues before.

Let us leave that aspect alone. It's not up to us to speculate what happens to the soul. What is your role in this house?

I am the helper here. I have been here for the past five years. My master took me in after my husband left us.

Left as in?

He left us for another woman. I don't know where he is.

Us as in?

Me and my two daughters.

All of you stay here?

Yes, we do.

How did you come across this job?

I was working in a restaurant. Mr Rama used to come there for meals. He normally talked to me after dinner, over a few glasses of beers.

That's when he offered you the job?

Well...

Ohh.. You became close to him?

Yes. I talked to him about my troubles and he had his. He became a moral support. That was ten years ago.

You look young. How old were you then?

I was 35 and he was 65.

Is that not a big age gap for you?

Age did not matter. I was very unhappy. He was too. His wife was always sick. Bad diabetes. She could not look after him. He needed someone.

So you were his shoulders.

And he mine. Something like that.

How convenient!

It just happened. I don't know whether it is right or wrong. It solved many problems.

Hmm. When did you move in to this place?

Few years ago. He could not manage all the house chores and she was almost bedridden. So I offered to work here instead. I've been doing all the work. Looking after him and her.

Did she know the nature of your relationship with her husband?

Oh, no! I wouldn't do that to her. After meeting her, I felt very unhappy. I really do take care of her well. Like my mother.

Ah, but then he would be like your father, no?

Please don't say that! It was a twist of fate.

We could say that, can't we. It must be quite a shock for you. He dying off like this.

Yes.. Totally unexpected. But i feel that it's not too bad. As i have a place to stay. I will look after her well. I feel i owe it to her after all that has happened.

Hmm. Supposing this heaven and hell theory is right and your relationship is not something very right. Would your master travel to hell or heaven first? Perhaps he'd settle his account and then you catch up later?

I have no idea. This is not something i would think of. People like me only live for the particular moment. I'm not smart enough to analyse things. I do feel sorry for getting into this mess. But i cannot leave now.

It's alright. I guess everything is quite circumstantial here. I will not picture you as a serial villain. By the way, I wouldn't be sharing all these stories to everyone if i were you. Just stick to the maid story.

I agree. But most of them know without me telling them. Anyway i would be silent from now on.

Any idea what's going to happen in the future?

My master has written a will. He told me i could live here for as long as i want. I'm not hoping for anything big. I just need a roof over my head.

Your kids?

They're in a college nearby. He helped with their education. They will soon finish in a few years and then go to work. Perhaps then i can move to where they are. Only..

Only..

I'd only go once there's no one here.

When she dies..

Yes.

I guess the twist in fate is you becoming her nurse. Well i have to go. I do salute your noble ethics. Don't back out and live her in the lurch please.

Thank you. Don't worry, I won't do that.

Lethargy

Feeling lethargic and weak, I thought I should rest. That's what I've been doing lately.

As the messages in the insta started loading something caught my eye. It was a video.

I remember I have seen it before. Yet, today was different than the other day.

SHALINI SARASWATHI: SMELL THE ROSES AND BE HAPPY RIGHT NOW!

How apt! How courageous!

Somewhere within, we know time is precious. Unfortunately, it is the human tendency to forget.

True fighters never give up. True! I know that. Only, I tend to forget. The smallest troubles could disorientate me, me, the most powerful, strongest person I know of.

By saying this many me does not quote I'm an egotistical lass. I just know the dungeons I crawled out are many. Now, I am almost at the top.

How do I dismiss the constant pain?Why does it frequently come and go, come and go!

There was a moment I got fed up with the rest period and i grabbed my running shoes.At that particular moment, I reminisced, remembered why I bought it. Sweet Johnath had matching Nike shoes with matching caps. I bought a pair of pink Nike shoes and a pink t'shirt. I thought why not! While in Germany, no harm pampering myself. I couldn't buy an Audi, so I just bought the shoes.

Back to grabbing the shoes, I went to the tracks and started running. Ignore the panting. Ignore the irritant feeling. Somehow I couldn't. The pain was threateningly, scary. Indescribably scary.

I guess the unknown should scare me. But, after watching the video, I thought I'd do all that I wanted. Fill all my heart's desire. Continue dancing. Continue practicing. Continue working. If the blood pumping angel within me decides to stop, I'd say I pumped it to the last beat, to my heart;s fill.

I know I am happy. So, I am glad. :)   

Remember when..

Do you remember when i was leaning against your shoulder?

Where was this?

Hmm.. At the airport!

Were we ever at the airport?

No! We weren't really. But i thought perhaps it would have been fun.

Sitting in the airport?

No, just sitting with you. Leaning against your shoulder. Instead of..

Instead of?

Instead of you going off just like that. Disappeared into thin air!

I didn't disappear. I died, remember?

Yea, you did. But you could have sat with me for a while. A few times, a few moments, a few hours..

I didn't know my time was limited. Otherwise i would have sat with you. Wherever you wanted.

Hmm..

I would have made you happy. I would have not disappointed you in anyway. I would not have let you shed even a single tear.

But i did. Didn't i. I shed more than a million tears i believe.

I'm sorry.

All my tears didn't keep you with me, my love.

How i wish we had lived differently.

How i wish you didn't leave me.

I was not given a choice, my love.

What should we do?

You should live. While you live, hurt not another soul. Scratch not a single heart.

That's not too hard. Even if it was, I'd do it too. Just for you. Always for you.

And i for you.

Promise me something.

Yea sure.

Promise me you'd come back. Let's sit in the airport, again.

Again? .. Sure why not. Again!

Giraffe

You are awake at odd times again! Are you alright?

I'm good. I had enough sleep, so i woke up. Actually, I had a dream.

Ahh! Dreams again. It has been quite some time since you spoke of dreams.

Dreams and me are inseparable. Only now I'm not bothered by them. There was a giraffe. It was bowing down to me. I could only see its head. I knelt down and caressed its head. Then it stood up. Its height intimidated me. But, i rationalized that the giraffe is a herbivorous creature. Its not going to eat me. Its legs were too thin to squash me. Soo..

Soo.. ?

I just got up and started some work. I'm in the midst of doing some translations. It has been some time since i sat to write that i was lacking in discipline. Thus this little diversion of a chat.

Well, we could analyse your dream?

Analyse the giraffe?

I can notice your grin. Giraffes bowing down is a good sign. So look forward to something awesome coming your way.

Oh, wow! But then, for me every waking moment is an awesome thing. Every breath i take, every move i make, every job i complete! Everything, everyday is awesome.

But, you are in the midst of a financial crisis! How can life be good and awesome?

Let it be! That's man made. I contributed to it. Now i discovered what savings is all about. Bit by bit, put together, in time becomes a hill or even a mountain. No amount of advise or lecture would have taught me this.

True! Experience is our best teacher.

Yup. I got to start work. Nice chatting with you.

Always a pleasure. ;)

multiple intelligences

i don't want my child to sing. I don't want her to run. I don't want her to play, act or swim. I want her to study.

Only study?

Apart from the regular routines yes, I want her to study.

Why do you want her to only study?

I want her to excel in education. Score high marks. Become somebody.

Somebody as in a doctor, lawyer..

yes, of course.

I see. Is she happy with your ideas?

Not really. I think she hates me.

Because you make her study all the time?

Yes. She wants to sing. She wants to play with her friends. She's becoming quite rebellious. Angry all the time.

Do you have any idea why she wants what she wants?

No! I don't even want to know. I just want her to be obedient. Like how I was to my parents and grandparents.

I see. Did you want anything when you were a kid?

Maybe I did. I can't really remember.

When you close your eyes to sleep at night, do you feel complete bliss and fulfillment? Or do you feel you have missed some things in life?

I cannot say. I am too tired from work and I just drift off.. But I can't really say I'm totally blissful. Perhaps there are some missing parts within me.

Hmmm. Can you recall not having something you wanted to do?

I wanted to write. I liked writing songs. I was 15. It was the exam year and I had to stop writing lyrics as my time was all filled with tuition classes and homework.

So, you liked to sing too.

Yea, actually I did sing well. In fact I won several competitions. Mainly because my songs were unique. It was authentic compared to others' as I wrote my own lyrics.

But you did not pursue this?

I couldn't! My parents didn't allow me to. I went to college. Studied hard. Now, I work in a bank. My time is consumed with my career and managing my children. I'm happy to be this responsible mother.

Hmmm. What you're doing is awesome. But, can I suggest a few changes to it? I would like to bring your attention to some things which might help you to have a better relationship with your daughter.

Changes? I don't think any of us want changes. We only want academic excellence. We want our children to score and settle down in their lives with every possible goodness.

Have you heard of multiple intelligence?

I might have. I can't really remember.

It is the many intelligence that is within us. Some of us are musically inclined, some are great with numbers, others are good with languages while a handful would be terrific in sports.

I understand.

Understanding these intelligence in your children will give them a happy complete life!

Ohh! How can I do that?

You need to observe them. Study their likes and dislikes. By likes, dislikes I'm not acknowledging the destructive hobbies from the smart gadgets. I'm pointing at creative aspects like culinary skills, psychometric skills, musical capacity, sports and linguistics.

Where will I find the time? I'm so busy. They're busy. We need to be straight A's achievers to succeed. If we waste time doing this and that we might fall back.

Are you sure straight A's is the answer to a successful life? Do you know how many people collapse and fall into destructive lifestyle? Only because they have had an imbalanced childhood with unfulfilled desires.

I...

You seem disturbed. Have I caught your attention?

I was recalling a cousin who is in the hospital. Depressive and suicidal. Another relative who's been declared bankrupt because he was lost on how to manage his life. Balance...

Balance is important. Please try to absorb that.

I am trying to analyse and accept. I'm struck by your words. What if I create unhappy adults because of my pressure on my kids now to only focus on what I want them to do?

That's what I'm trying to make you understand. Children are beautiful creation of the universe. They need to unfold, bloom in all directions. Give them balance. Teach them balance in eating, playing, sleeping. Studying is part of playing so balance that equally. Praying is also part of playing. Instill that for ascetic discovery. All these creates a complete, compassionate, kind, happy and successful human being.  

I will consider what you said. After all what is life without happiness.

Well said! I wish you all the very best.