Quote "are you crazy"

"Are you crazy!"
Often these words ring through my ears at different modes, different times by different people.

"Is she crazy?" She is crazy. Options heard too. This includes friends, relatives, 'friends' and foes.

Me being kind to many is craziness to some. Me being extraordinarily patient is lunacy to many.

Of course, being treated for depressive disorders didn't help the title! It further enhanced.my position. ;)

Attempting the steps of Bharatham at the age of 49 is the craziest thing for some.

 Opting out and grabbing the bull by its horns is another crazy stunt.

Continuing karate classes is another crazy stint. For many it is.

For me, it's completion of incomplete. Fulfilling the unfulfilled. Filling up time to its best so that the devils don't do the tango in the idle mind.

I'm that occupied that my mind doesn't have the time to even let the devil in, let alone do the tango or the rumba or the salsa.

The sole motive for all the activities is walking towards peace. It isn't a walk towards immortality. I'm happy to be a mortal and look forward to leaving. Till then.. Let not a single second be wasted.

How it came to this?

Only conclusion i can come to is people and their many antiques, tantras and tantrics.

Some scared me to my roots, some shocked me to my toenails and last but not least are those who deceived and mistreated me in every way possible.

This left me bereft and tired. A sense of surrender and give up filled me.

Initially I was just being rebellious. I wanted to dare the devil.

Karate has been an ongoing sport for me. I started learning it when I was 16. After various interruptions with pregnancies and deliveries, then disruptions with an intertrochanteric multi communal fracture I did not think too much of it initially.

But the fact that i kept my 'gi' the uniform forever and never threw it away proved that perhaps this sport is part of my development.

It was not easy though, going back to training. After four kids, hip injury, asthma and two episodes of frozen shoulders training proved to be tricky, painful, tough and disheartening.

Not being able to remember, recall the 'qatas' was awful too.

I started from scratch. Wearing my old gi i entered the 'dojo' with many misconceptions and doubts. The gi adorned always gave me some inner push.

As we start the class and sit down with eyes closed and shihan says 'zep' a spirit enters us the martial artists and it remains as strength, power and stamina throughout the training. towards the end we sit again and say thank you in silence for that presence.

I trained continuously for several months from my final brown belt to the probationary black belt. in my entire life i really don't remember wanting or thinking of giving up on anything. But here not once or twice but many a times I thought I've had enough. It was the most difficult thing to do.

Finally, when I received my black belt, i heaved a sigh of relief. Yet I know this is not the end.There is still a long way to go. I have signed up for refereeing. I am the coach for my academy. Sometimes I'm also the manager.

Recently, I went for a tournament. I checked out with the organisers why there weren't veteran categories for women qata or kumite. There were categories for veteran men. One man from Iran was a coach, referee, qata competitor and kumite fighter.

I wanted to do all that too!

The organisers promised to sort out something in the next tournament.

Till then I'm practicing a healthy diet, a sane training and good discipline.

By sane training, I mean weekly karate training, alternated with two days of gym. My Shihan often chids me for being Jack of many trades and Master of none! He gets upset that I'm not jumping the gun and grabbing the opportunity to become a referee ASAP!

I can never do that. I don't want to drown in just one activity vigorously, forever. I need diversion.

Just like when I eat I tend to take small portions of various items, the more the merrier. The same applies to my activities.

I attend Bharatham classes. That's another back breaking activity. I run to my Latin dance classes. That's nothing but sheer, heavenly fun. I run and play netball with my students. When opportunity comes, I travel to the east coast to sing songs with my cousin in his shows.

Life just needs to be colourful with these activities. As these are all that I have.

I am not living recklessly though. Even if the sky is now the limit and opportunities zoom to infinities. I'm just having clean, clear fun.

Variety is the word. Same goes for people. I meet many people on short term basis. Less hassle, less trouble. I don't intend to mingle long enough to tangle and mess up.

I have come to the peak of everything and I'm ready to leave whenever that's destined to be.

Quey Sera Sera! Whatever will be, will be!

I AM THE BLACK BELT WHO WAS ONCE A WHITE BELT WHO REFUSED TO GIVE UP!!

Like the eel that returned to its mud

I've not met some people since 1999. Today, as i stepped into the spot i was that many years ago i felt nostalgia. Ten years of great working experience, the best pupils of my life, meeting great true friends, happened here.

This place built me in many ways. As i walked in and met old faces, their jaw dropping with,

 "wow, great to see you like this!"

Is a moment i can hold and remember as something good. 

Meeting them, saying hi! And bye! was all there was to it. I walked towards my next appointment. 

It was a great feeling walking down Paul street. Pausing to see St Paul and striking a quick cross. Habitual!

Upon completion i drove around this city. Stopping at memorable places. Jayan's designated spot.

 My house, which looked quite alien and unfriendly. I stood looking and apologized to it. I'm going to let go of you. I'm sorry that we never got to stay here. Never had the opportunity to utilise this as a home. It has always been home to different group of people at different times. Non committal, no permanent occupancy. Somehow the house reflected its depressive mode in many ways. 

Driving here gave a relaxed wavelength. Traffic was predictable. People seemed calmer than the people of the city centre. Nobody was rushing. Time seemed to have paused from its usual crazy pace.

Finding a spot to park proved quite a challenge though. Finally, having found a car wash, I left the car there for a well deserved wash and walked towards my clinic. 

Having lived almost 49 years, feeling not too good doesn't really cause an alarm. Quey Sera Sera! Whatever will be, will be! Is the current acceptance.

 There's no more visions, missions or mottos. It's a matter of bulldozing through everyday. Doing the best in each individual incident. I attempt it as each case. One accomplished case is an indication to move to the next. Then next, next, next.

At times i wonder where i have gone to. The i from the 80s, 90s, the millennium, then the 2010-2014! I was a different person at each phase. Only one thing would have been similar. The chatterbox me!

Now, Gone! I no longer talk to many people. Selective conversation. 

I prefer to write. Everything and anything that goes within me.

If there's something I'd like to do i just go ahead and do it. No pausing for opinions or approvals. Consequences, achievements and conclusions are mine to hold. There's no question of loss or gain as everything is solely my decision. 

Meeting the doctor, doing the tests, chatting about the changes in our lives for the past 30 years was refreshing. 

There doesn't seem to be anything seriously wrong with me. In fact I'm far healthier than the most average 30s. The tests would reveal any other discrepancies.

Throwing all those issues aside i left. The return trip was uneventful watching traffic flow in the PLUS highway. Except for one overturned car at the roadside traffic was as how it should be on a weekday.

Listening to songs, I drove back feeling content and realized I'm finally driving long distance alone, again. 140kms is a good start.  

HELLO PREACHERS

One of my students was doing some comprehension exercises. i told her to read the text aloud. As she came to the number 2002, she paused. i asked her what the problem was. She said she did not know how to read the number. The text was in Malay. She is in year 5.

I tested my other kids to read numbers in Bahasa Malaysia. Most of them did not know. Those in Form One are still learning the numbers in Malay. It's April now! Shouldn't they be starting with more important topics like integers, negative numbers, which is a totally new zone for them?

Who created this wonderful idea of learning Mathematics and Science in Tamil? Are those people trying to bury our kids alive?

Why kill the kids' future in the name of saving the mother tongue? Be confident with the Tamil language that is being taught, people. just strengthen that.

Our students are suffering in silence. They become timid and lack confidence to gain education in the secondary school. They are much backwards compared to those from the other types of schools. In other words, most of our students are drowning.

Since the uproar some people caused after my letter 'Terima hakikat kelemahan SJKT' came online, i have been quietly keeping busy helping as many Indian children with improving their Bahasa Malaysia. 

i remember being called a traitor to my community. for condemning the Tamil schools' silly administration. So what happened with all those big noise makers? hello! where is everybody? Where are the big time preachers? I want the best for my children. How are we going to change this situation?

Were there any changes made? Where are the workbooks for Mathematics and Science in Tamil language. It's mid April and there's only one set of workbook!

As it is the UPSR this year is almost as messy as the PT3 in 2014. 14 subjects for a 12 year old! Utter craziness. With all these mess, we need to contain ourselves with lack of books issue. 

After that chaos are put aside, they need to walk into form 1 and become shocked with vocabulary such as photosynthesis, chlorophyll, oxygen, cells, 'nombor perdana', 'nombor tunggal' pecahan, 'peratus' etc.

Some manage to struggle and try to survive while the other weaker, ignorant ones divert and drop out. 

Those who are busy safeguarding the mother tongue are the ones destroying the mother tongue's future generation.

If many Tamil school leavers become dropouts to whom shall we deliver the duty of safeguarding this ancient, majestic language? 

Long live the Tamil language but remember its extended lifespan is at the expense of its own children.

Challenged

Sitting in the 38th floor of the Grand Hyatt KL, facing the KL tower upfront and watching the KLCC to my right, looking at the many people of business around me, I wondered how i got to be here.

I remember standing alone, forlorn and lost. Staring at nature. Nature mocked me and threw a challenge.

"Are you a loser and a weakling? Are you going to stoop down and let people step on you? Or would you raise to my challenge and start standing tall."

Initially, I started my activities to fill my time. To be tightly occupied that i didn't stop to falter. But, whatever i did i did wholeheartedly. With discipline and to my best.

Slowly the work bore fruits. Everything i touched struck gold.

I stood high and mighty. No one is going to step on me. I am a winner.

I willingly rose and met nature's challenge to it's face.

Though it laughed at my naivety, I believe it did it on purpose to shake me to the core and make me rebel.

I don't intend to let nature laugh at me nor do i intend that it should laugh at others. What i did learn is, ' the one who laughs the last, laughs the loudest.