Oh Jantung Hati 2009

En Sami menolak cermin matanya dari hujung hidung sambil meneliti kertas di hadapannya. Beliau menggaru dahi lalu berdeham dan mula bercakap. 

"Amma, ada sesuatu yang buruk mungkin berlaku kepada suami awak. Keadaan sekarang menunjukkan kemungkinan dia mendapat serangan jantung sebelum hujung tahun hadapan."

Saya mengangguk-angguk kepala menunjukkan tanda faham. 

"Apakah yang perlu saya lakukan, aiyah? Saya bertanya kepadanya. 

Sekiranya saya menyampaikan maklumat ini kepada suami pasti dia akan mentertawakan saya kerana dia tidak percaya akan tilikan nujum. 

Walau bagaimanapun saya sedar memang boleh berlaku sesuatu yang tidak diingini kerana suami saya seorang yang mengamalkan cara hidup hedonistik dan sedentari. 

Juga wujud tabiat negatif seperti merokok, minum arak dan makan nasi goreng kambing dengan kopi ais. Kombo yang pasti boleh mengancam kesihatan jantung. 

Kebetulan apabila saya pulang pada hari itu, suami sedang sakit kepala yang agak teruk. Cadangan saya agar pergi melawat doktor keluarga diterima. 

Doktor mendapati tekanan darah tinggi mencapai angka 200. Surat rujukan diberi untuk membuat pemeriksaan lebih lanjut di Institut Jantung Negara (IJN). (Atas cadangan saya melalui telefon sebelum suami sampai ke klinik.)

Selepas beberapa minggu, saya meneruskan aktiviti seharian yang agak sibuk. Pada masa itu, keempat-empat anak sedang belajar. Saya sendiri mengajar 13 subjek di sebuah sekolah di Ampang pada sesi petang. Hidup saya cukup sibuk dan saya sudah lupa akan surat rujukan ataupun lawatan ke hospital oleh suami. 

Di sekolah, kami tidak dibenarkan menggunakan telefon semasa pengajaran dan pembelajaran. Sedang saya mengajar Pendidikan Muzik di kelas 3B tiba-tiba kelihatan kerani di muka pintu. 

"Cikgu, ada panggilan dari IJN. Mereka perlu tandatangan cikgu untuk urusan pembedahan." Kata kerani kepada saya. 

Sayapun terus mengambil telefon lalu menelefon suami. Katanya, angiografi menunjukkan ada sekatan sebesar biji sawi dalam saluran darah utama dan perlu dilakukan endarterektomi untuk memasukkan tiub besi ke dalam saluran darah. 

Sebenarnya saiz sekatan sangat kecil dan doktor sendiri tertanya-tanya bagaimana suami telah bercadang untuk melakukan rawatan tanpa simptom sakit jantung. 

Tandatangan saya pula diperlukan kerana pihak IJN baru sedar bahawa sebagai suami kepada seorang kakitangan kerajaan dia layak mendapat rawatan percuma di IJN. 

 Selepas endarterektomi suami pulang ke rumah dan memulakan kehidupan baharu. Pertama kali dalam hidupnya dia bersenam dan cuba mempraktikkan gaya hidup. 

Walaupun ilmu nujum ataupun astrologi dianggap ilmu pseudosains dan bercanggah dengan kaedah  saintifik namun amaran yang diberi telah saya pergunakan secara berwaspada untuk mengambil jalan penyelesaian terbaik. 

From My Point of View.

She had a perfect childhood. Why is she behaving the way she is now? How can a child raised with the best of the best be nothing but the best? 

I might say the same but ... 

You beg to differ? Didn't you feel that she's fast becoming a spoiled brat. Grandparents always spoil children!

Grandparents gave her the best. She had the best. However, I'd say she had the worst 9 months before she peeked the outside world. 

I don't understand. 

I didn't too but as i revisited my development stages in life, i revisited hers too. In fact i revisited all my children's levels of sufferings. 

Revisited. Can you really do that? 

Yes. Erikson's development theories explain what virtue a child should achieve at which stage. Looking at it reminded me of the self treatment i used to do for myself during my recuperation from depression. 

Self treatment as in? 

I have a friend. Maattaaji Shivapriya. She taught me how to meditate. Then to revisit the painful areas of my past. 

Interesting.

Not really. It was scary. It seemed so real the first time that i sleepwalked that particular night. 

Gosh! You sleepwalk? 

I used to when i was 12. Then it disappeared somewhere along the years, i cannot remember when. 

Then, what happened. 

I revisited the yesteryears a few times. Each time i did, i tried to look at the incidents as a witness and focused on feeling unaffected. 

Did it work? 

It did. Very well. They call it 'poornattuva'. The cleansing from the roots. 

Poornattuva. Sounds very vedic. 

It is. Probably from one of the Vedas. I haven't had the chance to explore that yet. 

How does it connects to the child? 

My revisiting, brought me to all my pregnancies. I had 12. Eight of them miscarried. The four pregnancies were full of fear of miscarriages. 

That must have been frightening. 

It was. I feared going to the bathroom for fear of witnessing blood on the floor. 

Hmmm. That affected your child?

Not only that. Although i had the best in laws who gave me the best care, i had no time to appreciate nor be grateful for them. 

Oh!

I led a miserable life. I felt neglected. I used to hit my head against the wall. I starved myself whenever i was angry. I cried buckets and buckets of tears. 

You feel that could have impacted your children? 

They each had a different infliction. I know they have the damages within. One different from another. 

Your youngest?

Girl. I think throughout my pregnancy, i carried a sense of unfulfillment. I was always angry with my husband. He was never there. 

Hmm. Men!

Everyone around me was applying for long distance studies. I did too. Although I was pregnant, I thought it could be a good diversion. 

Yes, I guess it would. 

Even the degree was a frustration. I didn't feel his support. He just minded his business. I felt alone. There could be 200 people around me but unless he's there, i felt alone. Which was almost always.

That must have been difficult. 

Erikson developed theories from afterbirth. I believe the development starts from the womb. 

That's possible. 

Degree progressed. I attended classes simply because i had to. Nothing was interesting. Everything was just a must. Sleep was disturbed. Mind always a turmoil. 

Poor you. 

Hmm. Now I think, poor the children. This youngest girl had a more traumatizing exit. 

Oh! How?

I was at the peak of irritation. If i had a gun i might have shot people. If i had a knife, ...

Hmm ...

Everyone was busy shopping, baking cookies, cleaning for Deepavali. I was 40 weeks pregnant. Angry all the time. 

(Silence)

I did what i could with my two older daughters. Most of the time, i was irritated with their demands. My back hurt. My feet swollen. 

Gosh!

It was four days before Deepavali. I was already tired of waiting up for him almost everyday. That day, he came back soaked. It was raining. Apparently, he fell from the bike. He was tipsy. 

(Silence)

I flew into a rage. I screamed and i cried. I stopped talking to him then. I carried a silent, cold war. Little did i imagine that things were going to take the drastic turn. 

Hmm. 

It was Deepavali eve. We expected him to be late. He was never on time. There was always an excuse. But that day, he never came. They brought him the next day in a coffin. 

I'm really sorry. 

Road accident. The next few days were the height of grief. I couldn't cry. Silent tears came and went. I was in a debate with God. 

Hmm.

Three days later, i went for a Caesar's section to deliver her. That three days were horrible, grey days for me. 

I can imagine. 

Now, turn the tables. Imagine the state of that foetus within? How would it have felt? All that damages are exploding now. 

How do you rectify it? 

Time will tell. I believe in the system. I believe in God. I believe i can create changes. 

Good luck to you. 

Thank you. :)

Masters and me

 I received word that I've qualified to do my masters. 

When i started my degree, I was five months pregnant with my youngest daughter. I remember queueing up alone outside the university. 

I had backaches, I was nauseous yet i persevered through the registration and went back home. The first semester, was the start of a lesson. 

The horror of all horrors happened. My husband died. In a road accident. Initially, I was wondering how I'd manage first semester finals and delivery at the same time. After the tragedy, it didn't matter anymore.   

Four days later, I went through a Caesar's section and delivered my youngest daughter. Two weeks later was my finals.  

I juggled school, children and household issues. The  mind, i left alone. Let it juggle, let it frustrate, let it grumble. I didn't care. 

Looking back, I don't remember enjoying the university experience. I don't recall getting excited with assignments nor waiting anxiously for my results. 

Everything was a vague difficult ride. Depression hit me soon after. In the midst of recovering, I retired. Life has been just sailing past. Kids grew up and went their way. 

I got bored with routine. Out of the blue, I decided to further my studies. Naturally, everyone suggested, Masters in English or Literature. 

I decided on psychology. Then, it got narrowed to counseling. I applied and I'd be starting soon. What am i going to do with it? 

Firstly, I want to do it properly. I want to enjoy studying. I want to relish getting good marks. I want to be studious. I want to complete everything without a flaw. Then, I'd decide what's to become of me. :)

Disappointments

Have I been disappointed? Yes, I was disappointed when Jayan didn't come home. I was more shattered when he arrived in a coffin. 

I've always been disappointed that the kids never understood me. 

One of the biggest disappointments was when i was left behind for my daughter's MBBS graduation. After all the hard work, I never got to celebrate the big day. 

The most unfair situation which made me devastatingly disappointed was when they forgot to be grateful and kept hurtling harsh statements. 

I tried to understand and figured out ways to digest these disappointments. I might not have mastered it but I've decided to manage all the frustrations just like how I've managed everything so far. 

I think one day, I'd like to stand tall and prove silently that I'm awesome. I hope to read this again in the future and perhaps quote that I've succeeded. 

This is a record of who was who. 

A typical story

I was on cloud nine. Everything was perfect. The room temperature. My pillows soft and comforting. My quilt the ideal cocoon. Wrapping me in haven. From a distance, i heard that disturbing sound. The volume kept increasing until it was a big pain in the ears. I squeezed my eyes shut. Yet the annoying blare continued. It was the alarm. My thought was, why was it ringing? Breaking that magical spell. Abruptly,  alertness crept in. Gosh! It was the school's prize giving day and I was performing in the mini orchestra. Practice starts in exactly half an hour. I could already hear Mrs Mag repeating the holy mantra, practice makes perfect. Early birds catch the worm.

I jumped into the shower and got ready. Carrying my trumpet, I headed to the bus stop. 

Kenangan lama from 1/10/14

Fikiranku melayang ke beberapa bulan yang lalu. Apakah betul segala yang telah aku lalui? 

Aku berhenti berehat. Aku duduk di kerusi sandar. Berehat.

Rupi sibuk membuat sesuatu sambil menjenguk ke luar rumah. 

Dari tempatku bersandar, aku cuba membaca apa yang tertera di dalam suratkhabar. Fikiranku kurang tenteram. Sakit belakangku menjadi-jadi. Semakin hari berlalu, semakin aku hilang sabar untuk bersalin. 

Tiba-tiba terdengar bunyi deruman motosikal. 

Si Rupi dengan sepantas kilat berlari ke arah meja makan. Disambarnya cawan perak berisi air dan terus memecut ke arah pintu pagar. Dia tercungap-cungap menunggu ayahnya turun dari motorsikal. Dia menghulurkan air sambil tersipu-sipu senyum. Si ayah terus meneguk air dan terus mengangkat Si Rupi. Dia didakap dan dilontar serta ditangkap. Si Rupi begitu gembira dan ketawa dengan kuat. 

Aku duduk dan memandang kerenah mereka dengan terpegun. Pandangan Si Dia pada Rupi begitu penuh dengan kasih sayang. Lantaran, pandangan sebegitu memang jarang sekali diberkati ke arahku. 

Mereka melangkah masuk. 

Aku mencelah. " hai,tolong cuci kaki sebelum masuk! Datang dari luar, terus mengangkat anak, tak elok! 

Tak aku sedari, leteran aku itu suatu gangguan suasana indah yang telah terbina antara Si Rupi dan ayahnya. 

Dengan cepat dia hendak menurunkan Si Rupi tetapi sikecil mencengkam kolar t'shirt sambil menggeleng kepalanya. 

Merekapun bersama-sama keluar lalu mencuci kaki. 

Si ayah berbaring di ruang tamu. Rupi turut barbaring sambil memeluk ayahnya. Celotehnya tidak berhenti-henti. 

Cukup indah dipandang. Rindu ingin dibelai menusuk jiwa. Kemungkinan besar ibu mertuaku akan jatuh pengsan sekiranya perkara sebegitu berlaku. 

                                                   ##################### 

Sakit belakangku mengejutkan aku kembali ke masa kini. 

Suasana sekeliling amat tidak menyenangkan. 

Bunyi tangisan mereka yang masuk silih berganti menjenguk jenazah mendiang tidak berhenti-henti. 

Bagi mereka itu sesuatu yang mesti. Tanggungjawab setiap pelawat yang perlu menangis sekuat hati untuk menunjukkan duka mereka amat menyakitkan hatiku. Tangisan kuat itu bagai menegaskan keadaan yang amat buruk yang menimpa diriku ini.

Hatiku meraung sekuat-kuat yang terdaya tetapi bunyi tangisan tidak melepasi bibirku. Apakah perkara sebegini harus berlaku padaku di saat dan ketika ini? Mustahil Tuhan yang Maha ESA, yang aku puja siang dan malam telah menghampakan aku sebegini!

Bilakah segala ini akan berakhir? 

                                                   ##################### 

Peristiwa tiga hari sebelumnya juga menusuk fikiranku. Si Dia pulang dalam keadaan kurang stabil. Setiap langkah diambil diikuti dengan bunyi menahan sakit. Pakaiannya basah. 

Aku mendapati dia sukar melucutkan pakaiannya. Akupun pergi untuk membantunya. Aku mendapati tangan dan kakinya berdarah. Rupa-rupanya, dia jatuh dan cedera ringan. 

Kemarahan aku memuncak. Aku menolongnya dan terus bergerak masuk ke bilik tidur. Sungguh kurang bertanggungjawab. Bilakah dia ini akan berubah? Langsung tidak memikirkan diriku yang sarat mengandung. Kerapkali pulang dalam keadaan menjengkelkan ini.

 Aku memaksa diriku untuk tidur. Aku tidak menghindarkan dia langsung. Makan atau tidak aku tidak peduli. Kemarahan aku umpama api gunung berapi. 

Kemanakah kemarahan itu telah membawaku kini? Rasa kesal memenuhi diriku. Aku mual mengenang ego diriku. Sesal dahulu pendapatan... 

                                                   ##################### 

Kenangan semalam menyerbu masuk ke mindaku. Si Dia bersedia untuk pergi ke kerja. Aku langsung tidak menghindarkannya.

 Keesokan harinya merupakan perayaan Diwali. Ego di dalam kepala umpama tempurung kelapa tua. Tidak ku ketahui pada ketika itu ego ini akan menjadi pengajaran paling besar bagi diriku. 

Si Ruby seperti biasa berdiri di pintu melambai-lambai sambil memberi pesanan kepada ayahnya supaya pulang awal. Masih terbayang pandangan terakhir Si dia yang melemparkan senyuman  ke arah Rupi. 

                                                   ##################### 

Pada petang hari yang sama, kami menunggu di rumah. Menanti bunyi deruman motosikal. Masa semakin pantas bergerak. Sudah pukul 8 malam. 

Si Rupi memberi cadangan supaya kami pergi mencari Si Dia. Daripada membuang masa di rumah aku pun bersetuju. Dalam keadaan sarat, perut yang besar menyentuh stering kereta, akupun keluar bersama Rupi dan Uma. 

Kami meronda mencari di kebanyakan tempat dia berlepak. Tiada nampak bayangnya pun. Selepas penat mencari aku mencadangkan agar kami pulang sahaja. 

Si Rupi begitu kecewa kerana tidak dapat berjumpa ayah kesayangannya. Uma selamba kerana sudah biasa melihat kerenah Si Bapa. Apabila kami sampai ke rumah, hari sudah lewat malam. Rasa lapar sudah hilang kerana penat dan kecewa. 

Ada beberapa buah kereta menunggu di luar rumah. Hatiku amat bergelora. Pasti berita kurang baik. Firasat memaklumkan naluri,  tragedi sudah menimpa, tetapi minda masih berdebat, 

menidakkan segala bisikan. 

Aku bertanya pada saudara menunggu, apakah yang telah terjadi. Tiada jawapan diberi. Akupun bergegas masuk menelefon adikku di kampung. 

Apa yang aku takuti telah terjadi. Si Dia kemalangan. Meninggal di dalam ambulans. Dalam perjalanan ke hospital. Malang!

 Aku menjadi sejuk dan senyap. Tiada ucapan selamat tinggal. Salahku juga. Egoku tidak membenarkan aku mengucapkan selamat jalan.

 Aku kehilangan peluang memberi ucapan selamat jalanku yang terakhir. Salah siapa? Salah dia dan salahku juga. 

                                                   ##################### 

 Hari ini hari Diwali menjadi hari terakhir kami menatap muka Si Dia. Aku meraung di dalam hati tetapi senyap di luar. Aku berasa marah, padanya, pada diriku.

 Aku ingin memegang kakinya dan meminta ampun kerana aku bersalah menunjukkan kemarahanku padanya. Aku bersalah kerana kurang sabar menahani kelemahan suami. 

Hari terakhir telahku baziri dengan ego dan kemarahanku. Tanpa diberi pelukan manja. 

Segala-galanya aku salahkan ego. Tetapi ego itupun diriku juga. Aku bersalah. 

Hari berlalu, segala upacara berjalan. Aku bersalin. Hidup kami berterusan. Tetapi, aku sudah berubah buat selama-lamanya. Hidupku juga berubah. 

                                                   ##################### 

Kereta yang dipandu terus ku letak di hadapan rumah. Belum sempat aku turun, Si Rupi terus berlari ke arah kereta. Dia menolong aku membawa barang-barangku masuk ke dalam. 

Aku terus melabuhkan punggung ke atas sofa di ruang tamu. Rupi pula membawa segelas teh untukku. Walaupun ada pembantu rumah, aku selalu dilayan oleh Rupi dengan sebaik-baiknya. 

Sudah hampir 20 tahun sejak tragedi  itu menimpa kami. Kami masih meneruskan hidup sebaik mungkin. Kehilangan besar dalam hidup kami telah menjadikan aku dan anak-anak lebih tabah dan sabar.

 Pengajaran terbesar bagi diriku? Ego dan ketidaksabaran diri amat tidak perlu dalam hidup. Perjalanan hidup ini amat singkat. Harus dipergunakan dengan sebaik-baiknya. 

                                                   ##################### 

                                                                      Tamat

It is alright to die

Sometimes, I get a glimpse of something very weird.

Weird as in?

I feel a weakening. A weakness. A kind of dizziness. Then a funny kind of pain.

Oh! Is that bad? Is something wrong with you?

I can't be sure. Maybe something is wrong. Its quite a weird feeling. I don't know how to explain it.

Are you ill?

I think so. The dizziness pulls me into a hole. The clenching pain.. It is quite tricky.

Are you afraid?

Afraid? Afraid of what? Death?

Yea, death.

Nope. I'm not afraid of death. I'm curious on how I'm going to end. There's nothing to be afraid about. Only...

Only?

I wish that my death could wait till my parents leave. I think I'd not want them to be miserable about losing me.

I never thought of death in this manner. To follow a hierarchy.

Fate has its schedule. Still one can hope and wish.

I don't know what to say, truly.

Don't say anything. It is really alright to die.

Gosh, I'd be distraught truly.

 Please don't be. When i die, people shouldn't be miserable about it. No one should grieve. No one's life should stop in midair. Life must continue. I accept death  wholeheartedly. It would be a good break from the hard life. A rest in peace. 🙏🏾🙏🏾💐

hello

hello, where have you been?

hello. i have been busy with work. i was in a big project. its finally over.

you've been missing for quite a while. i've been looking for you.

to be honest i've been a wee bit lazy. when i'm free i preferred lying on my lounger and read books. i felt tired and uninspired to write.

oh, why? i've been looking for a new entry from you. please don't stop writing. are you having a mental block or something?

not really. the mind is always telling me stories. the knapsack on my back is running in one corner. there are other stuff which continuously nag behind my mind. i've just not been moving.

are you depressive again?

perhaps i am. it seems to be inborn. it's triggered by unhappiness, grief and sadness.

ha ha those are all the same.

nope, they're not. unhappiness is went someone yells at me. grief is when i lost my aunt. sadness is something which is always inside of me. maybe it's from the past. it's just there all the time. at times it would reappear. knock on my heart's wall and mark its attendance.

hmm. your words are really colorful.

yea, i guess that's inborn too. it just comes flowing from my mind.

well, i have to go now. please write something. for me.

sure, sure. today can be the warm up. i'd reset my time table to my daily, hourly writing sessions.

thank you so much. bye

pleasure is mine. see you again.

dog's tail

I think you spoke too soon.

You think?

Yea, I heard him shout. At you. Then, behind you.

Behind me?

Hmmm.. He kept condemning you. He said the block in the heart was your doing? You cheated him.

What do you think?

From my observation, you are the only person coming to visit him. You are bringing him the food and fruit.

Yes. His parents are not in top form to run here and there! There's no one to help him so I came. Out of compassion. End of day, I am his family. My son is his only heir.

I heard you sponsored him to this hospital?

Yes, he's my beneficiary, so he's entitled to first class treatment in all government based hospital.

Yet he's ungrateful!

Why do you say so?

He seemed quite angry with you. Ungrateful. He was badmouthing you to all the ward staff.

That's something he does often. He seemed to believe it too. He's frustrated so he's venting it all out. I'm not bothered by it all. I just do my duty.

If I were you, I'd just leave him on his own and live my life.

Let him be the evil self. I just prefer to do what is right. It's his right to spit his frustration out. I can digest it all.

But there are people who are cursing you. Who believe you are the reason he's sick!

:) I'm not the least worried nor bothered about people's opinion. I'm quite clear on my conscience that I am doing nothing but good for him, even if he's all bad to me. It doesn't really matter what he thinks, I'm living a good, busy life. There are things I will never compromise. I will never go live with him. I will never become the sacrificial goat and so no one can ever hurt me in any way. I'm immune to a lot of things. That include people's speculations and assumptions.

Hmmm. I really hope all becomes well for you.

Don't worry. It is already well and fine. I believe no one can straighten the dog's tail. My grandma always said that. Let everyone be themselves. I will be like the wind. Free, unrestrainable, happy and unpolluted.

soul's mate

I feel anxious.

Why is that? What's wrong now?

Nothing! The anxiety just comes on its own. For no reason.

I'm sorry if I hurt you in anyway. I know I have been a little harsh on you these few months.

Hmmm. I don't think it's you. Remember I had that disorder? Maybe I still have it.

Ohh! Is that possible? I thought you recovered fully.

Well, the damage is done. It's like a broken glass bowl. No matter how good a glue you use to stick it all on, the cracks will still remain. It might even leak!

Gosh! I really feel bad now for being hard on you. Turning my back from you. Refusing to help you. Minding my own business! That was totally selfish of me.

Please don't blame yourself. Though recovery is slow, I have discovered some things. Every bad thing that happens has a remedy in it. You removing yourself from my circle is a sprout to your independence. You cannot latch on to me forever. It is good that you detached yourself from me.

But I don't want to! We should always stick together. That's what family is for.

I beg to differ. We are born single! We die single! Why do we need to get attached throughout our life? I realised some time ago that there is a reason why things happen. Remember all those kids I am caring for?

Yes...

You know they're all baby birds waiting for wings to grow? The second their wings are full, I'd let them fly away. There will come a time I will be just on my own. Enjoying my personal space, my freedom.

Wouldn't that be terribly boring? I remember you as an exciting jovial person.

I guess everyone has a phase of friendship. A search for love. At one point destiny would definitely win. I understand my destiny now.

Which is?

A connection with my soulmate.

Ahah! So there is a soulmate?

Of course. The mate is right within my soul. Me! I am my soulmate. There are so many things I don't know about myself. I'm slowly unraveling myself.

You scare me, really. Are you becoming insane?

I have never been saner. When your father died, I thought that was the end for me. In truth, it was the beginning of that journey to discover that I am meant to be alone, to find myself. To attain this blissful solitude.

I guess you gave up on happiness because he died!

It's not like that. My mind, my body and my heart have detached myself from a lot of things. I no longer seek for materialistic pleasures. I can just sit alone in silence, listening to my own breathing, feeling one with my inner self.

You're really scaring me. Did you become like this because you were too heartbroken, because he left?

No! I think he left to let me discover myself. No prince charming would have remained. No children will latch on my side. Everyone will have to go their separate ways. So that I am the liberated self.

I don't really understand what you are saying but I will leave you to your decision simply because i respect it. I do feel a little guilty that perhaps my behaviour towards you have made you this way.

Please don't blame yourself. Whatever that happened, happened for the best. I am very busy now. and perhaps for the next three to five years.

Hmm, those underpriviliged kids. You feel more for them than for any of us.

Not really. These kids they're not well equipped to fend for themselves in this crazy, selfish world. I'm merely arming them with some important self defensive tactics. So that they can survive. Raising all of you was so easy as you were all smart kiddos.

As long as you don't regret what you're doing.

There's nothing to regret. This moment is well spent. Each well spent moment makes life almost perfect. Except for this anxiety attacks, life is close to perfect.

Perhaps this will help you. I found this in the cupboard. Wrapped carefully. Your favourite 'kaili'. I remember this was a great comfort for you.

Oh! That's very kind of you. It might be of some comfort. There's no harm in trying. Thank you for the kindness.

You're welcome. Please at any time if you need any one of our help, don't hesitate to call.

Of course. I'd keep that in mind. Thank you again.

Epidemics

Oh my God! Your house smells like a hospital. Why, you even look like a surgeon. With your green mask and all!

Hmm. We're in the midst of an epidemic. So I'm busy sterilizing the place. It's contagious. 5 out of 8 kids are down with vomiting.

How come it's spreading that a way. Didn't you take precautions. You know when kids vomit we should disinfect area with either antiseptic, salt water or hot water?

Well, they're not too smart. When they started throwing up, they quietly did it in the toilet and settled in. Those who used the toilet after them got infected. Another girl did not know how to throw up in a proper manner. She did it all over and thus..

That's why, I always told you Miss. Why in the world you want to bring all these street people into your house? They really don't know how to use their brains. You should send them away to wear they belong. We can't change them much. You know the saying, you cannot straighten the dog's tail.

Oh, really? How come when the same children win in competitions no one says these kinds of things? Everyone joins in and rejoices. When this girl won first in the coloring competition why did we take part in the victory? The little boy, was champion of the singing event. All of us were jumping in joy. Taking pride in his victory. What's so different now?

Perhaps you're right but they create so much trouble for you.

It is trouble I agree but i do believe they can soon be trained.

I applaud your belief. Please do tell me if you need any help. You need only ask Miss.

For starters, you can sit and talk to them about hygiene processes during illness. Will be a great help for me.

Sure. I will do it. I'm glad to be of help and I'm sorry i jumped into the wrong drain just now.

Don't worry about it. 

Dreamhouse

A few years ago, someone asked me about retirement. I replied immediately that I love my job and cannot think of such a thing.

But you retired!

Yes, while planning the retirement another person asked me how I'm going to live my life after that.

And..

I remember telling her that I would get a small apartment. It would be really small, with a bath and kitchen attached.

You mean a studio apartment!

Yes. I only wanted a few pots and pans. Some cups and saucers. A moderate refrigerator. Electric stove.

Hmmm..

It must be on the second floor so that I have to walk a bit to get there. With a simple windy staircase. I would live alone. Occasionally entertaining limited friends. But..

But..

See how I am now. Nothing happened that way at all.

You're in an apartment.

Yes, and it's three times bigger than what I imagined it to be.

It is in the second floor.

Hmm true but I'm not alone at all. 8 children.  I think this is the messiest house in town.

Well it doesn't matter.  I envy you. Look at your days. All of you are bustling from dawn to dusk. I can see you're having a lot of fun.

We're.  I am. But it's not easy. It takes a lot of work.

Yes, I can see that. Isn't it fun to be busy like this?

Probably so. Sometimes I get so tired. Then suddenly someone achieves something and my tiredness vanishes.  It's replacedby an energy.  Jubilation. Victorious energy.

Aren't you lonely?

Lonely! Sometimes I do imagine how it would be if I had a soul mate, someone to do everything with! I used to think Jayan reappearing a changed man. Dancing to my every tune. Fulfilling all my wishes.

I see..

Then I'd remember the many deceptions and the many lies. The waiting around the hours till eyes were dry. I got no answers for all his nonsense.  Huhuh, no thanks. I don't think I want to relive that hellhole again.

Perhaps there is someone out there!

Yes, of course there is. There is the cosmic power with His cosmic law. He protects.  He loves. At the precipice He would send a solution, a saviour. A child to be changed. A soul to be salvaged.

You're happy with this?

Yes, I am. This is not how it would be forever.  A few more years and there will be glorious alone days. With my books. With myself.

You're looking forward to it.

I am working towards it.

I wish you all the best.  To get what you want.

And I thank you for that.  ☺

Companion

I am very lonely. Will you be my companion?

Companion? Why? Aren't you with a family?

I do. They're so faraway. My wife is old.

You are old too!

Ah, but I'm a man! That makes a difference.

Oh! How is that? Did you ask your wife whether she's lonely or not?

Well, the kids are there with her. We never have these kinds of conversation back home. Nobody talks about private matters. I instruct and she follows. That's about it.

Hmm. Typical chauvinism I'd say.

I don't understand that word.

It's okay you don't really have to  understand that particular word. Why did you come here?

To earn some money. A friend came to my homeland and told me that everything is possible here. He made it sound as if money grows on trees, but...

You are discovering that it is not so now?

Things are very expensive here. I might earn more here but my expenses are much higher. I lived in a rent free house there, here the rent is a lot. End of the day, I'm not really able to send much to my home.

Why don't you go back then at least you will not be lonely.

Firstly, I have a contract here for two years, i cannot leave before that. Secondly, even back home I'm lonely. My family regards me as the provider. Everyone is quite afraid of me. I don't really treat anyone harshly but they have decided as head of the family i must be kept at a distance.

I see, perhaps when you go back this time, you can create a bonding.

That will not happen madam, they're not friendly. You're different. You're friendly. You're different. How do we say, enterprising! I like talking to you.

Hmm. Unfortunately, you got me all wrong. I'm just friendly to everyone. The minute I leave, you'd be out of my mind. It diverts to my next duty at hand.

Ohh!

Well, don't be so heartbroken. Getting friendly with me is not going to solve your problems. We're all God fearing people. We cannot hurt our family members with things like this. Jumping into any kind of relationship is not at all in my agenda.

I understand. I'm sorry I asked you in the first place.

Its okay my friend. When i drop by we can chat a bit. After all i do need to eat. I'd continue eating here every Monday without fail.

Why can't you come everyday? I'd give you a discount?

No, no. Discounts are no good. You must earn your rightful share and i don't want to get attached to any particular person, place or situation. I'm really sorry.

Please don't stop coming here. It's quite refreshing talking to you.

Sure. See you next week. Meanwhile be happy. Call your family. Talk to them on and off. Build a platform from here so that you can break all barriers once back home.

Alright. I will try that. Thanks.

Welcome my friend.

This awesome man

As he entered the car, I inhaled deeply. He still smelled the same!

Perfume?

Nope! It's just his scent. A very unique smell which i can recall as forever.

Oh! I really cannot remember anyone with that aspect.

Hmm. I watch him get in. He has slowed down. That strong, stubborn man is now quiet and often deep in thought.

Thoughts of?

I wouldn't know. Perhaps he's worried. Thinking about his ailments.

Or afraid!

Oh, no! Not afraid. Maybe he's reluctant to leave. Probably to leave behind the apple of his eye.

The sweet Chinmaiyi!

Yes. They're as close as can be. She'd say all the nicest things to him.

And him to her, I realise.

I remember him as strict as can be. Ruling the household. So many kids were there. My aunt's children and my uncles and cousins. We were all terrified of him.

Ahh! Now i understand why you do the things you do. You're like him.

Yes. I am very much like him. In many ways. Looking at him now, brings a little sorrowful pain into the heart.

Well, we cannot be selfish. No one lives forever.

Of course. And I'm thankful that I am lucky to have him till this day. I wish him all happiness in the time that's left. For my part, I'd do all my best for him in whichever way possible.

Yea, well let's make his days better and best.

Hmm, I'm glad to have this awesome man as my father. 

money

I see you at the bank. almost every day!

yea, it's the meetings to disperse bonds and drafts to the company. The legality of everything is quite stressful. 

Hmm. Now that money has come, what did you do with it?

Well, money came when I stopped wanting things. 

Come on, you can always travel, meet new people. Eat new stuff. Explore this beautiful world.

Right now, I am not really inclined to do anything. The first thing I did was to take some money and give it to some of my boys to go study in the university. 

How boring! Go stay in the Hyatts! Book a place near the sea. Live your life.

I agree, life is quite boring. Busy but boring. I sit in the 38th floor of the Hyatt and feel so out of place. The champagne they served tasted dull and bland. I don't remember which company I am keeping. Everything has become grey and bleak. 

But why? Are you heartbroken or something?

No! I've discovered there's nothing to this life except using every second to its best. I get up as early as 6 in the morning. I send kids to school. I've learned to cook for them. I teach them. I create costumes for them. We sing. We dance. We train. We perform. I am careful not to spoil them with luxurious stuff. 

You mean this is fun for you? 

I'm doing this not for fun. I'm creating better, responsible, independent children. I get satisfaction from this. I'm not sure why I'm doing this. Perhaps I'm training myself to be tough. Perhaps, I'm showing nature that I will inflict a hard lifestyle to remind myself of my loss and grief from the past.

Hmm, looks like you're in need of some love potion. an encounter perhaps!

Love is a myth. It is used by many people as a ploy to deceive people. I'm seeing various levels of destruction. All created in the name of love. I'd rather not get trapped in those sticky webs. Life is fine as it is. Leave me as I am. There's nothing anyone can do to change me. 

I hope you find happiness and peace. 

I am fine. Thank you for your concern. I wish you a great day. 

Thank you. I wish you the same.

My awesome date

I'm so excited. Life is suddenly super enthralling.

Hold your horses. Did you win a lottery or something?

Nooo.. Better than that. I met someone.

Ahh! Where did you meet him?

Fb! Of course. I rarely go out. My life is glorious. I have everything in my Fb.

Oh.. I don't know about that. I'm sure there's a lot of other things that we can do. Fb is such an idle thing.

What do you mean? Fb is sooo much fun.

I mean its just like watching TV. You don't move about. It's not like you're dancing or singing in it.

i can. i'm connected to the whole world. if i want i can sing via the messenger. dance to the songs from the FB. You were dancing away too right but you got bored and stopped.

I didn't stop because I got bored.

You stopped because Alexander left. Or perhaps Alexander left because you didn't give him face.

It wasn't like that. Dancing with Alexander was indeed magical. It's just that I found him disturbing. He was too charming and that spelled trouble.

trouble you say?

Yes. Look at Nisha and Pedro. They were good dancing partners. They became too close. Then one of them became too possessive. Not too long after that they fought here in public. It was quite embarassing.

Hmm, but you cannot assume that all relationships turn sour!

Actually, it does. Most of the relationship i see becomes sour after six to nine months. later, when the lovebirds are saddled with children, life becomes miserable.

Oh, come on. Children are gifts of God.

For many they are accidents. Mistakes that curb and congest their life.

I cannot agree with you. I for myself have found the love of my life. I intend to live happily with him forever.

Are you sure? Do you know where he lives in the first place?

Yea, I know. He's in Istanbul. I'm flying out to see him in two weeks.

Ohh! Please do be cautious! It is quite dangerous to do these kind of things nowadays.

Don't worry. My heart says that I'm going to be very happy.

Very well then, I wish you all the best.

I wish you too will give Alexander a chance and perhaps find happiness.

No, I guess my heart is elsewhere and it will never settle for a second best. I cannot string up a relationship just to fill my time.

Ah, well! That's just too bad then. I have to go.  See you again.

   

Misery

Very sad this doctor, very good man
How you can give him back his life again?

He went to see God Parti. Its not a bad thing.

All think like this is phobia. Where got go and see God? You think God don't have other work?

Hmm..

Easy for you to say. All my friends have died. First it was Joe. Then my brother, lawyer Mohan. Everyone dead! I have no one now.

I wish i could help you understand these things but i can't. You will not understand.

I am feeling sad. I wish you would come and make me feel happy.

I can't make you happy. Happiness is in you. Not in my hands.

If you hold my hands, I would be happy.

I'm not willing to hold your hands. I'm sorry. In fact, I don't want to hold anyone's hands.

At least, send my son. You send him to stupid places. You don't send him to me!

You ask me to bring him to your pub. He's 13 for heaven's sake. When he wants to come to you, you're never in the house!

I don't want him to come alone. I want you to come too.

I'm sorry. I can't do that. I have lots of work to do. You can always meet us. Outside. For lunch or dinner. When we're free.

You all got all the time to go singing class, drum class, karate class but no time to come see me.

Don't you understand, you can't force people to meet. You can't force people to do anything. The more you force the more you lose.

Okay, I don't force you. Please come home.

Please is another form of forcing too. Just do your work. If you find new friends that's good. Find things you like to do. Stop being possessive. Stop being jealous.

I can't stop anything. I wish you were dead then i can be happy.  I really hate to see you so free. So happy.

That's very noble of you, Parti. My life is not in my hands nor is it in yours. You cannot decide on that. We're family. As a family member, we're here for you, if you're unwell, call us. If you're hungry and need food, we can help you. But that's all there is to it.

I don't want anything from you. Just go away.

I can't do that too. We just need to hang around. Help each other. As it is, many people we know are dead now. There's no point in antagonizing anyone.

You are very smart. You use all the difficult words to confuse me. I don't want your philosophy. I just want my family back. I made a mistake. I realize you're an awesome person to lose. Please come back.

Hmmm. I wish i can do that. The freedom i have now is too precious to give up. I never want to be trapped in a relationship anymore. It's too big a trap. Like a bird with clipped wings. I'm sorry. We can be friends always.

You must be mad to think I'm going to say yes and accept your friendship offer!

Well that's the only offer i will make. Take it or leave it. I'm going to live what's left of this life to its best. Every second of my life is important. I'm going to live it well.

I don't know what to say.

Don't say anything, just be a friend. We can help each other.

No point. I am leaving you soon as possible all of you. I am going to rest. You got very experinse.

Yes Parti. Find your happiness. Rest. Its important. Once Ammu goes to work she will give you lots of money too.

I'd think about it for now.

That's a good start. Bye

Jayan

It was raining outside.

A lot of people were doing a lot of things.

Suddenly, that familiar sound of the motorbike.

It has been more than twenty years. Yet, I knew immediately he had actually arrived.

I walked up and down.

Peeked out to the verandah.

That motorbike was there.

Funny, it was locked in a tight red cage.

Weird.

Almost like a tiger's cage.

But, it didn't matter. He was actually here.

I quickened my steps and ran to the kitchen.

And there he was. Wet from the rain. Head to toe.

Hair plastered to his head.

Clad in a black T-shirt. Grey slacks.

I ran to him. You're all wet! I said.

I took the edge of my top and tried wiping his face.

The water kept flowing. Like the rain was on his face.

Where did you go? All these while?

Don't you know, I've been looking for you?

That beautiful eyes looked at me. That similar smile. Twinkle in the eyes.

Ohh! I remember it so well.

He just held out his hands and i slid into his arms.

It seemed like i have finally flown back into my nest.

I turned to grab a towel.

Returned to towel him dry. He was not there.

I heard his voice. Here, there and everywhere.

I ran and ran.

Where did he go?

With a heavy heart, I looked hard around me.

He was not there.

Adjusting my eyes to the darkness around. I tried searching for the motorbike.

Neither him nor it was there.

This is now. Another time another place.

Then, I realized it was just a dream.

That silly warm feeling still lingering, I got up and decided to start my day.

Logic always won. Not a minute to be wasted on nonexistent abstraction.

Life goes on.

Jupiter and I

Jupiter moved to the 7th house in Aries.

So, what's happening now?

A lot of good things I'd say.

For everyone?

No.. No..

For the Aries' and the Virgos, Cancerians, Leos, Capris and the Sagis.

How about the Librans?

I'd say Jupiter is going reverse in their minds. Causing wreck


Oh! Currently i am too in a wreck. I hate my mother and what she's doing. She's so irritating.

Why is it so? What is it that she's doing that's irritating you so much?

She's looking after kids in the name of charity cum business. What little she gets she uses to cultivate them. My space is congested. I hate all these.

Let me look at your horoscope.

You mean you can designate this from my horoscope?

Of course. Hmm.. Jupiter sits in your fourth house. The house of your mother, thus your irritation emanates from her. Is this something new that she's doing now?

Hmm. No. She has been doing it forever. Only now i feel its beyond toleration. I hate it all.

Its quite clear Jupiter is working on you. As you're an adult there are things that you can do.

Like?

Like moving out. You can rent a place with a friend. Get married and move out.

Well finance doesn't permit that yet.

Did you stop to think that you're actually irritated about your space in her zone?

Well... Come to think of it yes!

Anyway i will talk to her about this.

Please don't say i confessed all these to you.

My dear child, confrontation cannot be done in secrecy. If I'm confronting it has to be with honesty.

Oh, alright.

                                      ******

Vanakkam. Did you speak to her?

Yes.

And?

She said that what she's doing now is an important thing. Important in the sense that it gives her lots of satisfaction.

Hmm. Her satisfaction is more important than my mental peace?

My dear, you have to find your mental peace yourself in your way.

But she's my mother and its her responsibility.

Ah! No! After 21 your life is your responsibility. No one else's. She's done with all these. Now she's entitled to do what she likes.

Did she say that?

She said when any of her kids react adversely, its just a warning for her to step back and let her move on. She has to live her life. Many years have been wasted with illness, tragedy and pain. She feels that its time for her to live her life her way.

Hmm. Alright. I'd think about it.

Remember your policy. Never to harm anyone nor with words or action. Especially a mother. Hurting her is very negative to a child's growth.

Okay. I'd keep that in mind. Thank you for your advise.

You're welcome. March on. You have all my blessings.

Thank you. 

50 வயதில்

ரேவதி, ரேவதி... எழுந்து வா. காமாட்சி ஓடி போச்சு. மற்றவர்கள் போறத்துக்கு முன் நம்ப போகலாம். வா.

சரி, சரி. கொஞ்ச நேரம் நில்லு, நான் பல்லை மட்டும் தேச்சுட்டு வரேன்.

இவ்வளவு தூரம் நடந்து வந்துட்டோம், எங்கே போயிருக்கும் இந்த காமாட்சி. அடிக்கடி இப்படி ஓடுதே!

அது தானே இயற்கை. கிடேரி மாடு, பசுவாகும் முன் காளையை தேடி ஓடுவது இயல்பு. இத்தனை மாடுகளை பார்த்து இருக்கிறோம், இது இன்னும் உனக்கு புரியலயா என்ன?

தெரியும், தெரியும். இந்த கிடேரிகள் ஓடும்போது எல்லாம் நாம் இருவரும் சேர்ந்து ஓடுகிறோம் இல்லை. மாட்டை தேடும் சாக்குலெ தோட்டம், பழ மரங்கள் எல்லாம் ஏறி பழம் பறித்து சாப்பிடுகிறோம்.

ஆமாம்.. அந்த சீன கிழவி கண்ணுல படாம வெள்ளரி பிஞ்சை பிடுங்கி கன்றுகுட்டி போல நறுக்கு நறுக்குனு நொருக்கிடுவே இல்லை.

ஹா ஹா. ஆமாம். திருட்டு வெள்ளரி பிஞ்சு அவ்வளவு ரூசி. அங்கே பாரு ரேவதி, காமாட்சி நிற்குது. வா. நம்ப அதை வீட்டுக்கு கூட்டிட்டு போகலாம்.

ஹ்ம்ம், சரி. அது வந்த வேலை முடிந்து இருந்தால் இன்னும் கொஞ்ச மாதங்களில் கன்று ஒண்ணு பிறக்கும் இல்லை?

ஆமாம். மறுபடியும் சீம்பால், பால் சப்ப்லை, கன்று குட்டி குளிக்கும் காட்சி.. ஜாலியாக இருக்கும்.

* பத்து வயது ஞாபகம்*

******************************************

காலேஜ் வந்த பிறகு ஒரே வீட்டு ஞாபகம் வசந்தி. இந்த கோர்ஸ் வேறே ரொம்ப கஷ்டமா இருக்கு.

இது தானே முதன் முறையாக வீட்டை விட்டு வந்து இருக்கீங்க. எல்லாம் சரியாகி விடும். அப்பிள் செய்து இருக்கீங்க இல்லை. பார்ப்போம் எப்படி பதில் வருதுனு. பட், தமிழ் மொழி கோர்ஸ் தானே, நாங்கள் எல்லாம் இருக்கிறோம், உதவி செய்து உங்களை கரை சேர்த்து விடுவோம். அதே போல ஆங்கில பயிற்சிகள், ஆராய்ச்சி நூல்கள் செய்யும்போது எங்களுக்கு நீங்கள் உதவ மறந்து விடாதீர்கள்.

நன்றி வசந்தி. ஏதோ நீங்கள் இருப்பது எனக்கு பெரிய ஆறுதல். தெங்க்ஸ்.

ஒண்ணும் யோசிக்காதீங்க. நல்லா பாட்டு பாடுறீங்க. வந்த கொஞ்ச நாட்களில் எத்தனை ஃபேமஸ் நீங்கள். மலாய் பாரம்பரிய பாடல்களை வேறு பிச்சு உதருகிறீர்கள். காலேஜ் முழுக்க உங்களை தெரியாதவர்கள் யாருமே இல்லை.

ஹ்ம்ம். ஆனாலும் எனக்கு இங்கே அவ்வளவு மகிழ்ச்சி இல்லை. ஏதோ குறை இருப்பது போலவே இருக்கிறது.

                                ***

எனக்கு ரொம்ப வலியாக இருக்கு வசந்தி. கழுத்தை அசைக்க முடியல.

பொறுமையாக இருக்கனும் நீங்கள். ஜிம்னாஸ்டிக் பயிற்சி செய்யும் போது விழுந்துட்டிங்களாமே?

ஆமாம். தலைகீழாக நிற்கும் போது கை தவறி விழுந்து விட்டேன். கழுத்து எலும்பில் சாஃப்ட் திஷு காயம்னு டாக்டர் சொன்னார். வீட்டிற்கு சொல்லல. இந்த வாரக்கடைசியில் வீட்டுக்கு போவென். அப்போது அம்மாவிடம் சொல்லிக்கலாம்னு இருக்கிறேன்.

 அதுவும் சரிதான். எதற்கு தேவையில்லாமல் அவர்களை பதற வைக்கனும்.

இன்னும் கொஞ்ச நாட்களில் நம் காலேஜ் வாழ்க்கை முடிய போகிறது. நீங்கள் செய்த அத்தனை உதவிகளையும் மறக்க மாட்டேன், வசந்தி. தேங்க்ஸ்.

தோழர்கள் மத்தியில் இதெல்லாம் என்ன பெரிய விஷயம். மூன்று ஆண்டுகள் போன வேகம் தெரியல இல்லை?
                          ***
ஐயா, எனக்கு ஒரு டீ கொடுங்க. என் அத்தான் வரும்வரை இந்த பைகளை இங்கே வைக்கிறேன் சரிங்களா?

வையுங்க அம்மா. ஒண்ணும் பிரச்சினை இல்லை.

நீங்கள் சாப்பிட்டீங்களா ஐயா?

நாங்கள் சாப்பிட்டோம். நீங்கள் சொன்ன மாதிரி அந்த இலங்கை பையனுக்கு உணவு கொடுத்துவிட்டேன்.

சரி ஐயா. நன்றி. பணம் எவ்வளவு கொடுக்கனும்னு சொல்லுங்க.

அன்றைக்கு கொடுத்தது போதுமானது அம்மா. என்ன ஊருக்கு புறப்படுகிறீர்களா?

ஆம் ஐயா. காலேஜ் முடிந்தது. வேலைக்கு அழைப்பு கடிதம் வரும்வரை வீட்டில் ஓய்வு. அதோ அத்தானும் வந்து விட்டார். யாராவது கொஞ்சம் உதவிக்கு அனுப்புங்கள் ஐயா. பைகளை வண்டியில் ஏற்றனும்.

* 20 வயது ஞாபகம்*

******************************************

என்ன ஒண்ணும் சாப்பிடாமல் இப்படி வாசலையே பார்த்து கொண்டு இருக்கிறே? வா கொஞ்சமா சாப்பிடு. இப்படியே இருந்தால் வயித்துல உள்ள பிள்ளைக்கு எப்படி சத்து பத்தும்?

அவரை இன்னும் காணல, அதான் வந்ததும் சேர்ந்து சாப்பிடலாம்னு காத்திருக்கிறேன்!

ஐய்யே! இது என்ன புதுசா உனக்கு? எந்த காலத்துல அவன் டைம் ஓட வந்து இருக்கிறான். நீ வந்து சாப்பிடு. வாந்தி வேறே, சாப்பிடலனா உடம்பு வீணாகும். வா.

                                   ***

என்னங்க. எனக்கு ஸ்கூலுக்கு லேட்டாகுது. கொஞ்சம் வேகமாக வாங்கலேன். இன்றைக்கு அச்சாவுக்கு முதலாண்டு திதி வேறே. பள்ளியில் இருந்து நேரத்தோட புறப்பட்டு வரனும். லேட்டா போய் வெல்லன வரனும்னு சொன்னால் முகம் சுழிப்பார்கள்.

                                   ***

என்ன தோழி. மறுபடியும் உங்களை மருத்துவ மனையில் பார்க்கிறேன்? கால் எலும்பு முறிந்து விட்டதாமே?

ஆமாம் வசந்தி. அவசர அசசரமாக பள்ளிக்கு புறப்பட்டு போனதில் சேலை முந்தானையை சரியாக வைக்கல. மோட்டார் சைக்கிள் டயரில் மாட்டியதில் நான் கீழே விழுந்து விட்டேன். தொடை எலும்பு தாறுமாறாக உடைந்துவிட்டது.

டாக்டரிடம் பேசிட்டுதான் வந்தேன். இண்டெர்ட்ரொய்காண்டிக் மல்டி கொம்முனல் ஃப்ரெக்ச்சர். பெரிய இரும்பு பூட்டி இருக்கிறாராம் உங்கள் இடுப்பில். ஒன்று இல்லை, பத்து. இனி நீங்களும் பயோனிக் பெண்.

ஹ்ம்ம். எப்படியும் ஆறு மாதங்கள் ஆகும்னு சொன்னார். அதுவரை அம்மா வீட்டிற்கு போய்விடுவேன்.

ஏன் அம்மா வீட்டிற்கு போறிங்க? இங்கே யாரும் உங்களை பார்க்க மாட்டார்களா?

என் கணவரின் தாய், தங்கம். ஆனால் இங்கே இருந்தால் அத்தனை சரிப்படாது. அவர் தாமதமாக வீட்டிற்கு வருவார். சில சமயம் போதையில் வருவார். மன அழுத்தம் தரும்.

அதுவும் நல்லது தான். தாய் வீட்டில் இருந்தால் வேகமாக குணம் அடைந்து விடுவீர்கள்.

                                  ***

என்னங்க? என்ன இப்படி தொப்பையாக வந்திருக்கீங்க? ஐயோ என்ன முட்டியில் காயம். ஜீன்ஸ் கிழிந்து போயிருக்கு!

.....

என்ன தண்ணீ சாப்பிட்டு வரிங்களா? எவ்வளவு சொன்னாலும் மண்டையில் உங்களுக்கு ஏறாது! எல்லாம் என் தலை எழுத்து! நிறை மாதம் எனக்கு. இப்படி பொறுப்பு இல்லாமல் இருக்கீங்களேன்.

                                 ***

அம்மா, அம்மா.. அச்சா எங்கே இன்னமும் காணல? என்னிடம் இன்றைக்கு ஸ்டோருக்கு போகலாம்னு சொன்னாரே!

எந்த கடையில் உட்கார்ந்து இருக்கார்னு தெரியில ரூபி! நாளைக்கு தீபாவளி வேறே.

ஏன் அம்மா இவர் மட்டும் இப்படி? செரிச்சா பாருங்க, காலையில் இருந்து வீட்டில் தான் இருக்கிறார். நாம் வேணும்னா அச்சா எங்கே இருக்கிறார்னு போய் தேடி பார்க்கலாமா? ஏதாவது கடையில் இருந்தார்னா அப்படியே கடைக்கு கூட்டிட்டு போகலாம்.

ஹ்ம்ம் சரி. போகலாம். ஆனால் நான் அவரோடு பேச போவதில்லை. ஏதுவாக இருந்தாலும் நீங்கள் ரெண்டு பேரும் பேசிக்கொள்ளுங்க. வேலையை முடித்ததும் ஓய்வு எடுக்கனும். கால் எல்லாம் எப்படி வீங்கி இருக்கு பாரு.

பாவம் அம்மா நீங்கள். இவ்வளவு பெரிய வயிறோடு எவ்வளவு வேலை செய்கிறீர்கள். இந்த அச்சா இருந்து என்ன பயன்.

                          ***

நிறைய கடைகளில் தேடியாச்சுமா. வாங்க வீட்டுக்கு போகலாம். எனக்கும் அம்முவுக்கும் ரொம்ப பசி.

சரி. வீட்டில் கொஞ்சம் உணவு இருக்கிறது. உங்களுக்கு தருகிறேன். அவர் வரும்போது வரட்டும். வந்ததும்
 வச்சுக்கலாம்.

அம்மா, அங்கே பாருங்களேன். வீட்டு வெளியே சின்ன தாத்தா, மாமா எல்லாம் நிற்கிறார்கள். ராத்திரி ஆயிடுச்சே! இப்போது ஏன் இங்கே வந்து இருக்காங்க?

தெரியலயே! ஒரு வேலை...

                         ***

ஹலோ! என்ன நடக்குது இங்கே? எல்லாரும் வீட்டு வெளியே வந்து நிற்கிறார்கள். கேட்டா எதுவும் சொல்ல மாட்டுறாங்க? ஜெயனுக்கு எதுவும் ஆச்சா?

ஆமாம். அப்படி தான் சொல்றாங்க!

என்ன இறந்து போய்ட்டாரா?

ஆமாம். மோட்டார் சைக்கிளில் இருந்து விழுந்து விட்டாரம். எதிரே வந்த வண்டி அவர் மேல் ஏறி அம்புலான்ஸ்ல போகும்போது உயிர் போய்விட்டதாம். உங்கள் பெயரை தான் சொல்லிக்கொண்டே இறந்தாராம். பாவம், பாவம்னு சொன்னாராம்!

ஐயோ! நான் அவரிடம் பிரியாவிடை கூறலயே! தப்பு பன்னிட்டேனா?

                            ***

ஏன் அம்மா அச்சா அப்படி இருக்கிறார். பெட்டியில் போட்டு வைத்து இருக்கிறார்கள்?

அச்சா இறந்து விட்டார் அம்மு. அச்சா இனி இல்லை.

*முப்பது வயது ஞாபகம்*

******************************************

 அம்மா.. அம்மா.. எல்லா பைகளும் எடுத்துட்டீங்களா? வண்டி எடுக்கலாமா?

எல்லாம் எடுத்தாச்சு. இரு கொஞ்ச நேரம் திவ்யாவை தூக்கிவிட்டு வருகிறேன். ஆறு மாதங்களாக பார்க்கிறேன் இல்லையா, கவலையாக இருக்கு எனக்கு.

அட இதை பாருடா, உங்கள் சட்டையை பிடித்து கொண்டு விடாமல் அழுகிறாளே? பேசாமல் நீங்கள் அவளையும் கூட்டிக்கிட்டு போங்க. அவள்
 நீங்கள் இல்லாமல் ஏங்கி போய் விடுவாள்னு தோணுது.

அதுவும் நல்லது தான். நீயும் உன் பட்டப்படிப்பில் முழுமையாக கவனம
 செலுத்தலாம்.

                            ***
இவன் ஏன் எந்த நேரமும் அழுது கொண்டே இருக்கிறான். என்னால் தூங்கவே முடியல.

அவனுக்கு வயிறு வலி அங்கல். பால் குடித்ததும் தினமும் இப்படி தான். நீங்கள் அடிக்கடி வெளி ஊரில் இருப்பதால் உங்களுக்கு இது தெரியல.

ச்சே! பேசாமல் நான் ஹோட்டலில் தங்கிடலாம் போல. நிம்மதி இல்லை இந்த வீட்டுல. என்ன பிள்ளை வளர்க்கிறாங்களோ உங்கள் அம்மா!

                          ***

யாருடன் ஃபோன் பேசுறீங்க? ஃபோனை இங்கே கொடுங்க அம்மு!

முடியாது அங்கல். இது என்னுடைய ஃபோன்.

எதிர்த்து பேசுறியா? தோலை உரித்து விடுவேன் ஜாக்கிறதை!

                           ***

எவ்வளவு நேரம் இந்த பேஸ்மெண்டில் இப்படி இருக்கிறது?

பொறுமையாக இருங்க. இன்னும் கொஞ்ச நேரத்துல அவரு வண்டி சத்தம் கேட்கும். அதற்கு பிறகு துணி மணிகளை எடுத்துக்கிட்டு பாட்டி வீட்டுக்கு போயிடலாம்.

இதெல்லாம் ஒரு பொலப்புனு நீங்களும் இருக்கீங்க. நாங்கள் என்ன பாவம் செய்தோம்னு இப்படி துன்பபடுகிறோம்!

இருக்கிற பிரச்சினையில் நீயும் ஆரம்பிக்காதே! எல்லா பிரச்சினைக்கும் தீர்வு வரும்.

*40 வயது ஞாபகம்*


 *****************************************
அம்மாவுக்கு என்ன?

மன உளைச்சல்னு சொல்றாங்க.

இப்போது நம்ம என்ன செய்யனும்? ஒரே குழப்பமாக இருக்கு!

டாக்டரிடம் பேசினேன். மருந்து மாத்திரை எல்லாம் கொடுத்து இருக்கிறார். பாட்டி வீட்டிற்கு கூட்டிட்டு போகலாம். ஓய்வு எடுத்து மருந்து சாப்பிட்டால் சீக்கிரமாக குணம் அடைந்து விடுவார் என்று சொல்லி இருக்கிறார். பாட்டி தான் அம்மாவுக்கு ரைட்டான வைட்டமின்.

                               ***

அப்பா! இப்போ தான் நிம்மதி. நம்மல யாரும் தொந்தரவு செய்ய முடியாது இல்லை!

ஆமாம். ஆனாலும் இந்த நிலைக்கு வர நாம் நிறைய சிரமப்பட்டு இருக்கிறோம்.

ஹ்ம்ம். அம்மா எங்கே?

ஆமாம் டீச்சர் எங்கே?

அவங்க அறையில் இருக்கிறாங்க. 730க்கு வெளியே வருவாங்க. நமக்கு வகுப்பு இருக்கு இல்லையா!

ஞாபகம் இருக்கா, அவங்க தூங்கும் போதும், தியானத்தில் இருக்கும் போதும் யாரும் தொந்தரவு செய்ய கூடாது!

தெரியும். அது மட்டும் தானே அவங்க ஓய்வா இருக்கும் நேரம். நாங்கள் அதை கெடுப்போமா என்ன? எங்கள் வாழ்க்கையை மாற்றி அமைத்தவங்க அவங்க.

ஹ்ம்ம். நீங்கள் வந்த பிறகு தானே அவருக்கும் புத்துணர்ச்சி ஏற்பட்டது. சிஸ்டம்னு சொல்வாங்க.

தூங்கும் போதும், தியானம் செய்யும்போது கையில் அந்த கைலி எப்போதும் இருக்கும். அது ஏன்?

அது அவங்களுக்கு பிடித்த கைலி. கேட்டால் குரு கொடுத்ததுனு சொல்வாங்க. சரி, சரி அம்மா வருகிர நேரம். எல்லாம் புத்தகத்தை எடுங்கள். படிக்கலாம். சரியா 9 மணிக்கு உணவு.

நாளை காலையில் கராத்தே பயிற்சி இருக்கு இல்லை?

ஆமாம். ஒண்ணும் மாற்றம் இல்லை. காலையில் கராத்தே, மாலையில் கச்சேரி. பொழுது சரியாக போனால் உங்களுக்கு உருவாக்கம். இது அம்மா கணக்கு. ;)

                           ***

அம்மா.. கோவிலுக்கு பொய்ட்டு வந்து பார்க்கிறேன் கதவு பூட்டி கிடக்கு. உள்ளே இவர்கள் எல்லாம் தூங்கி கொண்டு இருக்கிறார்கள் போல. எல்லாம் பெரிய வாலு. வேணும் என்றே செய்திருப்பார்கள் போல.

ஹ்ம்ம். நோ ச்பெக்குலேஷென். பிரச்சினை வந்தால் தீர்வு செய்யனும். சொலுஷன். ச்திரெஸ் இல்லாமல் அப்போது தான் வாழ முடியும். வீட்டு ஃபோனுக்கு கோல் பன்னியா?

ஆமாம். யாரும் எடுக்கல. இப்போது என்ன செய்யலாம்?

ஒண்ணும் பிரச்சினை இல்லை இது. லாக்ஸ்மித் இருக்கிறார். அவரை அழைத்து கதவை திறக்க சொல்லனும். அவருக்கு அழைத்து விட்டேன். அவர் வந்ததும் உள்ளே பூட்டும் அந்த பூட்டை கழுட்டி விடலாம்.

பணம் செலவாகுமே!

பணம் தானே. சம்பாரிக்கலாம். உடல், உளம், சிந்தனை தெளிவாக இருந்தால் எதையும் செய்யலாம். இவர்களின் உருவாக்கம் என் இலட்சியம்.

                 ***

50 வயதில் தெளிவாக பயணம் போகிறது.

என் வாழ்க்கை என் கையில்.