hello

hello, where have you been?

hello. i have been busy with work. i was in a big project. its finally over.

you've been missing for quite a while. i've been looking for you.

to be honest i've been a wee bit lazy. when i'm free i preferred lying on my lounger and read books. i felt tired and uninspired to write.

oh, why? i've been looking for a new entry from you. please don't stop writing. are you having a mental block or something?

not really. the mind is always telling me stories. the knapsack on my back is running in one corner. there are other stuff which continuously nag behind my mind. i've just not been moving.

are you depressive again?

perhaps i am. it seems to be inborn. it's triggered by unhappiness, grief and sadness.

ha ha those are all the same.

nope, they're not. unhappiness is went someone yells at me. grief is when i lost my aunt. sadness is something which is always inside of me. maybe it's from the past. it's just there all the time. at times it would reappear. knock on my heart's wall and mark its attendance.

hmm. your words are really colorful.

yea, i guess that's inborn too. it just comes flowing from my mind.

well, i have to go now. please write something. for me.

sure, sure. today can be the warm up. i'd reset my time table to my daily, hourly writing sessions.

thank you so much. bye

pleasure is mine. see you again.

dog's tail

I think you spoke too soon.

You think?

Yea, I heard him shout. At you. Then, behind you.

Behind me?

Hmmm.. He kept condemning you. He said the block in the heart was your doing? You cheated him.

What do you think?

From my observation, you are the only person coming to visit him. You are bringing him the food and fruit.

Yes. His parents are not in top form to run here and there! There's no one to help him so I came. Out of compassion. End of day, I am his family. My son is his only heir.

I heard you sponsored him to this hospital?

Yes, he's my beneficiary, so he's entitled to first class treatment in all government based hospital.

Yet he's ungrateful!

Why do you say so?

He seemed quite angry with you. Ungrateful. He was badmouthing you to all the ward staff.

That's something he does often. He seemed to believe it too. He's frustrated so he's venting it all out. I'm not bothered by it all. I just do my duty.

If I were you, I'd just leave him on his own and live my life.

Let him be the evil self. I just prefer to do what is right. It's his right to spit his frustration out. I can digest it all.

But there are people who are cursing you. Who believe you are the reason he's sick!

:) I'm not the least worried nor bothered about people's opinion. I'm quite clear on my conscience that I am doing nothing but good for him, even if he's all bad to me. It doesn't really matter what he thinks, I'm living a good, busy life. There are things I will never compromise. I will never go live with him. I will never become the sacrificial goat and so no one can ever hurt me in any way. I'm immune to a lot of things. That include people's speculations and assumptions.

Hmmm. I really hope all becomes well for you.

Don't worry. It is already well and fine. I believe no one can straighten the dog's tail. My grandma always said that. Let everyone be themselves. I will be like the wind. Free, unrestrainable, happy and unpolluted.

soul's mate

I feel anxious.

Why is that? What's wrong now?

Nothing! The anxiety just comes on its own. For no reason.

I'm sorry if I hurt you in anyway. I know I have been a little harsh on you these few months.

Hmmm. I don't think it's you. Remember I had that disorder? Maybe I still have it.

Ohh! Is that possible? I thought you recovered fully.

Well, the damage is done. It's like a broken glass bowl. No matter how good a glue you use to stick it all on, the cracks will still remain. It might even leak!

Gosh! I really feel bad now for being hard on you. Turning my back from you. Refusing to help you. Minding my own business! That was totally selfish of me.

Please don't blame yourself. Though recovery is slow, I have discovered some things. Every bad thing that happens has a remedy in it. You removing yourself from my circle is a sprout to your independence. You cannot latch on to me forever. It is good that you detached yourself from me.

But I don't want to! We should always stick together. That's what family is for.

I beg to differ. We are born single! We die single! Why do we need to get attached throughout our life? I realised some time ago that there is a reason why things happen. Remember all those kids I am caring for?

Yes...

You know they're all baby birds waiting for wings to grow? The second their wings are full, I'd let them fly away. There will come a time I will be just on my own. Enjoying my personal space, my freedom.

Wouldn't that be terribly boring? I remember you as an exciting jovial person.

I guess everyone has a phase of friendship. A search for love. At one point destiny would definitely win. I understand my destiny now.

Which is?

A connection with my soulmate.

Ahah! So there is a soulmate?

Of course. The mate is right within my soul. Me! I am my soulmate. There are so many things I don't know about myself. I'm slowly unraveling myself.

You scare me, really. Are you becoming insane?

I have never been saner. When your father died, I thought that was the end for me. In truth, it was the beginning of that journey to discover that I am meant to be alone, to find myself. To attain this blissful solitude.

I guess you gave up on happiness because he died!

It's not like that. My mind, my body and my heart have detached myself from a lot of things. I no longer seek for materialistic pleasures. I can just sit alone in silence, listening to my own breathing, feeling one with my inner self.

You're really scaring me. Did you become like this because you were too heartbroken, because he left?

No! I think he left to let me discover myself. No prince charming would have remained. No children will latch on my side. Everyone will have to go their separate ways. So that I am the liberated self.

I don't really understand what you are saying but I will leave you to your decision simply because i respect it. I do feel a little guilty that perhaps my behaviour towards you have made you this way.

Please don't blame yourself. Whatever that happened, happened for the best. I am very busy now. and perhaps for the next three to five years.

Hmm, those underpriviliged kids. You feel more for them than for any of us.

Not really. These kids they're not well equipped to fend for themselves in this crazy, selfish world. I'm merely arming them with some important self defensive tactics. So that they can survive. Raising all of you was so easy as you were all smart kiddos.

As long as you don't regret what you're doing.

There's nothing to regret. This moment is well spent. Each well spent moment makes life almost perfect. Except for this anxiety attacks, life is close to perfect.

Perhaps this will help you. I found this in the cupboard. Wrapped carefully. Your favourite 'kaili'. I remember this was a great comfort for you.

Oh! That's very kind of you. It might be of some comfort. There's no harm in trying. Thank you for the kindness.

You're welcome. Please at any time if you need any one of our help, don't hesitate to call.

Of course. I'd keep that in mind. Thank you again.

Epidemics

Oh my God! Your house smells like a hospital. Why, you even look like a surgeon. With your green mask and all!

Hmm. We're in the midst of an epidemic. So I'm busy sterilizing the place. It's contagious. 5 out of 8 kids are down with vomiting.

How come it's spreading that a way. Didn't you take precautions. You know when kids vomit we should disinfect area with either antiseptic, salt water or hot water?

Well, they're not too smart. When they started throwing up, they quietly did it in the toilet and settled in. Those who used the toilet after them got infected. Another girl did not know how to throw up in a proper manner. She did it all over and thus..

That's why, I always told you Miss. Why in the world you want to bring all these street people into your house? They really don't know how to use their brains. You should send them away to wear they belong. We can't change them much. You know the saying, you cannot straighten the dog's tail.

Oh, really? How come when the same children win in competitions no one says these kinds of things? Everyone joins in and rejoices. When this girl won first in the coloring competition why did we take part in the victory? The little boy, was champion of the singing event. All of us were jumping in joy. Taking pride in his victory. What's so different now?

Perhaps you're right but they create so much trouble for you.

It is trouble I agree but i do believe they can soon be trained.

I applaud your belief. Please do tell me if you need any help. You need only ask Miss.

For starters, you can sit and talk to them about hygiene processes during illness. Will be a great help for me.

Sure. I will do it. I'm glad to be of help and I'm sorry i jumped into the wrong drain just now.

Don't worry about it. 

Dreamhouse

A few years ago, someone asked me about retirement. I replied immediately that I love my job and cannot think of such a thing.

But you retired!

Yes, while planning the retirement another person asked me how I'm going to live my life after that.

And..

I remember telling her that I would get a small apartment. It would be really small, with a bath and kitchen attached.

You mean a studio apartment!

Yes. I only wanted a few pots and pans. Some cups and saucers. A moderate refrigerator. Electric stove.

Hmmm..

It must be on the second floor so that I have to walk a bit to get there. With a simple windy staircase. I would live alone. Occasionally entertaining limited friends. But..

But..

See how I am now. Nothing happened that way at all.

You're in an apartment.

Yes, and it's three times bigger than what I imagined it to be.

It is in the second floor.

Hmm true but I'm not alone at all. 8 children.  I think this is the messiest house in town.

Well it doesn't matter.  I envy you. Look at your days. All of you are bustling from dawn to dusk. I can see you're having a lot of fun.

We're.  I am. But it's not easy. It takes a lot of work.

Yes, I can see that. Isn't it fun to be busy like this?

Probably so. Sometimes I get so tired. Then suddenly someone achieves something and my tiredness vanishes.  It's replacedby an energy.  Jubilation. Victorious energy.

Aren't you lonely?

Lonely! Sometimes I do imagine how it would be if I had a soul mate, someone to do everything with! I used to think Jayan reappearing a changed man. Dancing to my every tune. Fulfilling all my wishes.

I see..

Then I'd remember the many deceptions and the many lies. The waiting around the hours till eyes were dry. I got no answers for all his nonsense.  Huhuh, no thanks. I don't think I want to relive that hellhole again.

Perhaps there is someone out there!

Yes, of course there is. There is the cosmic power with His cosmic law. He protects.  He loves. At the precipice He would send a solution, a saviour. A child to be changed. A soul to be salvaged.

You're happy with this?

Yes, I am. This is not how it would be forever.  A few more years and there will be glorious alone days. With my books. With myself.

You're looking forward to it.

I am working towards it.

I wish you all the best.  To get what you want.

And I thank you for that.  ☺

Companion

I am very lonely. Will you be my companion?

Companion? Why? Aren't you with a family?

I do. They're so faraway. My wife is old.

You are old too!

Ah, but I'm a man! That makes a difference.

Oh! How is that? Did you ask your wife whether she's lonely or not?

Well, the kids are there with her. We never have these kinds of conversation back home. Nobody talks about private matters. I instruct and she follows. That's about it.

Hmm. Typical chauvinism I'd say.

I don't understand that word.

It's okay you don't really have to  understand that particular word. Why did you come here?

To earn some money. A friend came to my homeland and told me that everything is possible here. He made it sound as if money grows on trees, but...

You are discovering that it is not so now?

Things are very expensive here. I might earn more here but my expenses are much higher. I lived in a rent free house there, here the rent is a lot. End of the day, I'm not really able to send much to my home.

Why don't you go back then at least you will not be lonely.

Firstly, I have a contract here for two years, i cannot leave before that. Secondly, even back home I'm lonely. My family regards me as the provider. Everyone is quite afraid of me. I don't really treat anyone harshly but they have decided as head of the family i must be kept at a distance.

I see, perhaps when you go back this time, you can create a bonding.

That will not happen madam, they're not friendly. You're different. You're friendly. You're different. How do we say, enterprising! I like talking to you.

Hmm. Unfortunately, you got me all wrong. I'm just friendly to everyone. The minute I leave, you'd be out of my mind. It diverts to my next duty at hand.

Ohh!

Well, don't be so heartbroken. Getting friendly with me is not going to solve your problems. We're all God fearing people. We cannot hurt our family members with things like this. Jumping into any kind of relationship is not at all in my agenda.

I understand. I'm sorry I asked you in the first place.

Its okay my friend. When i drop by we can chat a bit. After all i do need to eat. I'd continue eating here every Monday without fail.

Why can't you come everyday? I'd give you a discount?

No, no. Discounts are no good. You must earn your rightful share and i don't want to get attached to any particular person, place or situation. I'm really sorry.

Please don't stop coming here. It's quite refreshing talking to you.

Sure. See you next week. Meanwhile be happy. Call your family. Talk to them on and off. Build a platform from here so that you can break all barriers once back home.

Alright. I will try that. Thanks.

Welcome my friend.

This awesome man

As he entered the car, I inhaled deeply. He still smelled the same!

Perfume?

Nope! It's just his scent. A very unique smell which i can recall as forever.

Oh! I really cannot remember anyone with that aspect.

Hmm. I watch him get in. He has slowed down. That strong, stubborn man is now quiet and often deep in thought.

Thoughts of?

I wouldn't know. Perhaps he's worried. Thinking about his ailments.

Or afraid!

Oh, no! Not afraid. Maybe he's reluctant to leave. Probably to leave behind the apple of his eye.

The sweet Chinmaiyi!

Yes. They're as close as can be. She'd say all the nicest things to him.

And him to her, I realise.

I remember him as strict as can be. Ruling the household. So many kids were there. My aunt's children and my uncles and cousins. We were all terrified of him.

Ahh! Now i understand why you do the things you do. You're like him.

Yes. I am very much like him. In many ways. Looking at him now, brings a little sorrowful pain into the heart.

Well, we cannot be selfish. No one lives forever.

Of course. And I'm thankful that I am lucky to have him till this day. I wish him all happiness in the time that's left. For my part, I'd do all my best for him in whichever way possible.

Yea, well let's make his days better and best.

Hmm, I'm glad to have this awesome man as my father.