Ignorance

I'm afraid to go for this meeting. Can you come with me?

What meeting is that?

My son got into trouble in school. The headmaster wants to see me.

What kind of trouble?

I'm not sure. He didn't say.

Did you ask your son?

He doesn't talk to me. He's silent all the time.

When is this meeting?

In a while.

Why are you afraid to see this man? The headmaster? Has he been rude to you in any way?

Oh, no! I've never seen him. I've not gone out anywhere for the past six months, since that day...

Since your husband died?

Yes. My family restricts me from going out. There are things I'm not allowed to do as a widow.

You know i really feel annoyed with your ignorance. Why do you have restrictions because you're a widow? You're not a criminal who had committed a murder or something. Who's restricting you?

All my family members. They say widows are looked down by the community. We're a symbol of bad luck.

I see. Do you know why your husband died? Did you hurt him in anyway? Did you poison him or something?

No. He wasn't well. He had a heart attack. He was jobless. He didn't have any exercise. The doctor said there was too much fat in his heart. His heart stopped.

In what way are you responsible for his death? Isn't it his fault that he didn't take care of his health?

Many say that if i had been lucky he wouldn't have died. A husband's long life is in the hands of the wife.

How can you say that? You are a living human being. You should live your life. Don't you have any likes, dislikes?

I have always done what made my husband happy. I just listened to him. I obeyed his every instruction.

And now?

Now I'm obeying what my father and brothers are saying.

Were you always living with your parents?

No, I lived with my husband in a condominium. After he died my father told me to pack my bags and go live with him.

What happened to your condo?

It's there. No one's there now.

Why can't you stay there? On your own?

What would i do? I don't have a job. I don't drive. I don't know much about the outside world. It's a little scary.

I'm a little lost for words. Please tell me honestly. Do you have anything that you like to do?

I like to watch movies.

Do you watch it anytime?

Yes. When the TV is on. When everyone is watching.

You don't go to the theatre?

Oh, no! I'm not allowed. It's just been six months since he died. I can only go out after a year.

Sigh! This is the year 2016. You sound like you live in the 50's. Will you listen to me?

I can listen to you. I like the way you helped my children in the temple. They listened to you. That's why i came to ask for your help.

Firstly let me talk to your parents. They cannot tie you down like this. What will happen to you after them? How will you survive alone?

I never thought of it... It's scary.

Your parents are old. You have three children. You already are facing problems with your children. You must sort out your life.

What should i do? Please tell me what i can do.

It's not going to be easy. Everything takes efforts. You understand?

Yes.

There is a long list of things to be done. If you follow what I'm saying you can make important changes. Slowly you can start living independently.

Okay. I will try to follow what you say.

Now let's go sort out your son's problem. I will follow you but you are going to talk to the headmaster okay?

Okay.

Comparison

Sitting in hospitals can be very trying at times.

There are choices of course. There is the private hospitals you can go to.

You can flash the medical card there and get things done quickly.

The challenge is sitting in the government hospital and waiting in line. Watching all those people waiting. Patients waiting in patience, patiently.

I like to sit with them. I compare what i have. What many don't have. It makes me feel that I'm blessed with many great blessings.

It also brought back memories from the past. Waiting before this. A few years ago. How disoriented i was then.

I used to sit in a good corner with a wall and fall asleep.

My number would bypass me. Prof would come out of his room and get me himself.

I remember his words, "somehow i knew you must be out here".

I don't remember trying very hard to recover. It just happened. People came and did their part.

It was an awesome support system created by nature, God, fate. It can be anything. I have no distinct clue.

Good people, created by the mystique enigmatic system, who had come to my rescue time and again.

It was just a matter of time i realized life is simple. You stay away from people who have the potential to harm you.

Stay close with those who can engulf and save you.

So life becomes better.

Knowledge silently whispers that peace comes when you put a stop to everything and become quiet.

I wonder how it would be to not meet anyone. To not do anything. To be at a standstill. In solitude.

I can imagine myself so. I can even distinguish where that place will be.

The fact that i have all these thoughts might actually be a sign I'm walking towards it in a slow pace.

Quey Sera Sera!

Possibilities

How is the recovery process going on?

What can i say? It has to be good right? Considering you checking on me now and then.

How do you feel?

I feel wretched! Not being able to run around. Lying down often. Feeling inferior while you peer down on me. It makes you look superior.

Well, I'm your doctor mind you. Yet i see you're still not perfectly still. You're solving problems. Whose problems are those?

There are single mothers who have issues. Day to day troubles. Their kids don't understand their mothers' language. They listen to me. So i step in. They visit me and i counsel them. It gives the mind something to do.

You need rest you know?

I'm resting. Your medicines are working. No more pain. Currently I'm just getting accustomed to the after effects of the medication. I am becoming stronger. I believe I'm going to be stronger than before.

Yes. That seems to be your trend. You fall. Then you get up two steps higher. I remember sending you to the urologist, then to the psychiatric department, then to the orthopedics, again to the psychiatrist, then to the heart institute and now finally...

Finally, you got me under your wing! I can smell your smugness. Please don't condemn my complementary treatments as lame. I got impatient. I needed fast recovery. It would have eventually worked. It takes time.

I know. I'm not condemning you in anyway. When have i ever done that? Just because you've met some abnormal people in life don't include me in similar category.

You know what they say, once bitten twice shy!  Now, I'm very cautious.

While you're cautious, I have an offer to make. Would you consider me taking care of you?

You are taking care of me, for the past 20 odd years.

I'm talking about a regular basis. You know I'm on my own. My kids have all grown. We could make this work. An awesome partnership.

Please, can i laugh a bit? You know I've been married, twice. And i don't find it plausible from any angle.

Why? You feel I'm intolerable in any way?

No! You're fine. When i see you like this. In a limited basis. I really cannot imagine tolerating someone in a long term. Sharing things, space, things..

By things you mean intimacies?

Yes, I didn't choose to live like a monk. Nature sent it my way. Now that I've tasted life alone I'm not going to destroy it in any way. I prefer to remain your friend. There's no point in jumping into the big hole of commitment and then parting as enemies.

You break my heart.

If it makes matters better, let me tell you that you're the only man in my life. I'd like to keep it that way, always. Within an arms length. So that our relationship remains tact and trouble free.

I get your point, but if you ever change your mind, my offer is open forever.

I'd just smile for now. Thanks for such a gesture. I am touched.

I'd buy that as a truce.

Peace.

Tirani

Apabila saya memegang buku berjudul 'Tirani' ini buat pertama kali, saya berasa agak berbelah bagi. Siapakah Tirani ini?

Aktiviti prabaca tidak mendedahkan siapa Tirani apabila saya meredah sinopsis ringkas di kulit belakang novel tersebut.

Saya pun mula membaca. Pelbagai nama terlintas. Ceritanya bergerak lancar. Tirani tidak muncul muncul lagi.

Begitu asyik saya mencari si Tirani, saya lupa menghadamkan intipati plot dalam novel terpilih SPM ini.

Dalam kekeliruan saya berhenti membaca. Saya meletakkan buku itu jauh-jauh.

Selepas beberapa hari, saya mengambilnya balik. Saya mula membaca tanpa prejudis.

Hampir dua per tiga cerita sudah dibaca barulah saya dipukul ombak kesedaran.

Aduhai, sebenarnya Tirani ini bukannya nama orang! Tirani datang daripada perkataan Bahasa Inggeris, 'Tyranny'.

Masakan saya begitu daif?

Saya bersoal jawab dengan beberapa anak murid saya. Mereka sebenarnya tidak tahu asal usul nama novel ini bahkan mereka langsung tidak tahu erti perkataan 'Tyranny' dalam Bahasa Inggeris.

Saya terfikir berapa ramai anak-anak kita keliru dan tidak perasan kaitan nama dengan cerita di dalam novel yang serba menarik ini.

Kemungkinan guru yang mengajar sastera tahu tentang perkara ini tetapi ramai guru yang mengajar subjek Bahasa Malaysia umpama bidan terjun. Mereka bukan guru opsyen malah terpaksa mengajar semua komponen dalam bahasa termasuk Komsas kerana kekurangan guru.

Masa yang diperuntukkan untuk Komsas pula agak terhad.

Dalam era sekarang di mana penggunaan telefon pintar dan gajet kian berleluasa, bilangan pelajar yang meluangkan masa membaca dan menganalisa keseluruhan novel ini sangatlah kecil.

Untunglah bagi pelajar di bandar yang mampu menghadiri kelas bimbingan.

Kumpulan pelajar di kampung yang banyak masa untuk membaca juga bernasib baik dapat membaca dan menghayati novel ini.

Saya cukup bimbang memikirkan nasib golongan yang kurang. Kurang minat, kurang kemampuan, kurang inisiatif.

Bagaimana agaknya kualiti Komsas nanti? 

Chances.

Are you by any chance trying to kill yourself?

Oh! No! I'm not!

Then why are you so stubborn? Don't you know that there is a chapter called rest in everyone's life?

Yea. I know. I do rest.

How many hours do you rest in a day?

Hmmm... I'm not really sure.

Okay. Let me rephrase it. How many hours do you work?

18 hours. Give or take. I do have some recreational activities. Three times a week. And when I'm extraordinarily tired, I park at the side and rest for a while.

So you sleep for 6 hours.

Yup. Approximately.

Deep, undisturbed sleep?

No! Never i guess. I can't remember undisturbed sleep. It's always disturbed. Bad dreams, nightmares..

They're both the same.

Oh, no! Bad dreams make you sad. Nightmares make you scared. Two different things.

So, you don't realize that you're overworking yourself.

There's no overwork in my line of duty. There are no pauses. Children grow every second. They need moulding. Guiding. Like someone said, " children are the world's greatest resource". I'm good with my work.

 How bad is your pain?

It's there. Every time i inhale gently it's not so evident. When i pull in deep just to test whether it's there, it's there. No doubt about it. You know i don't lie. I wish i could bluff you.

And i wish i could knock some sense into you.

Please do. Just because you've known me almost a lifetime, it doesn't mean you can be rude and obnoxious to me. If i had studied harder, if i had been given proper guidance I'd be a doctor too!

If you had a different doctor you would have been kicked out from the hospital.

So what's stopping you from doing that?

Perhaps compassion. I've not forgotten your kindness, your help. A friend in need..

Hmmm. Cool. I'm glad you're as helpful as you are. I'm afraid sometimes. Afraid of the why's and what's.

But if you don't really act accordingly you're going to get into trouble. Your medication?

Hmmm... I read the contraindications. It's no good for the kidneys. You know you guys want to repair one organ and kill another? I'm sorry but i feel that's the truth. Let's look at it this way, k.
If i leave it to nature and apply a healthy lifestyle, i live another five to ten years. With your medication i might live for 15 years and the final five years will be filled with aahhs and oohhs of discovering what these medication did to me. Lamenting that, my liver is sick because of this drug and my kidney is unhappy because i ate this pill. No thanks bro!

Hey! How many times i told you never to call me that?

Yes.. Doctor B. I'm very sorry. Look don't panic like I'm going down too soon. I'm going to live my life my way. Just don't forget about my request. Anything goes awry please remember to open that envelope i gave you and forward that mail to that particular address.

Yeah sure. And again I'm telling you I'm quite clear with your plea. You don't have to keep saying it this many times. It annoys me.

Hmmm. I'm not really buying your jealous outburst. I know you're more anxious and a little agitated with my stubbornness. I'm happy as i am. Please leave it.

Okay. Okay. Will you send me a mail too?

Ha! Ha! You're funny. I'd tell you what i need to say. To your face. In fact I've already said a lot.  You're here. He's not. He's far far away.

Your mystery man.

My mystery man. And that's all there is to it. Stop giving me that look. I should make another confession.

Which is?

I didn't go for the MRI.

What? Why?

Why should i? If there is something wrong with my nerves or ligaments or tendons, what can you do to them? I'm not going to let anymore needles into my system.  I'm done. Please.

I can't believe you at times. Lost for words.

Well, I'm really sorry i don't dance to your tunes.  Go do some work like a surgeon should. Bye.

Bye. You take care. Anything call me.

Sure. Sure. Cheerio.

Soldiers

Hey, why are you crying?

எனக்கு இங்கே இருக்க பிடிக்கல டீச்சர்!

Why? Don't you like it here?

நோ.., எனக்கு பிடிக்கல.

Why?

உங்களுக்கு தெரியுமா? நான், என் அம்மா, அண்ணன், தம்பி எல்லாம் சேர்ந்து அரண்மனை 2, 3 சேர்ந்து, சந்தோஷமா உட்கார்ந்து பார்ப்போம்?

Aranmanai 3? I didn't know it was out. But you need to study. You need to become a clever girl. I will teach you.

நோ.. எனக்கு படிக்க பிடிக்கல. எனக்கு இங்கிலீஷ் பிடிக்கல. நீங்கள் ஏன் என்னிடம் அதையே பேசுரீங்க. எனக்கு அது பிடிக்கவே பிடிக்கல.

Well. You need to learn English. Its important. You need to read books. You must go to school. I will help you.

ப்ளீஸ் டீச்சர் என்னை விட்டுடுங்க. நான் அங்கே போறேன். என் வீடு தான் எனக்கு பிடிக்கும்.

Ok. Tell me first what you do there? Why you like it so much?

என் வீட்டில் யாரும் எழுப்ப மாட்டாங்க. என் இஷ்டத்துக்கு தூங்குவேன். எழுந்ததும் எல்லாம் என் இஷ்டம் தான். யாரும் என்னை பல்லை சுத்தம் செய், குளி, இதை செய், அதை செய்னு தார்ச்சர் செய்ய மாட்டாங்கள். நிறைய டீவி பார்ப்பேன்.

And that makes you happy.

யெஸ். ஐ டொன் லைக் திஸ். தார்ச்சர். எனக்கு நீங்கள் நிறைய கஷ்டம் தரிங்க.

Hmmm. I can't do much about that my dear. You have to learn how to get up early. You must go to school soon. You need to learn ABC. Learn to read. Learn numbers. It's important for you.

எனக்கு வேண்டாம் டீச்சர். என்ன விட்டுடுங்க.

Do you know why you had to leave home?

ஐ நோ! என் அப்பா கீழே இருந்த எண்ணெயை கவனிக்காமல் வழுக்கி விழுந்து இறந்து விட்டார். அதனால நான், என் அண்ணன், தம்பி, அம்மா எல்லாம் இப்படி இருக்கிறோம்.

Hmmm. It is a sad thing that your father had died. He had a heart attack. Now it's difficult for your mom to manage all of you alone. That's why I'm looking after you.

ஓ... எனக்கு அது தெரியல.

Hmmm. Never mind. You are a little child. So you must be quite confused. I don't blame you. Did you like the dresses i bought for you?

யெஸ். தெங்க் யூ. அது நல்லா இருக்கு. ஷூக்கூட வெரி நைஸ்.

You like the kindergarten i brought you to?

ஹ்ம்ம்ம். அது நல்லாதான் இருந்தது. காலையில் எழுந்ததும் தூக்கம் தூக்கமா வந்தது. அங்க போனதும் தூக்கம் போச்சு.

You know Anand annaa? He didn't want to go to school too. Long before. Look at him now. He looks smart right?

ஆமாம். புளூ கலர் ஷெர்ட்.

Do you know why he's wearing a blue shirt? He started going to school and he became better. The school made him a prefect. That's why he's wearing the smart blue shirt. School can be fun too.

நானும் புளூ கலர் ஷெர்ட் போடலாமா?

Hmmm.. Why not? I will get you the blue shirt. Now come here. Let's learn some songs. Then write them down.

OK teacher. Can we dance too.

See, you're starting to speak English. Soon you're going to be a very smart girl.

Curry leaves

I'm just thinking aloud. Someone once suggested that i should become a therapist. He said I have all the credible needs to become one.

When i heard that i imagined to be a physical therapist. Involving sprain solving massages, hot cold compresses etc.

Now as i explore what I'm experimenting i think perhaps my therapies are not merely physical. I'm evolving.

Not into Cinderella. Into something quite deep. Herbal therapies. Mostly.

Very recently i drove to a nearby clinic frantically needing a nebulizer. I was panting away.

I left before i registered at the counter. One it was too crowded. I felt hot and uncomfortable to waste time there.

Another reason was I'm always bothered by the aftermath of the steroid based treatment. The shiver me timbers syndrome. This name is my personal creation.

Once home i treated myself. I became better. I'm not going to list what i did because asthma is quite tricky. And these are the kind of things that people can add the sentence,
 " please don't try this at home ".

I just took a chance, a risk with myself. And it involves a lot of natural things like salt, turmeric and Indian Borage.

Fortunately, it worked.

I wrote an article about turmeric not so long ago. I write many things. I have translated lots of other people's work. Often it's mental vomit. Some has been palatable to sight.

I don't send anything, anywhere to get them published. I am writing a novel. But when I'd complete it or whether I'd publish it and turn it into a book is something only time will tell.

Thanks to Uthaya Sangkar  SB, my article on turmeric was published. It was published in a renowned local magazine in Malay named Dewan Budaya.

Recently I've been working with curry leaves. When i am not too physically busy I'd gather all my information and turn this authentic leaf , its physical and non physical beauty into a useful article.

If someone reads this and decides to write about this marvel, please go ahead.

While I'm thinking about curry leaves, I'm wondering if someone has actually created hair oil based with curry leaves.

It must be a hit because people can have less gray hair.

You can have curry leaves based shower creams, shampoos and lotions.

I'm just thinking aloud. But sometimes things that i think aloud do materialize.