HOW DID I LOSE YOU

When are you coming back?

I haven't left. I'm still here. I never left.

But, you're not WITH me!

Who's fault is that? You bulldozed us out. We found us a home. We needed peace.

You could have given me a chance. I would have changed.

I gave you 12 years. You did not even realise you were doing anything wrong. You were busy correcting us. Anyone can make mistakes. Correction should not hurt. It should not be violent. No one should cause pain to another. It is very wrong.

I have changed now. Please come back.

I have changed too. I prefer to be on my own. I like my own space. I am still here, no? I still see you. I help you with all that you do. Your empire has grown. I am happy to help you too. I learn new things. And I know you are unguided. I know you need my help. I have my long list of agenda. I'm only quarter way towards fulfilling it.

You can do it with me. I have changed. I will not stop you. I will not disturb you.

Would you be able to tolerate 30 school kids walking in and out of the house? Can you accept the toilet becoming dirty and soiled after they use it? Could you be tolerant of foreign women walking in and out of your house? You would say that they smell. You would feel your house has become smelly. I will not take the risk of you hurting any one of my people.

I miss you. I want you to be around more.

I'm sorry I don't miss you. I don't need a companion anymore. People around me are great company. My companions are always careful. They don't hurt me in anyway. We are always cautious never to hurt anyone. Not with words. Not with gestures. Not with actions. This is the kind of world I want to live in. Some of my people are war victims. I do not want to remind them of pain and hurt in anyway. I want them to feel peace and happiness.

I'm miserable without you.

I'm sorry that you are. I am your friend. I can talk to you when I'm free. I will help you when you need help, when I can. I will no longer rip myself from what I'm doing and run to your beck and call. I will not trap myself within that torture. Life was a nightmare. I lived in fear. You were like a big monster then. I'm glad you are calmer and reachable now. In some ways that is good for you too. Your anger is no longer triggered by us. You have your space. You have your peace. I pray you find your happiness in whichever way you want. I hope your misery is reduced and soon erased. Our life is beautiful. It is totally in our hands to be happy. It is our right to be free. Discovering that our lives are in our hands is the biggest discovery. Cherish this life. Stop complaining. Breathe in the lovely air and say thank you that there are no bullets flying over our heads. Thank our lucky stars that we are free to walk as we please. Look at the greenery around us. Admire the flowers. Fulfill what you want to do. Live your life.

How did I lose you?

You never owned me to lose me. I am my very own soul. My very own body. I am mine. My mind, body, heart and soul are totally mine. I belong to myself. You belong to yourself. Accept this. This is the very first step.

Can I wait for you?

Please don't waste even a single second waiting for anything. Continue doing one thing after another. Overlap one activity with another. You will discover the many hidden beauties within you. Unleash your talents. Discover the undiscovered potentials. There is a sea of undiscovered mysteries within yourself.

I would like to spend some time with you.

There are things that we can do together. Come meet me at the gym. We can have training together. We can chat a bit after that. You can join me in the temple. Providing you do not criticize or scare my companions. We can take it from there. I'm open to good company.

Thank you.

Please don't thank me I'm not doing you a favor. We are family. We can give and take to the best level that we can. As long as I'm doing what I want and I am happy. As long as peace is with me. As long as people around me are happy. I have to go. We will catch up again soon. Take care of yourself. Bye.  

Vows to live a better life

I am meeting my Prof today.I am filled with mixed feelings. It has been a clean seven months since I have been off my medication. For previous appointments I cannot really remember how I felt. I had been muddled and confused.

I remember though sitting dreadfully,waiting for my turn. I would watch people there.Looking at some very unwell people, I would think I am not that sick after all.

But the inability to get up and face daily life definitely indicated some sort of trouble. The attempts to end my life had been there too. So, I guess I did need some kind of professional help.

I do know that even at that time I figured out that the cause of my breakdowns is the many gimmicks of people. Currently, the world is filled with selfish people.Some step on you. Some unknowingly. Some purposefully. Even those who stepped on me accidentally and then discovered their folly did not bother to make amends. They just moved on because there were big things happening in their life.

I do remember the name callings though. Psycho! 'Manndai Ohdi'! 'Chau Toot' :- that's mad in Chinese.

One particular group even said that I am pretending in order to escape work.

Those who disappeared from my line of view have reappeared now. I remember them too. I do not shun  them. They do not know I remember their tactics. But i do. I keep very minimal  careful contact.

Standing, sitting, walking, working, dancing  sleeping or whatever i do, I just do it to my best.

I stop to smell the flowers not because i want to but because i should in order to live well.

At times i drag a disoriented old man to the hair saloon and give him a well deserved haircut.

Occasionally i bring an unorganized lady to the spa. I spend a few hours of time with her and teach her some lessons on basic hygiene.

These relationships are touch and go. So far I've not met those people again. In some ways i prefer this.

I find that j'adore to be my most favorite fragrant. I  can live with it forever but if i don't get that bottle of parfum, it gets discontinued or what i have breaks to evaporate into thin air, I'd accept it as its meant to be.

Its going to be the same with people, I hope. If someone disappears from my life i hope to accept it as its meant to happen. I should embrace those around me and do my best for them.

This is how i have concluded that life should be.

This doesn't mean I'm on cloud nine. I have my miseries. Knowing I'm not going to break down is what's keeping me going.

Knowing that i have the capacity to realize i should survive gives me the strength and belief i will make it.

Though i prefer living a reclusive life, for now my commitments require me to keep in touch with community.

Its actually a facade. I'm just waiting for time to break free. To flee this congested lifestyle.

To listen to silence as to what silence dictates to me.

I do realize that i have turned out to be a positive force. Those who are with me are there for a reason. Those who lost me are just passing clouds

My Prof is one of the most important person to pull me out of my self dug dungeon. I came out coated in self attached debris. I'm still in the midst of cleaning them up.

I know every mess that I might get into is my responsibility. It's up to me not to get into it in the first place.

That makes life simple.

God bless Prof and his staff for all their kindness.

Sitting here now, it's good to be able to look at things with a different perspective.

Great to be a visitor rather than a patient. 

another conversation

hi

hello

how are you doing?

not too good. something happened this morning.

what happened? if you don't mind sharing your story.

My son hit me this morning.

Oh, gosh! why?

He came home very late. he refused to get up for class this morning. i forced him to get up. he screamed at me and when i continued pestering him. he hit me then.

did he go to class?

nope. i ended up getting hurt.

did you see a doctor? do you need any treatment?

no, i'm not really hurting physically. i'm hurt internally. i keep asking myself. where did i go wrong? i have been working very hard to bring these kids up. why are they like this?

you can't blame yourself for other people's attitude. children change as they grow up. they get influenced by their surroundings and friends. they like to have entertainment. with the presence of the gadgets they get easy access to all kinds of fun. they don't like to work hard. they want an easy life.

yes. he stole money from me. he bought himself a smartphone. he's usually out. when he's home he's inside his phone. when i question him he answers me rudely that he'd do as he wishes. he also demands for money. every time i don't give him, he steals from me. he fights with me. my life is miserable.

what do you think you want to do?

i'm lost. what can i do? I'm helpless. what can i do?

you have to be careful with money. don't keep money around the house. safeguard yourself. don't fight with him. organise yourself. live your life well. your son will learn his responsibilities.

he doesn't clean his room. his clothes are not washed. i end up doing his laundry. i have to wash his bathroom. i must clean his room. otherwise the house is a mess.

you see, these are the things that you shouldn't do. he should clean up after himself. he should organise himself. leave the mess till he cleans up. he would never change unless you put your foot down. if he becomes violent ask him to leave.

i wish he would change. his brothers are also following his ways.

you have to set some rules. house rules that they must follow. curfew time. if they are not willing to listen put your foot down. don't use physical pressure. restrict them with expenses. if they don't listen cut their allowance. these steps will ensure some discipline in them.

thank you miss. i will try my best.

you take care now. come see me next week. we'd talk some more. bye   

SPM English Literature - A POISON TREE- just a review from my point of understanding

The Charge of the Light Brigade, The Living Photograph, What has Happened to Lulu?, A Poison Tree
Tanjong Rhu, Leaving, The Right Thing To Do, Dear Mr. Kilmer

For a fixed 15 marks, students need to read all the texts.  How much time allocated for all these, between files, courses, meetings and other aspects like directed, continuous writing, grammar and summary practice is a big question by itself. Any one excerpt can be questioned so this batch is going to be facing another high jump soon. 

To help my students understand and tackle the various needs of the literature paper, i have read the needed books and am trying to dissect and understand the literal and figurative meanings of the said  literary products.

William Blake was an English poet, painter and print maker who lived from 28 November, 1757 to 12 August, 1827. One of his well known poem is ' A Poison Tree'.

This poem is about anger. The anger is directed at someone and keeping it until it becomes an obsession. The poem is written from the first person point of view. The persona talks about anger issues within him. When he is angry with a friend, he settles the misunderstanding by talking to him but when he is angry with an enemy he does not attempt to settle the issue. He allows the feeling of anger to fester within himself. He doesn't do anything to solve the problem and pretends that everything is fine. He feeds his anger intensely, daily till it literally grows into a 'poison tree' or an apple tree which bears a poisonous apple. The poisoned apple is the consumed hatred of the persona. It is a fruit of evil digestion. The fruit appear to become a bait to the foe. Death in the poem indicate that the enemy suffers severe consequences when he attempts to retaliate to the persona's bait.  

We can say that William Blake choice of the apple compared to other fruits is brilliant and full of significance because it is easily identified especially in the terms of the Bible. The apple here is considered poisonous just as how it was forbidden to Adam and Eve. This is easily digestible as William Blake is religious and the apple could be referenced on how Adam was tempted to eat it. This seems suitable as it is tempting to dwell and think of revenge although many things can be dealt with in other ways. This poem deals with anger. It is indirectly advising that anger is unhealthy to a person.

When one is angry it is alright to face it and be angry for a while. To deny this emotion is just as bad as hiding it. However after an appropriate length of time, common sense should be applied and anger should be resolved. One should consider whether it is making you a better person. if the answer is no, then clear steps need to be taken to address it such as talking to someone about it. Coming to terms that even though there can be nothing done by the other party to make you feel better or to simply learn to let go and move on with life are other ways of coming to terms with anger.

Of course we can visit counselors and psychologists to sort anger professionally. When keeping negative emotions bottled up, hormones become imbalanced. This can cause ill effects to health. Humans are creatures of huge emotions and these feelings need an outlet. Negative emotions such as anger can be like a boiling kettle where the steam has to be released or the kettle will explode, damaging the kettle and at the same time hurting others.It is proven medically that people who get angry often fall sick often. One should have recreational pastimes to balance stress from work and home.

The setting is the persona's workplace and house, time is from a few days to weeks
 themes are holding back feelings of anger, releasing one's anger, lies, deceits and evil ways
language and style simple language yet difficult to understand at one read,
tone and mood is sad, angry and serious
poetic devices such as sound devices; alliteration, assonance,
literary devices; symbol, imagery, repetition, irony, personification, contrast,simile, metaphor and diction aspects need not be deeply scrutinized as this might not be an essay question but no harm in reading and understanding all the elements.

This is a review from my point of view. It might be added or edited later if I find other views at other frequent reading.

If one should need help with this poem, feel free to contact me. You can email me at eaglez121@yahoo.com

Fairy stepfather

Out of the blue, we decided that we should visit the fairy stepfather. It has been quite a while since we set foot there.

I stepped into the house with heart pounding, feeling restless and a little disturbed, sensing past happenings.

This had been an unhappy house. I can still remember the many times we were traumatized with the many verbal and physical abuse.

The screaming, crying and the many escapes we made. Hiding in basements and running out in the middle of the night, hoping to hail a cab and just go somewhere where there would be peace.

At that juncture, I could understand how Jack would have felt when the giant was after him.

Today, this house reminded me of the story, 'A rose for Emily' by William Faulkner.

 That tangy unlooked after smell of poor ventilation drifted into the nostrils the minute i snapped out of my past reveries.

After inspecting the area, we decided to make some changes.

A short drive to the nearby AEON outlet helped us to get some stuffs.

After an hour of quick work we managed to create a better scenario from before.

Tomorrow a plumber and serviceman have been appointed to do more work. We'd supervise of course.

One would wonder why our character is termed as the fairy stepfather and not the evil stepfather.

Simply because he has stopped being evil. It could be a temporary breakthrough. He might reappear but i doubt we're going to give him the opportunity.

I often wonder how lucky we have been to stand where we are now. The changes just happened with the help of some good Samaritans, lawmakers and a bit of luck.

 While dusting, cleaning and dumping dust filled blankets and towels into the unused washing machine we listened to the radio.

There was this Happy Father's Day advertisements being repeated on and off.

It was a lovely coincidence.

We threw away old pillows. Replaced them with new ones. We also got a new blanket and comforter.

Once the room got completed fairy stepfather walked in and commented, "Hey, I'm no longer that angry man!"

Then the other coincidence sank in. I must say all of us had a good laugh!! ;)

உன்னை துறந்த எனக்கு எதையும் துறக்க முடியும்.

திடீரென ஒரு ஞாபகம். அந்த பெட்டி. அதில் இருந்த அந்த உடல். மெய் சிலிர்த்து நின்றேன். கண்கள் கலங்கின.

இந்த வலி ஒரு நாள் முற்றும் தொலைந்து போகும் என்று  நம்பினேன். அப்படி நடந்ததாக தெரியல.

இறப்பு மட்டும் துன்பத்தை கொடுப்பது இல்லை. பொறுப்புக்கள், உறவுகள் எதிர்ப்பார்ப்புக்கள், ஏமாற்றங்கள் இவைகள் எல்லாம் துன்பத்தைத் தரும்.

துன்பத்தில் இருந்து தப்பிக்க துறவறம் நல்ல வழினு நிறைய யோசித்து இருக்கிறேன். அதுவும் உண்மை இல்லை.

பொறுப்புக்களை துறக்க முடியாது.
உறவுகளையும் துறக்க முடியாது.
எதிர்ப்பார்ப்புக்களைத் துறக்கலாம் அதனால் ஏமாற்றங்கள் துறந்து போகும்.

இதில் நான் கண்டு பிடித்தது என்னவென்றால்;
உன்னை துறந்த எனக்கு எதையும் துறக்க முடியும், உயிர் உட்பட பெரிதாக தெரியல.

உபபிரதி 1 - translation BOX :- SHOBASAKTHI

Naachiyaar, the Liberation Tigers' female warrior had been arrested alive by the military force during battle. Those days, the military force  purposefully targetted the Tigers' female fighters during attacks. At the point of arrest, prisoner Naachiyaar was barely 15. During custody, she was carried from one barrack to another by the soldiers. She was abused for two whole days. There were two big sores at the place of her nipples. She was lying in a semi conscious state within the sandy confinement of the military guardhouse, attempting to cover her pubic area, groaning in pain, in vain.

On the dawn of the third day, a young officer splashed sea water on her face. The pain which sprouted from the salt water hitting the bruised spots of her face made her writhe and wriggle. At that moment the officer shed his clothes, knelt beside her and sat down. He lifted her and laid her on his lap. He stared into her eyes. Her eyes drooped. He forced open her lids. He wanted her to observe his nudity. Her lips twitched at the sight. She opened her mouth and twirled her tongue slowly. "Amma" she moaned. Her tears wet the soldier's nudity.

On the third evening, the soldiers made her naked state stand upright on a dune. The fact that she could stand was astounding. The army force lined behind her while Naachiyaar stood facing the narrowed edge of Nanthikkadal. On the other side stood her people. She probably hoped that she would be able to make an escape to the other side. She gave a sharp look towards the opposite end. There, Naatchiyaar saw her people hovering restlessly. She stood immobile. At that moment, a torrent of Sinhalese speech burst through a hailer towards the Tigers.

                     "We have just skinned a Tiger. If you want to know about our manliness, you can ask her."

Upon hearing these words, the little girl spread her fingers to cover her pubic area and bosom. A moment of happiness sparkled from within. She felt peace realising that her folks now knew she was standing there. She did not doubt for a moment that the hailer's sound might have not reached across. She could see the tormented people attempting means to save her. She could also hear Tigers making announcements to those desperate people. The Tigers could see this little girl clearly, through a set of binoculars. They were consumed by indescribable rage and anger. Anguished tears filled their eyes.

The soldiers' obscenities and teasing slapped her ears. Across, the Tigers' vehicles were appearing and disappearing at an amazing rate. The water area was only a few hundred metres' distance. She decided to get into the water and try to walk across. It did not matter to her that the army might shoot her from the back. She did not mind, as she believed  her body would drift towards her land. With death she thought that her naked body will finally be engulfed and wrapped with the magnificent red, yellow flag of the Tigers. Dusk was slowly approaching. The moon was climbing upwards, out of the sea.

She waited for more darkness to fall. She did not want her nudity to be fully exposed to her people. She was waiting to wade across the lake water in darkness. If she made it alive to her land, Naachiyaar vowed to visit her mother immediately.

Darkness descended to a certain level yet she could still decipher the outlines of people from across. At that moment, she heard the Tiger's General's shout of order to attack. Two Tamil Tiger fighters got into the lake waters.The soldiers from this side took their charge in between shouting and screaming. The soldiers' attention was fully focused on the approaching Tiger soldiers. No one seemed to notice Naachiyaar.

The two tigers who walked into the waters got into a motored small canoe. As the lake was shallow, the canoe moved in a slow, transcendental movement. When the canoe reached midway of the lake, the general shouted his orders. The soldiers ran and slouched flat on the grounds copying the flight of a sea crow. Naachiyaar could understand all the movements of the soldiers. She also knew that when the Tigers' canoe closed in, the soldiers had strong arrangements to crush them.She raised her voice to alert a warning to the forward moving Tigers. She believed her hoarse voice would be carried by the wind . "Go back", she shouted. The wind carried her voice along its way.

The Tigers' canoe slowed down as it reached the centre point of the lake and came to a complete standstill. With half closed eyes, Naachiyaar heaved a sigh of relief . Her bruised naked body felt consoled with the tender blowing of the evening sea breeze. The canoe which stood still, made a semicircle turn with a roaring tone. The Tiger fighter climbed up and stood with legs planted firmly on the front of the canoe. The other fighter carried an RPG rocket launcher and gave it to him. The Tiger fighter fixed the launcher carefully on his shoulders.

The soldiers dived and slumped into the man made holes. Those standing guard high up on security towers leaped down to the ground and slouched inside the holes. The Tiger fighter aimed and fired the rocket. His aim did not miss. Naachiyaar who stood on the dune blew up into particles. Her nudity was now consumed by the enraged flames.

The Tigers canoe fled with unbelievable speed towards the other side. The soldiers ploughed the lake with numerous bombs. However, both the Tiger fighters reached the banks without a scratch. The fighter who launched the rocket collapsed tiredly on the bank while the other sat motionless beside him with an empty, expressionless stare. With chest heaving up and down, the one lying on the sand patted his friend's hand, while looking at the sky and said:

"We must inform Naachiyaar's mother that her daughter had just died a heroic death" Hot tears were streaming down his cheeks.

The one seated beside him whispered softly, "I'm not coming!"